Hi drewch,
 After reading your post here I decided to read "How to Lose Your Wife to Another Woman". I could have wrote quite a bit of that same story.
 I am almost 9 years post-divorced now and have been remarried to a wonderful woman. But that book brought it back to me rather raw. I well remember doing and trying everything I could to keep us together but her gay won out.
 I am sorry you are going through this and wish you the best of luck.

Be well!

Drewch, I hope you are having good moments scattered in as often as possible during this nightmare. I hope you're able to check in frequently and update us.

 

I am not sure about your exact situation, Drewch, but I would be very skeptical that her time spent going out with her bisexual friend has never lead to anything that would be unacceptable to you. Every situation is different, but the majority of the time, the gay spouse has already acted on their same sex attraction by the time they are compelled to tell the straight spouse. I'm not sure what you should do with that information. You can choose to trust your spouse, you can try to prove or disprove things, you can set clear boundaries, but the sad reality that many of us come to realize is you cannot control the outcome of things. If she wants to go out, there is little you can do to stop her, and if she wants to act on her SSA, she will.

I hope things work out better for you than for many of us. Genuinely praying for you and your family.

OnMyOwnTwoFeet wrote:

LastOne wrote:

Drewch,
we had a long talk and half way through it, she looked at the clock and said "I have someone waiting for me" and it hit me like a ton of bricks. The next morning I woke and said to myself that she had someone waiting for her and that person was not me, and I had to put on my boots and start walking my own path.

 

 
This is one of the hardest things. “That person is not me.”  They are choosing someone—or something—that is not us. It makes all the years together with them seem like such a complete rejection. It is surreal, especially when you realize they have been choosing “something else” for much of your marriage.  Just not choosing you.  What was I to him all these 30ish years?  Not what I thought I was.  And not being “chosen” is not just now, but throughout the entire marriage.

Been there done/felt that.

I call that "the discard".  When you have been together 20, 30, 40 years and they have decided and chosen someone else.  Definitely hits you like a ton of bricks.  It goes way beyond TGT.  It is an inhumane feeling...that all your years of friendship and love count for nothing..you can be cast aside like a used soda can..   Its a scary thing to realize they can do this with no feeling of remorse or shame. How horrible a morality they have to do this..that they have convinced themselves or their gay friend did that we deserve this treatment.

Its not true I tell you..we are worth more than they can comprehend.  Our authentic fierce love is more then they understand and, now, more than they deserve.


Walk on...the anger and rage from them will come when they find, in the divorce,  that we will not go die somewhere ..that we count and have a right to exist and live.
Do not for a moment think that they are somehow right on any level and we somehow deserve this treatment.    Know that there are good people out there that would not and cannot treat another human being in this way. It is this horrible morality that i thank God
I am far away from. 

I heard a saying that just our mere existence, our constant loving acts, irratates their demons.  They choose then...but it has nothing to do with us..we did nothing so wrong.