OurPath Open Forum
This forum is for discussion of issues related to Mixed Orientation relationships only, that is when one partner is heterosexual (straight) and one is Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Questioning.
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1 of 1- Kaylamarie
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Worried it will happen to me again.
I got out of a very controlling relationship with my ex boyfriend almost a year ago. I found a gay app on his phone and I just knew that I was done. There had been signs (lack of male friends, into decorating) but all of them were stereotypical and I felt like how can I be so shallow to think of him that way just because he is not completely a mans man. We had a very active sex life which I think has messed with my mind badly because I am so afraid I will end up with a closeted gay man again. I recently started dating a guy that is very different from my ex and treats me very nicely. However I feel like I have extremely intrusive thoughts where I worry that some of the things he either says or does could mean he is hiding something. He has done nothing by the way. I do not think that he has had a serious relationship before me and I think he just dated around. He is turning 30 this year. It is so hard for me because I want to be happy with this man but my fear of him being gay or anyone that I am with being gay makes it hard for me to relax and be happy. I feel like I have this demon chasing me making me believe I do not deserve a guy that actually wants me because I was so easily tricked before. Just in need of some advice. I just want to be happy and not sabotage myself. I guess the answer I really want is something I cant have which is "this wont happen to you again:".
- Daryl
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Re: Worried it will happen to me again.
I think it's quite normal to worry about a new relationship going the same way the other one did. There are no guarantees for the future but I bet you learned a few things from your earlier experience. Are you noticing unexplained absences? Friends you don't get to meet? Phones and other electronic devices that are always locked or kept close at hand? Mystery text messages? When there are "no secrets" I think that shows. In addition, I also don't think you can live a secret life without building a few walls to protect it. Live smart and live fearless.
“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
- lily
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Re: Worried it will happen to me again.
it really can happen again. For two reasons - one is that you are likely to be 'user friendly' for a GID - i.e. kindhearted, trusting and friendly. and because there are so many of them, mathematics say it is on the cards.
But, as Daryl says - you know what to look for and if you are having intrusive thoughts saying he might be a GID then don't dismiss them - you might very well be right. Feels like he's hiding something? that is a red flag. It is good to be picky, wishing you lots of good luck.
- Whirligig
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Re: Worried it will happen to me again.
Raising my hand for the 'worried it will happen again' club membership. Pretty sure I have experienced this twice now. Only the first was a serious relationship, and it wouldn't have crossed my mind at the time but there were all sorts of behaviors that lined up after I've learned more about the dynamics this time around. Pretty depressing but I am getting better with boundaries so that is a plus. I may end up single for the rest of my life but I'm learning to be okay with that too. Some days are easier than others though.
- Duped
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Re: Worried it will happen to me again.
I agree it can happen again, happened to me twice. Trust your instincts.
- Kaylamarie
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Re: Worried it will happen to me again.
I appreciate everyone's advice but I feel for me personally that I cant trust my instincts. Mostly because my anxiety & OCD level about this situation make me question everything. I also was sexually abused by a family member and had other abuses in my life before my ex, so I am constantly in fear of being hurt. I am going to pursue therapy to try and work on learning how to trust myself again. In regards to this man in my life, he has not given me a reason at all to doubt him and I am going to stay alert but also not let my past hold me back from a connection with him. I am going to talk to him about some of my trust issues and see what happens. I dont think I will go deep with what happened but just explain that I was betrayed. If I scrutinize every single man I date to try and find something "gay" about him, I will never find love or happiness. I hope the same for everyone here also. God bless.
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Thread Starter- Roo
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Re: Worried it will happen to me again.
I don't think it would happen to me again because I can't and don't see myself dating again. BUT...I have to get out of the situation I am in now first. I fantasize about solo travel all the time.
“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain, when you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.” ~ Haruki Murakami ~
- Rob
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Re: Worried it will happen to me again.
I have to say to everyone there are a lot of kind straight non-GID men out there.
For myself I figure no one can hurt me as much as my GX did. And all woman cannot be GID sociopaths like her.
I thank God for getting me away from TGT. So much happier now.
Last edited by Rob (April 3, 2019 2:43 pm)
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7