Hello
Thank you for your responses and they are all VERY valid .
Great thoughts , his thoughts are in overdrive,
Hes always been cool an collective , under the worse stresses,  hes very cool.,.
Now i see him quite scatterbrained and unorganized.
I"m sure hes planning his responses in counsel.

I'm delayed in responding .
My husband was home for a week , he now away again.
So much going on .
Its been a crazy time , a funeral and his father is ill.

As mentioned were waiting for our marriage counsel appt.
Sadly with many things going on .
Its been painfully changed until late April.
I refuse to see a man therapist , by my choice, so my appt times are limited.
My purpose for counsels so i dont blow up  ,or that he doesn't at me.
He has always manipulated & controlled of our arguments and blamed me.

We have been avoiding each other , with eye contact and emotions.
How i'm keeping my cool, i do not know.
I want to explode, i want to scream, i want to cry.
But i'm not !  I think i'm in shock.
Crazy ! how can i be in shock when i've suspected for so many years??

Sometimes hes snappy and sometimes he pokes to find out what s going on with me.
Yesterday , he was looking for some foot creams.
These same creams is where he kept his Viagra.
Did i say he was going away?\
Did i say i think hes gay or bi , and  theirs a women too?
My response, " i didn't know where they were "   
Last night he asked why i don't kiss him anymore.
My simple response, you shouldn't ask.
Not so oddly  , since he thinks i only know what hes confessed too , he doesn't ask again.
He knows im not tecky.
So   he may or may not know i have the gay love letters , and conversations/ pics with his lady friend,.
I maybe be hyper sensitive, but ! i  do now suspect he  knows i "may " have found them. 

Crazy ass Question....is he gay or still hiding being gay with his Colleague Lady Friend?
Are they too having sex, and or is she another cover up ?
Sex is never mentioned between he and she.
But ! for a guy who says he hates her , cant stand her,  says shes sexually ugly ..
Meanwhile has coffee dates, bar dates.
Which he totally denies meeting any co worker after hrs in a bar!
If she is just "work" why lie ?
Also sending her pics while on family vaca  , and after all the BS hes fed me.
This " colleague friendship"  seems a little smelly too.
Or is she ,  in his yrs if consistent Gay cover up , his  decoy???  

As  i said, every moment feels VERY  hyper sensitive.
So weird to go from suspicions, being told to trust , trusting  , to whos that person in my house?
He left  early this am.
Always used to kiss me goodbye , even if i was sleeping.

How the times  have changed.






 

InDenial,
You ask, Why do I need validation? Why can’t I move on?

Well, for me, it has been because my reality is unclear to me.  I believe I am in shock.  My husband has pretended  he is one thing our entire marriage.  And he still tells me something of this old story, just with some differences.  I still love him. It is incredibly hard to break that love. I have a life built around this marriage.  It is a big step to end it.  It is incredibly hard to know what reality is. Things are surreal. Like a weird dream, We want other people to help us know what is real.  Because we now doubt our ability to even know what is and what isn’t real.  And so even with validation, it is not enough.  What is enough validation?  Not sure.  But for me, it has definitely been hard to figure out what is real now. And that itself is destructive.  I realized one day that my emotions and mind, my heart, my body, my souls—all know different things, and they are. It all in sync.  Sometimes my mind understands but not my emotions.  Sometimes my gut knows something but not my mind.  I need them to be more connected to each other more consistently, and this takes time and effort, especiallly now realizing how I was not really understanding things before.

Hello ,
Im feeling many if not all of your emotions.
Denial is the only word i can come up with.

Its been 3 months now since i found the love letters
I've had no sleep,  nightmares, flashbacks, anxiety, feeling soooooo unsafe , endless sadness, and so much more..
But !  very little tears, Ive cried, but not enough.

Weirdly , i've kept calm & cool in a very strange way. Even around him.
NOT my usual manner when im PIST or HURT ! 
Cant really explain it , except my age.
Or  very much in shock !
And  what can yo do about it, its not another women, that i  could battle with.
The GT , leaves you with no will to fight.


The Councillors keep asking me "what do I want".
Like as if i already moved on.
Like as if my mind can formulate a future plan for me.
What ? alone !
I'm stuck , even though i have suspected for 30 yrs.
Even though the love letters confirmed my suspicions.
Im GD stuck !

