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March 23, 2019 5:38 pm  #1


Still crazy after all these years.

Still hurts.

My ex and I met in college, had our first date the summer before our senior year.  By Thanksgiving we were engaged; married in June.  While I finished college (I was on the 5-year plan) and went to graduate school, she slaved in a variety of restaurants; once I graduated and went to work with a real job, she went back for her master’s.  After a couple of years living in New York City, we moved back home; she went back to school to be certified to teach here.  After 10 years together, 9 of them married, she crushed on a girl who crushed back; she was in full bloom, my world not so good.

The split was hard for both of us, since we loved each other very much.  There were no books or internet information back in the day, so we felt quite alone.  Fortunately, we went to couples’ therapy.  About half of the couples that our therapist worked with were gay, so she was both accepting and knowledgeable.  Wife told me in February, moved out and back in a couple of times, ultimately left me a note on the kitchen table New Year’s Eve never to return.  The divorce was amicable; we each took our half of the debt and didn’t have any children.

For 3 – 4 years we had a good relationship.  We sent each other cards for birthdays and holidays, had the occasional meal together.  She partnered up first—I watched it happen since we were all in the same performing group.  Girlfriend and I got along fine, they sent me postcards when they went on vacation.

Then I married my current wife, who actually knew the Ex from school. Indeed, her first words to me were “You’re [Ex]’s husband? I’ve heard so much about you!” (She hadn’t heard of the divorce; that was awkward, but we got over it). About the same time, Ex and Girlfriend split up.

Fast forward, it’s been over 20 years. Wife and I have a big house and three kids in college; Ex and her current partner have a lovely home, have been together for years.

The problem? Starting about the time of my wedding/her split, Ex started ghosting me.  I kept sending the usual stuff friends send, she stopped—and made her family stop too.  This was hard, since I had a close relationship with my [ex-] mother in law, who helped me a great deal when we were first married.  (My own childhood was gruesome; one of the added benefits to the first marriage was finally being part of a real functioning family.)
This hurt.  A lot.  I heard through the grapevine that [ex-]mother in law moved in with Ex and Partner.  I dropped by Christmas Eve to give [ex-] mother in law a present and thank her for all she did for me.  (Brought a nice bottle of wine and chocolate for Ex and Partner too.)  [Ex-] mother in law was there, but just visiting from the adult home—she has Alzheimer’s, did not even recognize me.

Three days later, got this email from the Ex: “. . . I have not spoken to you for all these years, nor responded to any of your letters at my various addresses because I do not wish to have any kind of relationship with you. . . .”  She is “setting boundaries” since she has “moved on.”

This was a gut punch.  I’m at peace with the dissolving of our marriage, Ex didn’t choose to change her sexual orientation identity. This, on the other hand, is clearly a choice on her part.

I’m hurting as much now as when she first left.
 

 

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