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1 of 1- Nibbler
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Did I just open a can of worms?
We are newlyweds (less than a year) in our mid to late 20's and I went on my first trip without my husband recently. He forgot to log out of his Google account on my laptop so his account activity was readily available to me. Thinking I've been away for a few days let's see what porn he's been watching as a joke. Turns out, it was explicitly gay porn. And not just once, or twice, but for at least the last two weeks of history I went through it was almost exclusively all gay, bisexual, or straight man with gay man porn. I never suspected him of anything and this is the first time I have gone through his history. I trust my husband and never had a need to "check up" on his internet activities. The only reason I did was for entertainment and to joke around with him that I know what porn videos he's been jerking it to. In hindsight I probably should not have gone through his history
Now, I have no problem with porn or masturbation. I'm very open sexually and have never shamed him for any of his kinks. I've never said no to trying new things and I like making him feel good including pegging, anal (on him) and fisting. He takes regularly very long showers where he masturbates with his anal toys and I have no problem giving him that time to enjoy himself.
The last few months he's been distant with me. Spending more time online and playing games, and also rejecting me when I try to initiate sex. I blew this off thinking it's just part of married life but when I stumbled across the large quantity of gay porn it made me question everything. I also noticed the nights he rejected me physically we're also the same nights he spent time watching porn after I had gone to bed so I know it's not his sex drive. Before we met he had a history of being fairly promiscuous but has denied any involvement with other men.
When I confronted him about it he gave me the excuse "It's the internet and lots of dudes watch gay porn". I don't doubt that the occasional straight man wandered over to check out gay porn, but I don't think most stay there and keep coming back making it exclusively the porn they watch. He kept saying how embarrassing this was for him and didn't give me a lot of answers when I was asking him about it. He did keep denying he has any fantasies of being with another man or wanting to try it out even once. I feel like he was just brushing me off like a kid who just got caught by his mom jerking off and was receiving the sex talk.
I don't think this is normal and probably a much bigger problem than just this one conversation. I genuinely don't think he has figured things out for himself or admitted to himself that he has these desires but I feel like this seems like a journey of exploring those feelings. I very much love my husband and want to support him through anything he has going on. I don't want him to feel alone or ashamed of questions he has about his sexuality. I have so many emotions about this situation that are difficult to put into words. I don't want to be overly dramatic and assume he is gay, or be naive and forget this whole incident happened. I'm also feeling a little bit selfish because if it turns out he is attracted to men that will change our relationship in ways I am not sure will survive so I want an answer right now and not be waisting my time. I wouldn't mind having an open relationship if it came to that but i know he would not be ok with me being with other people. I want to be the strong supportive person but I don't know how to do that or if it's fair to me to be that person. I don't think he would ever cheat on me and I want him to feel comfortable enough if those feeling ever develop to come to me and talk about it first. I would think at almost 30 he would know if he likes men or not, but he was raised in a very conservative home and is conservative himself when it comes to politics. He had no problem being around my LGBTQ friends and has never made any negative comments about their sexuality.
Is this something I need to be worried about? Does anyone have similar experiences? I don't know how to navigate a situation like this or what to expect for our relationship. I guess I'm just looking for some guidance and reassurance regardless of which direction this goes. I feel like I'm alone and totally in the dark.
Last edited by Nibbler (March 19, 2019 12:51 pm)
- Abby
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Re: Did I just open a can of worms?
In answer to your question "Is this something I need to be worried about?" in my personal opinion the answer is "YES!". You have been married less than a year; your husband has been asking for sexual activities often desired by men from men and - most importantly -
"The last few months he's been distant with me. Spending more time online and playing games, and also rejecting me when I try to initiate sex."
These are not typical newly-wed behavior in heterosexual couples. It may be easier to ask yourself not if he is "bi" or "gay" but if he is exhibiting enough sexual interest in you for you to want to stick around. If you are the one having to initiate and being rebuffed that's not promising for your future.
He seems to know very well what he wants by what he seeks. You are not alone and I and many others here ignored behavior for years that seemed off and supported our spouses through whatever was bothering them, Too often we ignore our own needs for love and intimacy and accepted that we were not what our spouses desired because something was wrong with us.
You may have been in the dark but you are seeing pretty clearly now. My question to you is "What do you want the rest of your life to look like?"
Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
- Mimi
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Re: Did I just open a can of worms?
Nibbler
What you’ll notice is that a lot of the men/women being in denial were raised in conservative families or societies.
They deal with internalized homophobia. Sexuality is not something you discover in your 20s and 30s. You very well know who you’re attracted to when you are 5,6 years old. Your husband, including mine knew about this all their lives but weren’t comfortable enough to live it out in the real world. I don’t know if your husband is gay or bi or anything in between but fact is, he’s attracted to men.
