I'm so sorry you have this in your life, but this is a place where you can come and say whatever you need to say.  Those of us here who've been through the experience you're living understand what it is like.  
   You need to know that there is nothing wrong with you or the feelings you are having about your husband's behavior.  The discomfort you feel over his fixation on femininity, the doubts his behavior and changes raise in your about your own femininity and desires for a man who embraces and is comfortable in his maleness--these are, unfortunately, entirely normal reactions to the situation you are in.  Furthermore, if you believe that his feminizing activities will cause confusion and distress in your daughter, you have an obligation to protect her.  Change should be introduced deliberately and under the supervision of a therapist who can keep tabs on her feelings.  
   The situation of being with a man who gradually amps up the feminizing activities can be likened to being that proverbial frog in a pot of hot water--the changes are incremental and redefine normal, so that you don't notice that you're being boiled.  Until you do.
   Your feeling that you are "living inside [your] own ghost" is your body and mind telling you just what a toll this situation is taking on you. 
    There is nothing wrong with your reaching the conclusion that the changes your husband has introduced into your marriage are not acceptable to you and causing you pain, or that you need to think about ways to put some distance between the two of you, even if only temporarily, to get some needed perspective on your situation, and decide whether it's something you can live with or not.  It's very difficult to make those kinds of decisions while immersed in the crazy.
   As for any lingering feelings of guilt and loyalty, from what you say it sounds as if those have long been discharged.  You stood by him when he initiated the court case against his step father, you testified in a deposition, and you endured the pain of his telling you in 2005/6 that he wasn't sure he "wanted" you.  Add to that his tricking you into pregnancy, and it seems the person you should be feeling guilt is not you but him.  
   If there are friends and/or family you can confide in, and/or stay with, it would be very helpful for you, as would speaking to a therapist and to your doctor.  You don't have to, and shouldn't, carry this all alone.   
  

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (April 5, 2019 11:48 am)

SS1979, 
   I've read all your responses on the various threads her in the support section, and I observe that you have offered a lot of reasons why you can't do anything, while saying a lot about what your husband is doing, including spending LOTS of money in pursuit of his idea of himself as a woman.  Just because he believes he has the right to tell you what you can do (satisfy yourself elsewhere) doesn't make that true, or your only option.  He does not have the right to dictate to you the terms of the marriage, although doing so is common with these transgender men, who are so entitled that they believe they can change the terms of the marriage--essentially voiding your marriage contract--and you are obligated to adjust and to stay.  You are reeling on the ropes and are not able to see that he does not have all the power; nor he does not have the right or the power to define or order what will be.  You are in REACT or FREEZE mode, and you need to shift your thinking to ACT mode.  
  One, if you are married, you have LEGAL RIGHTS, and this includes to MONEY and PENSION funds.  So you need to stop thinking in terms of "he's spending a lot of money to pursue his desired self/body so I can't go out and see a therapist to help me."   You need to learn how to reframe and talk back to your thoughts.  
  I have seen advice from a transwoman who said, in essence, "This doesn't change, this doesn't "get better" or "go away," and your spouse will dissipate ALL your assets in pursuit of what is driving him, so PROTECT YOURSELF FINANCIALLY."  You do this by VISITING A LAWYER and finding out what your rights are, and how to stop the hemorrhage of money that dissipates marital assets, half of which you are likely to discover you are legally entitled to.  
   Here's one thing I discovered: once I left my now ex, my anxiety and stress decreased, which meant I slept better.  

SS1979, 
I posted this in response to one of your posts in another thread, but I'll post it here, too. 

It sounds like he has put several non-negotiable constraints on your marriage and you've really tried very hard to work with these even when you weren't consulted and/or your feelings weren't taken into account.  What are your non-negotiable needs?  If you did the equivalent or equal to what he is doing, do you think he would work as hard to accomodate you?  It's no wonder you feel angry, hurt, and depressed, this sounds like a pretty one-sided arrangement.  

I've been there, so I don't mean to sound quite as harsh as perhaps it does.  When one spouse can be accomodating and really wants to give things a chance in the face of such adamant and even "done-deal" needs of the other, it's hard to decide where the line is.  Was it once hormones?   Was it clothing?  Was it sex?  Where will the line be in the future?  You can only take deep stock for yourself and maybe with a therapist (not his gender oriented therapist - get your own!) to decide where you want to be and what will work for you. 

I firmly agree - talk to a lawyer!  My experience was that I was so caught up in the emotional and just plain logistical issues I wasn't always thinking clearly about legal ones.  I found a great lawyer who basically made it clear off the bat (only much more subtle and with kinder words) that she was there for me for legal advice so I'd know my rights under the law and could negotiate a fair separation of assets; she wasn't there to hear about how obnoxious and hurtful he was, how emotionally devastated I felt, or anything else.  Thing is, that's exactly the reality-based perspective I needed (and also the role of a lawyer).  Find out what your legal options are and how you can protect yourself financially. Then if/when you make the emotional decisions you'll be on solid ground in terms of resources.  I'm sure it doesn't feel like it right now, but you have rights and can take action to protect some necessities.