My GH admitted to me (after 32 yrs of marriage) of his same sex attraction & other inappropriate behaviors!  I told my 3 adult children as soon as I received this news. They are smart enough to know their parents were not looking at a divorce after all these years for no reason. I’m of the opinion that if the kids are of a reasonable age to tell the truth, they should be told. I feel it is just as much my story to tell as his. I’m not staying quiet about it so he can lead a secret life while I just sit there in pain! 

Good luck.

This is an area of real concern for me -- my kids are still at home, 14 and 17. I don't know how I will handle telling them about things. I know that they have some suspicions of their own. I have heard them make comments about how their parents never have any public displays of affection. I joked about embarasing my kids at a restaurant. They were there with friends, and my wife and I were picking up some takeout. I told my kids my wife and I would make out at the restaurant and they came back with "you don't do that at home, no chance you'd do it in public at a restaurant."

I do not know how I will navigate those waters. How much do I tell them? If I don't tell them, they will most likely be led to believe that it was my fault.

It really stinks that as the straight ones we often end up getting the rap as the bad guy -- the one who ended the marriage. Our spouses would be content to live the rest of their lives a lie regardless of the impact that it has on us and our well being. My wife knows that my depression is rooted in this lie but she has never done anything about it. Once she said that if I just needed to end the marriage for my personal needs that she would support it. But again, it was MY issue that required the split, it had nothing to do with the fact that she did not disclose her same sex attraction while we were dating before we got married.

I know that is a challenge, and sadly your husband isn't willing to come out about it.  I would suggest to try to bring it up with them in a softer way (rather than a "if you don't tell them, I will"), maybe try to broach the subject with how much you both love your kids, that as teenagers (I'm guessing) they are able to handle the truth of their parent's sexuality and why their parents are getting divorced.  It's best as you know if both of you can be on the same page when communicating with your kids about these difficult topics.  Wish you the best to navigate those waters, if that fails, maybe seeking a third party counselor or moderator can help get the perspective and concern across.  I know in my own situation, having a third party was very useful as my former spouse was extremely combative and did not want to do anything I suggested or said.

Davin wrote:

This is an area of real concern for me -- my kids are still at home, 14 and 17. I don't know how I will handle telling them about things. I know that they have some suspicions of their own. I have heard them make comments about how their parents never have any public displays of affection.

Davin, my daughter is now 23, but I know for a fact that when she was little, it really, really bothered her that my husband wouldn't do things like hold my hand, or put his arm around me, in public.  She may have been only six or seven, but I can remember her almost stage-managing us: "Dadda, put your arm around Mamma.  Now move your chair closer to her."  I know it really bothered her.

I actually remember when other male family friends were around, and they would show affection toward me (like by putting an arm around my shoulders) I could feel her staring at me, because she'd never actually seen me being the object of love like that.

When she learned that he was gay, this is one of the things she confronted him over.  She told him that all her life, the only relationships that had been modeled to her had been us, and she grew up thinking and feeling that it was normal for a husband to be uncomfortable with affection, and now that she is an adult those are the relationships she's felt most at home in: where the guy is uncomfortable and doesn't want to show affection.  I told her nearly a year ago, and she's still really angry with him.

In a normal divorce (whatever that is) people try not to involve the kids, but I've learned from my daughter herself: this is also her origin story, and she has a right to know and to be angry on her own behalf.