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1 of 1- StraightSpouse1979
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Anger
How do you deal with the anger? I still live here with my “husband” and we have our 5 year old daughter. I know it’s affecting her. I don’t know how to cohabitate in a calm manner and show affection to a degree that will keep the peace with our daughter but not make “husband” think it means more than it does nor make me uncomfortable. I am never an angry person but I am very angry lately. That plus lonely and depressed and a whole sleuth of other emotions but the anger is the main one I need to figure out how to handle
- Davin
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Re: Anger
Anger only ends up hurting yourself. Being angry at someone doesn't affect the other person at all -- it just eats away at yourself. You don't have to forget what they have done, but if you can find a way to forgive and move on it will be the best for YOU. That being said, forgiveness is hard. I struggle with it myself.
Say to yourself, "What do I deserve in life? Do I deserve to be happy? Do I deserve to be loved? Would someone be happy to share their life with me? Could I be the sunshine that someone else is so desperately seeking?" Focus on the future you. In five years, how would you like to see yourself in the past? Do you want to see someone angry and bitter that never moved forward? Or do you want to see someone that was dealt a shitty hand of cards that folded, moved on, and found a better future?
The year 2020 is soon upon us. For me, this is a mantra -- 20/20 is perfect vision. I want 2020 to be the year of me taking my vision forward, not looking in the rear view mirror and focusing on the bad things. I want my journey forward to be focused on the good things yet to come. I want my energies poured into the positive things that I will create going forward. Did I have some potholes in the road of life before? Yeah, one the size of the Grand Canyon, but I'm climbing out of that and moving forward. I will learn from my mistakes and won't make the same mistakes going forward. I will share with others my mistakes, so maybe I can help them avoid the potholes themselves.
- walkbymyself
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Re: Anger
I think I recall at some point in my life being told that depression is anger turned inward. If I have a choice, I'd rather be angry than depressed.
Relinquere fraudator, vitam lucrari.
- OutofHisCloset
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Re: Anger
For one thing, depression is paralyzing. But anger is galvanizing. The trick is harnessing it to move you out of your situation. However, if you feel the injustice of your situation, and are angry about it, but opt to stay, then anger becomes something that you need to get rid of because it interferes with your ability to do that.
- Calamity
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Re: Anger
I think it's key to be at peace and acceptance with whatever decision you make (at least for the time being). If you make the decision to stay and are angry, then look at why you are angry - what needs of yours are not being met? What needs of your daughter's are not being met? Is there emotional harm being done? You have to address these and find workable paths forward. The things causing you anger are things you need to address as a couple, even though there may or may not be mutually agreeable solutions. I think it's so important it all be put out in the daylight, not danced around, because ultimately no couple can dance around things forever.
If you can't find ways to make things workable and you find yourself turning anger inward and towards depression then it's time to look at all of the options.
- OutofHisCloset
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Re: Anger
I think, Calamity, that part of the problem, and one source of the anger, is that in many of our situations our partners are no longer part of a "couple," so trying to address something "as a couple" is an exercise in further disappointment and pain.
- Calamity
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Re: Anger
OoHC - I agree completely. I think much of the root cause the split between my ex and I was his exiting the couple relationship. It was no longer about "us" and his priority became "him," and that's pretty much were things started going wrong. (He would argue differently - because I was not willing/able to accommodate his needs and felt hurt, abandoned, and asked to sacrifice too much of my happiness I was inflexible, unaccepting, and phobic.) This is why I think that if a couple can work at the needs of both as a couple there is hope, because there is still a couple. SS1979, it's up to you to figure out if there is still a couple relationship to work on or not.
At one point I went and talked our Employee Assistance Program counselor over and told her I felt in need of marriage counseling. The best advice she gave me, over multiple visits, was, "The most successful couples enter marriage counseling either with a clear goal of preserving their marriage or a clear goal of ending their marriage; I'd advise you to decide which you are before seeking more counseling."
If there is no mutual relationship to work on and one cannot leave then acceptance and avoiding anger will be a difficult thing. I think many of us have tried this route and found ti didn't work in the end. I don't want to condemn a relationship I don't know personally, it's for those involved to decide if it's workable or not.