Whirligig wrote:

I'm so sorry 'space for your painful discovery. I can relate very much to your feelings of being deceived and then feeling obligated to keep the secret of someone you care for to your detriment.

As someone who was lied to in the process of getting to know someone I was interested in dating I can relate to your wondering if you could work it out. You care about them. You are compassionate. Of course you don't want to abandon someone you love who says they love you when they are struggling...but would you tolerate cheating if they were straight?


Do you want to commit to someone who is unlikely to be able to commit to you in the way you deserve? Who has proven already that they can't? I want better for you. And better for me too.

Wishing you the best whatever decisions you make. I'm sorry. I know how badly this hurts. I'm slowly beginning to feel that I've had a narrow escape. It didn't feel like that at first. Reading some of the threads has really put that into perspective for me on the bad days when I feel lonely and sad. Best of luck.

Thank you. Your words are somehow comforting. I wish the situation was black or white and not such a gray area. I never thought I would tolerate cheating. The thought of making excuses for it makes me feel sick. And yet.... here I am, wondering if anything I’m doing/feeling is “right”.

Hello again Blankspace.  First I want to apologize for mentioning my health issue in your thread - I didn't mean to horn in on your space, but at the same time, I would also like to thank Lynne, Lily, and Daryl very much for their good wishes and comments about my situation.  Your good thoughts mean more than any of you might know.

Now Blankspace, I did want to add some more about your situation.  You said a couple of posts up that you wish this wasn't such a gray area and that it would be easier if it were black and white.  Well, I'll tell you my take on your situation is that it is black and white, it is only "gray" because you are still in love with him.  The actual situation I think is very cut and dry.  The others who have given you advice are all very knowledgeable and experienced with this business and I would heed what they say.

It is just so, so hard and such a shock to be in the position you are in.  There are hints of what I went through in your story too.  He wants to have his cake and eat it too and life just doesn't work that way.  You do not owe him anything in the way of not talking about this to friends and family.  Just take care of yourself and do what you feel you need to do.  Be gentle and kind to yourself.

It's a gray fog of indecision isn't it? I think it's completely normal to wonder if you are doing the right thing. The really hard part is realizing that no matter what you choose it's going to hurt. It's not your responsibility, though, to take his pain on yourself.

If it helps, think of it as a consequence of his behavior and not a punishment you are inflicting. He chose to lie to you. He doesn't get to choose how you deal with that.

Still, that doesn't make it any easier on your heart so be patient with yourself. Take care of yourself physically, too. You might want to get tested for STI's just to be safe even if he says he hasn't acted on his desires. Take care of yourself.