I don't know anything anymore , let alone what do i want !
The years of lying , yrs of being told "trust me".
Has left me trusting soooooo much less of myself .
I didn't know before , so i don't know now.

I go from full speed ahead mode.
My childhood survivor mode to a fragile mess !
WTF !
I have squirreled away new bedding , comforters, kitchen ware.
Like i have a plan to run.
Run where ????
Then i have this crazy ass plan to stay , he can stay too, but NO MORE MARITAL BED.
WTF !   Which person is crazy now???

For some crazy ass reason ,Im waiting for the marriage council meeting.
Where hes either going to say again" it was only 1 time".
Or spit it all out ,  or worse piece by piece meal.
Either way...I LOOSE  MY KIDS LOOSE
Torture all way around !!! .

MY KIDS ....my god my kids !!!! .
That makes me feel soooooo sick.
So much worse then the love letters, validation crap!.
 

Hello , i sign on , when hes not around.
as mentioned......
Dec 26th , i found the letters.March 10th when my GH found out i knew.I said that we cant discuss until counselling.Reason ,i was still in shock, and i didn't trust my own emotional state, I told him i didn't want to freak out !   He agreed.Hindsight ,i did him a favor.. My GH has not said a word to me.Said i said to wait for counsel.Last week before he went away again.I said "its been over a month , don't you think you should say something to me."Tell me everything""I said i've been more then fair He just stared at me and did not respond. This week , he still says hes willing to go to counsel .But !  Due to travel. he had to cancel our April 26th marriage appt.Today ,i  re booked ,after challenging him on not being available. Now hes off again , i asked , "why haven't you told me everything".I said i haven't freaked, screamed , or threatened him.Just the opposite, im more dead inside the more he doesn't talk.He said , that i said wait for counseling  .I said i have not freaked,  and i will not give him my info ,But ! respectfully he should tell me what i know.His response "i told you everything:   "it only happened once ,Yrs ago".I challenged him on that and said i know everything ,and have all the proof.He said he would deny it  , and who ever gave me the info knows nothing , and  they're wrong !
 My GH ,always said 'If i ever cheated on him emotionally or physically , "we would be over ! Done ! Gone.  "don't let the door hit you in the ass" !
Today i reminded him of this . He didn't say a word. The continued silence & my mind is going crazy at times.Despite many $$$ for my own counselling.
Im question everything , over and over again , what  i thought i knew and what i know now..The years of manipulation has taught me i'm wrong  , not him. Its me. Im questioning everything , Was it really only once ??? .Then i say" what the fk ! What the hell does that matter. " !Am i supposed to be OK with that  , esp when he would not be??? We're not talking about a women  that i can have a WW3 fight with .This is a man , this is a war that  i dont even qualify be in !. 30 plus yrs of TGT love / fight letters ???? What was that ???.Was that supposed too be the con't fight  over "the one time thing" ??? WTF ! I feel sick , hes still trying to drive this ship..Rather then respectfully let me make my LIFE choice of how i will handle his news. I feel SICK , ill sick ,emotionally and as time continues on,  more and more physically.

His cont secret , keeps both me and my kids on his "fn"ship !!!  

hello ,
since my last post, we have had our 1st marriage counsel.
My gh confessed to 1 x thing.
Despite his letters , he denied the relationship.
In fact in the meeting he called his BF a friendship.
He did what was expected, he protected himself.
In the end the counsel asked again what do i want.
My response ,"i cant move forward with out the truth.
She then said to both of us due to the infidelity, "what was your "marriage" is over.
From here you start a new marriage or go our separate ways,.
My GH did agree that i should meet alone with counsel and realize we were misinterpreting the letter.
Again....denial denial denial

Today , i saw the marriage counsel ..
WE reviewed the letters ,and still have same conclusion.

Next Monday we all meet again to conclude my interpretation results.
Again , after 10 individual counsel sessions i have received.
They have all asked me "What do i want".
 
How do i know, when all i wanted was the truth.
Then told i didn't deserve " what i want".
What i've been asking for  30 plus yrs , i cant get.

I expect next week, he wont spill the beans.
Even though we/us my kids, are all in grave danger of being no more.
Feels like were all drowning, and because of his secret , no one can see or help us.

Im so sad , im so still , so quite, im numb, im not safe, 

How does he feel by not telling the truth ?.
Safe,. by still trying to hide behind me and our beautiful boys..


.