Like Abby said, focus on what you want from a marriage and see if what you have right now is satisfying for you.
Don’t brush this off. Not telling you what to do but be happy you found out early on. I married young, when I was 22 and ignored all the red flags. 14 years later, I wish I hadn’t.
- Nibbler
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Re: Did I just open a can of worms?
Abby wrote:
In answer to your question "Is this something I need to be worried about?" in my personal opinion the answer is "YES!". You have been married less than a year; your husband has been asking for sexual activities often desired by men from men and - most importantly.
He seems to know very well what he wants by what he seeks. You are not alone and I and many others here ignored behavior for years that seemed off and supported our spouses through whatever was bothering them, Too often we ignore our own needs
Here's the thing. We have a wonderful relationship. He's my best friend. He knows me better than anyone else in the world, and the idea that he has an attraction to men has me feeling pretty much lied to. The sex is great when we have it. I have a high sex drive and I keep thinking "it's ok if he doesn't want to have sex all the time". I don't want to ignore red flags. I guess I'm just looking for someone to tell me I'm being dramatic and it's no big deal but my gut is telling me this is a bid deal. I always thought about the things he asks me to do as just physically pleasing and not as something with significant meaning behind them.
I hate that this is my second marriage. My first was when I was young and dumb (pardon the cliche). I don't want to be that person that's been divorced twice by the time I'm in my 30s. I hate that I'm even thinking about something like this.
I want to talk to him about this but I don't know how. How do I not seem like I'm blowing it out of proportion if he's denying everything?
Last edited by Nibbler (March 19, 2019 5:43 pm)
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Re: Did I just open a can of worms?
Nibbler-
Sorry you are in this situation but glad you found this support. I’ve been married almost 33 years & just got my GH’s admission of same sex attraction several months ago. We still live in the same house but not together. We have 3 grown children and 2 beautiful grandchildren. My GH never communicated with me about anything of importance or any feelings over the years & what seemed like small things over the years in hindsight were red flags. He admitted to gay porn too.
This has been brutal on both me & my daughters & granddaughters. The lies, deceit & inappropriate/illegal behavior have now made it where the children/grands are not having anything to do with him. And I agree! This is my story and my family is everything to me, but if I could turn back time and know what I know now about him, I would not have put myself through this or my children. It may not feel like it, but you are in a position to help yourself before children are put in a terrible situation. Just my opinion
Hoping for the best for you.
- Daryl
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Re: Did I just open a can of worms?
I wish I could suggest a strategy for discussion but if he doesn't want to talk about this I doubt you will make him. You've already seen some minimization of your concerns along with some excuses. Maybe think about how this makes you feel and what your expectations inside a marriage are. That might lead to a communications channel.
In all honesty I think you have a number of red flags waving here. First of all, in my opinion, no heterosexual man seeks out gay porn. If it's stumbled upon, it's quickly clicked off of, not revisited for weeks. Everyone has their kinks but the desire for pegging and other anal play sounds a lot like a "gay bottom". It doesn't mean he has done the deed but it's certainly a bit different from most hetero-men's desires. Finally the emotional and physical distance is a familiar statement here on this board.
Best wishes for the future.
Last edited by Daryl (March 19, 2019 6:31 pm)
“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
- lolita17
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Re: Did I just open a can of worms?
Nibbler,
"Here's the thing. We have a wonderful relationship. He's my best friend. He knows me better than anyone else in the world, and the idea that he has an attraction to men has me feeling pretty much lied to." I could hear myself saying these words. My dear, take the time to read the stories here and you will understand that most of us have the same stories. My husband keep saying that he s just curious etc.... and can t understand why I am making a big deal. But guess, you might not agree but porn itself is an issue in marriage. As long a s your husband is getting enough satisfaction by himself to the point that he denies you what you are entitled to you should be worried.
You are lucky to have found this now that you are a new wed. I have been married for 9 years and I still consider myself lucky in comparison to those who were married with a gay man for 30-45 years.
Now can you do something about it. Yes but only if your man want to recognize the problem. Reading your story I feel like it can be both easy and complicated. Easy because you seem to be open, and agreed to let him enjoy kinks most women would be suspicious about. Hard because he might be afraid to lose you because of the betrayal. I would suggest that you continue to be opened with him. Show him that you are only concerned about improving your sex life for the success of your relationship. Try not to judge. Of course this is going to be super hard. but at least you have to try.
I also suggest that you read the first aid kit in the general forum. it will give you idea on what to do. I know how disappointed this can be for you. I suggest you get help for yourself with a therapist too.
Take care, we are ere for you.
Much love Lolita
- lily
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Re: Did I just open a can of worms?
sorry to say it, but the red flags are flying and you need to be looking after yourself not him. I don't think you need to worry about being married twice while still young. It is good to be picky.