Mimi everything you are feeling I have felt. There is so much to grieve. In some ways it’s worse than a death because the identity died and the future that was planned died but the person is still alive but different.  It takes s lot of  work to reorient mentally to that fact and you have to figure out how not to love that person.  It’s difficult and takes time but doable.  I consider disengaging an act of tough love.  Both for the partner and for oneself.  I hope this helps. I wrote more about this in my story on Our Stories. 


And because we are the ones that recognize the need to disengage we are unfortunately the ones that drive the divorce and it is infuriating because we weren’t the cause.

Keep the faith...everything you are feeling is part of disengaging, getting reoriented and grieving the loss. It gets better.

Last edited by a_dads_straight_journey (April 23, 2019 3:31 pm)

I'm having such a hard time with this. Trying to navigate boundaries with the person in my life has been a nightmare. I can't escape them entirely so that's not an option but they keep pushing for friendship which I can't do after the deceit. At least not now. Maybe not ever. I don't really understand it either. Why can't they let me be? They're not interested in me right? I thought they would let go by now.

It doesn't help that there are days I really wish I could be friends. It's like I am fighting with myself on top of everything else. I keep trying for polite but feel I'm being cold. I like this person. If I didn't I wouldn't have been interested in them in the first place. But it can't go anywhere and I don't want to feel bad anymore. I feel tortured by 'shoulds'. Should be more forgiving. Should just get over it. Should forget about it. Should be friends.

The few people who know don't understand why I still feel so bad. It's been really lonely. I feel guilty for being unable to be a better person so I can be friends with them. Not sure if this is helpful to anyone but it's a relief to get this out. Loving them isn't the problem I'm having but detaching sure is.

I'm so sorry Mimi. I not having kids or marriage was able to physically detach. Mentally detaching was excruciating. What helped me was envisioning all that love as a sort of physical entity. I just pictured it lifting up and hanging mid air - still there. I didn't have to stop loving - it could still exist - I just no longer needed it to be connected to him. My love and ability to love was something worth honoring - his behavior not withstanding. And in time, I learned to take all that amazing love that I gifted - and apply some of it to me in a great big worthy hug whenever I needed it. Keep the love - Lengthen the tether and broaden the umbrella. He can dance off or not. The love is born from your beautiful heart and is yours.

I’m glad it’s helpful. .

When my husband was pleading with me to change my mind, and he kept telling me how much he loved me, I finally pointed out to him: "Well apparently there was something you loved more."  And he did actually concede that this was true.  It was as close as he's ever gotten to acknowledging that he has compulsions that he can't control -- he refers to them as his "urges" but the proper term is "compulsions".