Sean,

It’s nice to hear from you. Your post is very meaningful. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. You are a gem.

I have a question if you don’t mind. You know my story already.

I caught my husband having profiles on gay hookup apps  He still says it was just online and to see what kind of reaction he gets. CL ads under m4m over the course of our entire marriage as well. I found secret emails too. He admitted he went online and chat with men .

He says it’s all his fantasy. He just likes chatting with men and it is to some extend sexual but he doesn’t want to physically be with a guy. He says he promises to never act on his urges and if I stay, he will limit it to porn! Hmm. He still says he loves me and wants to be with me.

My heart is not in this marriage anymore to be honest. I can’t live with someone who for his own benefit deceived me. Can never trust him. I also think, even if he promises and wants to never act on it again, he can never fulfill me the way I expect from my man. It’s like pushing the opposite sides of a magnet together. Also Im worried that if I stay and believe that it’s just a curiosity, later in life he decides that he really want to live his true self.

Reading all of this about him, what are your thoughts about his sexuality again? You previously told me that you strongly believe that he’s gay. He keeps saying that he’s not even bi, he just has bisexual fantasies. Closet gay?

Last edited by Mimi (March 31, 2019 10:47 am)

hi Sean - good to read your update and as usual, great advice for Mimi.  all the best.

A fellow member named Ellexoh_nz asked an excellent question: "Why does a forum for straight spouses ask advice from a gay person?" I've taken the liberty of re-posting her question here so that everyone can post/respond. I think straight spouses post on my thread for two reasons: 

1. Perspective
2. Dialogue 

Perspective: As a gay man and father who married (and divorced) a woman, I think I have a unique perspective in that I've done most of the terrible things gay-in-denial husbands have done: namely lying; cheating; sexual neglect; and emotional abuse. When I first started posting here, I thought my own story was quite unique. Thanks to countless exchanges here, I now understand that gay/straight marriages follow roughly the same pattern. And by pattern I mean: the spouses are more friends than lovers; from the beginning sex is sporadic then stops; he gets caught on gay porn and hook up chats/apps; he denies cheating then claims he was abused as a child; couples' counselling begins; and then the couple reconciles "for the children." This tragic cycle repeats 3-5 times and with every cycle, the straight spouse learns more horrifying details about her husband's homosexuality.     

With regards to dialogue, I believe this thread gives straight wives the opportunity to have conversations they'd like to have had with their own husbands. Most straight wives never hear, "I'm gay" from their gay-in-denial husbands (GIDHs). Most GIDHs are too trapped in their own denial to ever say, "I'm gay" to themselves or anyone else. So I reckon hearing "yes he's gay" from another gay man is perhaps as close as they'll ever get to the truth. It's a bit like writing a letter to someone in counselling...a letter most never send. So I think this thread helps some straight spouses to find closure. My reasoning is as follows: if a straight spouse can't get an admission from her own GIDH, then a substitute may be hearing the unfiltered truth from a former GIDH.

Those are my thoughts. What do you think my friends? 

“So I think this thread helps some straight spouses to find closure. My reasoning is as follows: if a straight spouse can't get an admission from her own GIDH, then a substitute may be hearing the unfiltered truth from a former GIDH.”
This sums up why I come to you for advice. I’ve been getting priceless advice from other members on this site since my discovery. Members who have gone through what I have experienced. They’ve been on my side.

I come to you for advice because you are on the other side. I need to hear the unfiltered truth from someone like you who has gone through what my GIDH has. You have read hundreds of stories from people who shared on this site. So through your own life experience and also the patterns you’ve seen, you give us a perspective. You know what it means when a husband says “it’s only curiosity”, after being caught multiple times. Because you have experienced it. You don’t sugar coat your opinion and that’s what I need to hear. I truly appreciate your input. It’s been tremendous help. Same as all the other advice I’m getting here. Keep it up Sean!

Hi Violated! I'm so happy that you're finally going to be free in just a few short weeks. Imagine a future without being force-fed your gay-in-denial ex-husband's batsh*t crazy lies. In response to your latest post:

1. I have divorced my GIDXH, but he still lives in the house for a few more weeks.

Victory! I'm sorry your marriage ended but I'm happy you'll finally be free from such a toxic human being. He's definitely a gay in denial (ex) husband (GIDH). 

2. I continue to play detective, some may feel this is not healthy for me, but for me it gives me validation every time I find evidence of his gay behavior.

I applaud you for owning it.

3. Within the past few months, he has googled "gay sensual massages, adult book stores."

That's because he's going to masturbation massage parlors. Adult books stores and sex shops are where men can hook up with other men in back rooms. A lot of these men are closeted like your soon to be ex-husband (STBX). 

4. He always describes himself to me as "self indulgent only," that he enjoys stimulating himself thru anal dildos and looking at gay porn. He claims he likes to masturbate by looking at himself in the mirror.

He's lying. There is nothing "solo" nor "self-indulgent" about getting jerked off by a male masseur nor giving/receiving oral sex in the back room of some sleazy sex shop. 

5. He refuses to say he is Gay but will admit that he is "not totally straight, mostly heterosexual, doesn't want a relationship with a man."

Here he's lying...to both you and himself. As I might have shared in our previous exchanges, I think most 50+ year old men are just too far gone emotionally to ever come out of the closet. While this isn't a hard and fast rule, older generations were simply raised in a more homophobic society which resulted in a toxic form of self-hatred. For example, a lot of GIDH's demonstrate hostility towards the gay community by mocking effeminate men for example. This is an outward manifestation of internalized homophobia. Men like your husbands often see themselves as "sexually gay" and yet "emotionally straight." This means while they can do "sexual stuff" with other men, they deny wanting to have a same-sex relationship because to admit as much would be an admission that he wants intimacy with another man. This is simply a line the closeted male cannot cross.  

6. Most recently he completed his profile on line dating and is seeking a woman! I guess he is looking for his new cover/beard.

100% agree. I've read about this quite a bit, namely mature ex-husbands looking for a new "beard." 

7. Anyway, today, I discovered he took a selfie of himself in the nude, with an erection, fully exposing his "junk" and his face is also in the picture. Question: Do you think he took this picture for his own pleasure because he is "self Indulgent," or do you believe he intends to send it to potential partners?

He's probably using nude pictures for gay sex apps like Grindr, Hornet, or Scruff. While I think it's a normal part of the break up process to "stalk" a former partner for a time, I'd get professional help if it starts to become an obsession. Some time ago, I believe we talked about co-dependency. If you still feel an overwhelming need to help your ex-husband come out, you might wish to discuss co-dependency with your counsellor/therapist. Once you are divorced and no longer live together, your husband is no longer your responsibility. This means you'll both be free of your toxic relationship. After a time, he might even find the courage to fully come out. (I seem to recall he planned to move across the country...probably to a gay-friendly city like Palm Springs.) By staying in contact or claiming to be "best friends," I reckon former spouses just slow down or even halt the healing process. I hope that makes sense my friend. Please feel free to post again if you have any questions. Be well! 

Last edited by Sean (April 4, 2019 8:23 am)