Hi there.  My husband is not a cross dresser.  He currently identifies as bi, although I believe he is GID.  So I cannot say I feel anxiety about his daily choices.  But I DO feel a lot of anxiety about spending time with him.  Everything is so painful, and seeing him drives that home like a punch to the gut.  The other thing is that i have realized that all the conversations we have had since discovery--which are in theory to help our relationship--they are really repeats of all the destructive patterns from the marriage even before discovery.  I don't want to be pulled into any more mind-spinning conversations.  I am trying to figure out how to keep some distance because it is so incredibly upsetting.  So yes, I do understand this feeling.  I also understand how your relationship with your daughter--you do not want to sacrifice this.  It starts to become overwhelming, trying to find a place for yourself and the care you need to give to your daughter, while dealing with the onslaught of stuff that hurts from the one who is supposed to love you the most.  I find when I have a little time away, I get a little more clarity about what I need to do or what I can do to help myself.  Sometimes I even get a little energy to do some things.  But after a weekend together, or any conversation mid-week, it takes me hours and often DAYS to recover my sense of equilibrium. 

I have no solutions--just a "yes" to what you are describing. You are not alone, and it is super duper hard.

You also sound like a smart woman with a lot of interests and connections.  You seem resourceful and resilient.  I bet if you can find a little space from the mental and emotional onslaught, you will be able to start seeing a path to a healthy future.

Even though (if I remember correctly) money is a problem for you, why don't you start brainstorming what you can do.  Not what you should do, or what you can't do.  But what you can do.  Is there anyone you could confide in, where you could spend an evening a week at their house, and keep your daughter with you?  Could you go for a week or weekend away--with your daughter?  And stay at the home of an old friend or relative so hotel is not required?  with your idea of the alternating weekends, could you find somewhere to go with your daughter like a park, or a mall?  Is there even a place like IKEA where they have free childcare, and you could find a place to sit? 

I also wonder if there are free mental health services in your community--there is probably someone somewhere who can offer you some help figuring out your next steps.  It seems like you are on the right path, though--to find a way to have time away so you can clear your head.

By coincidence I came across this today and was about to post it on it's own. I think it's very apt for many of us and does include some coping strategies. https://www.healthy-holistic-living.com/narcissistic-abuse-anxiety/?utm_source=POEM&utm_content=47531-4G3I

 

Thanks for all the comments.

I know I don't HAVE to attend events with someone BUT everyone knows that I am married. They have not seen him since he started this journey so that is where the issue is. No one knows we are having any issues and they surely don't know about this. So, at least I have the reason we cant get a sitter so he cant go or it just isn't feasible to spend the money for us both to go BUT the June event I need to get 10 people there SO I am hoping he will adhere to my wishes and be "normal" for the day.

As far as financially, yes we are in a very live month by month with my working part time so I cant really swing a hotel visit and I don't have family or friends that I can stay with, with my daughter so that is the issue. The every other weekend was just to try to get her in the habit of seeing us every other weekend as well as putting some distance between us.

As far as working more hours to get more money and time away from the husband then that infringes on my time with my daughter and I don't want to do that either.

Thanks for letting me vent.