Calamity,
 I second what you have to say in your final sentence.
 I believe that had my husband been less secretive, more open, more willing to communicate and more able to empathize with any of what I was experiencing--had been able to imagine what an adjustment it was and the enormity of what was required of me for us to stay together--I might very well have been able to go on and be married him.
  At the same time, now being out of it, I am grateful that he was as self-involved, self-absorbed, as unempathetic and narcissistic as he was, because I am convinced that although I would have stayed, this would have been a reflection not of a healthy adjustment on my part, but of a capitulation to some very deep and destructive tendencies in myself that have their roots in my childhood experiences.  
  A male cannot become a female; it's genetically impossible.  Female hormones feminize a male, but they do not remake a male into a female.  A male by definition cannot be a lesbian.  A male/man cannot know in any way other than by cultural influence and definition what it is to be a female/woman, and it's crystal clear that our culture defines woman by men's needs and by men's definitions.  The current trans moment of men redefining woman for their own purposes is just the latest manifestation of a very old practice.
   

I can completely understand. I am 39 and have been with my husband since i was 19 years old. Married almost 10 years this august. We have a five year old daughter. He started taking estrogen this summer without asking me about how I felt and since it works for him that is what it is. He wears women underwear. If i dont have a push up bra on his chest is almost as big as mine since I am a small woman that way. He has diamond stud earrings on which he says is because his ears hurt and he is fixing them. He wears women bright colored socks. He wears women type jeans and walks more feminine than I do. IF you saw his photo he looks like a manly woman. He tells me that if i want to step outside the marriage for sexual reasons that he would understand as long as i didnt get emotionally attached but that is just not how I am. It would have to be someone i know well enough to feel comfortable with and that would cause emotional attachment one way or another. I feel hurt, angry, depressed, disgusted, uncomfortable and lonely all the time. 

SS1979, it sounds like he has put several non-negotiable constraints on your marriage and you've really tried very hard to work with these even when you weren't consulted and/or your feelings weren't taken into account.  What are your non-negotiable needs?  If you did the equivalent or equal to what he is doing, do you think he would work as hard to accomodate you?  It's no wonder you feel angry, hurt, and depressed, this sounds like a pretty one-sided arrangement.  

I've been there, so I don't mean to sound quite as harsh as perhaps it does.  When one spouse can be accomodating and really wants to give things a chance in the face of such adamant and even "done-deal" needs of the other, it's hard to decide where the line is.  Was it hormones?   Was it clothing?  Was it sex?  Where will the line be in the future?  You can only take deep stock for yourself and maybe with a therapist (not his gender oriented therapist - get your own!) to decide where you want to be and what will work for you.