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March 4, 2019 8:49 pm  #1

Bisexual Husband might actually be gay, Polyamory, and Confusion.

I don’t know where to begin, so perhaps I’ll just start from the very beginning:

I (28) met my husband (29) during our undergrad at a religious university in 2013. He was very open about being bisexual and attracted to men from the very beginning; that he was more attracted to women than men. We became best friends over that year and later began dating. I was the first person he had ever kissed or held hands with; we were head over heels for one another. We rarely ever made out but we would kiss each other good bye at the end of the night. Long story short, we went from best friends to falling in love with one another and he proposed.Because we were both religious, we both didn’t have sex with one another until we were married. I remember sending him photos of myself in lingerie via text (2014) before we got engaged and all he texted back was a smiley face. He later told me that those photos made him feel slightly awkward because of his beliefs of waiting until we were married to do those types of things. I apologized and never sent photos like that to him ever again.

After 2 ½ years of knowing one another and dating, we got married (2015).I thought we would have this honey moon period of intimacy, especially since we waited until marriage, but that honeymoon period of frequent intimacy never happened for us. It has now been three years since we’ve been married and nothing has changed in a positive way. Once we got back from our honeymoon trip, we only had sex twice a month, maybe 3 times a month if I was lucky. I began wondering what was wrong with me.

Outside the times we did have sex, there was no making out, no passion, and no intimacy. He still would never touch me intimately or passionately (though we do hold hands or cuddle sometimes). Even wearing lingerie once during our marriage did nothing for him. I would try to make out with him and he would pull away (we've never used tongue). He would turn his head to the side and just give me a kiss on the cheek. When trying to initiate sex, there were many times he would turn me down telling me I was "oversexed." I just yearned for him to just make out with me, to tell me for the first time that he wanted me; we've never experienced passion together.

There have been many times when we did try to be intimate, he had erectile dysfunction issues, but blamed it on me; there was always an excuse. He would say he was tired from work, wasn’t in the mood, or that we would the next day (which he never followed through on). I respected him and loved him. I did ask him to get tested for Low T, which took him months to do, and when he did it came back normal.Last year, as I was finishing grad school, my counselor asked me how often my husband and I were intimate, and I opened up to her about what was going on. She mentioned that perhaps he was more attracted to men than he originally thought. She asked if he looked at porn and I told her that he hadn't since months before we got engaged from what he told me. I did notice he began being more secretive while on his computer and I decided to check his history while he was away. It turns out he had lied to me about not having looked at porn in years.

I didn’t care if he looked at porn in the first place, its natural, but the fact that it took my place and he had lied about it broke me. For most of our marriage, there were so many times I cried myself to sleep after we would fight over intimacy issues, where he would go as far as to threatening to divorce me.  He told me the reason we haven't been intimate is because I am annoying and bratty. There have been times where a couple days after we would be intimate I would want him again and he would say "we were just intimate." As for the porn he was looking at, it was only gay porn. I noticed on the dates that when I would be out of town for a grad school trip or visiting family, he went immediately online to view gay porn, even on my birthday after turning me down saying he wasn't in the mood. Every single month of our marriage he told me he would be better about being intimate with me, but it never happened, even trying to plan it out didn’t work. I was hoping to at least find straight porn, because then at least I'd have a chance. Even the "bi" porn he searched for was men.

The gay porn went all the way back to 2012. He was looking at gay porn more a month then being intimate and romantic with me. He claimed that the gay porn was empty calories and I'm erasing his bisexuality.My self-esteem was shot, I began to feel unloved, not wanted, and perhaps that I wasn’t enough for him.Along with the porn, I found messages between him and other religious men who I thought were my friends who were hitting on him, and he let them. Even a message from during our engagement, he told another guy friend of ours that even though he was attracted to me and loved me, that he still wanted to be with guys “a lot.” These friends of mine don't know that I know that they were going behind my back flirting with my husband.I did confront him about everything I found and how I felt ( I wanted to throw up). He apologized saying that he was sorry and that he really is attracted to me physically, sexually, and emotionally, that he loved me and wanted a future with only me. He did share with me that there have been times when him and I are intimate that he wonders what it be like experiencing that with a guy. He says he does masturbate to the porn he watches and still yearns to experience intimacy with a man since he never got to. During this time, sex went from 2 times a month to once a month, and now we’ve only had sex twice in the last four months. I began wondering if he was a biromantic asexual, but even when were not intimate, he is looking at gay porn.

While my husbands actions show that he is mostly attracted to men, he claims that he is still attracted to me in all ways and that he is bisexual, but his actions are telling me other wise. I want to believe his words, but I don't know if I can. I told him that if he did come out gay that I'd support him 100 percent. I told my husband that it was more than just sex that I wanted in our relationship, that I wanted us to experience passion and intimacy with one another, but it doesn't happen naturally for him it seems like. He has mentioned that he sometimes randomly thinks about laying naked with a man and etc,. and I wish he'd think like that about me.  He also mentioned how he would give oral or a hand job to another man and vice versa.So, eventually we opened up our marriage to polyamory.

I was the first one to end up with a partner, who I have now been with for almost 4 months. My partner and I are sexually compatible and I’ve never experienced intimacy like I have been before. My partner will randomly grab me, dance with me in the kitchen, and then make out with me. Heck, while we were baking some banana bread for a date, the banana bread wasn't the only thing rising during that 45 minutes. I never knew that this high libido part of myself even existed. In two months, my partner and I have been intimate more than I have been intimate with my husband in an entire year. My confidence has increased and to have a man who desires me and admires my body has been incredibly empowering. I've never experienced passion and such intimacy from a man before.My husband broke down once my partner and I began having sex.

While I was staying over night at my partners in the very beginning, my husband walked over an hour across town to find my partners place to “bring me home.” Luckily I found him on the road and picked him up before he showed up to my partners house. That next week, I was over at a best friends place to visit her and work on my thesis, and my husband again walked over an hour to leave a surprise for me in the car... but I later learned he was just checking to make sure I was where I said I was. He told me he was acting like this because he is jealous. Even a month ago he walked to my partners house again in the cold (over an hour) to just get his coat he said.For the first time in 3 years, my husband will now randomly tell me he wants me but also for the first time I feel this aversion to having sex with him (making out is still awkward and he pulls away). He says its unfair and that if I loved him I would have sex with him. He even asked for a blow job for the first time in our entire marriage and I told him I didn’t feel comfortable because I didn’t know if he was being sincere (plus he told me once he felt gross). He flipped and went off again about how it wasn’t fair. I told him to be respectful of my boundaries and it was as if he didn’t understand consent. He still has not found a partner, telling me that he doesn't want to be poly anymore. Basically saying that we can only be poly if he also has a partner, even suggesting to find a guy we could share. I told him I didn't feel comfortable with that idea.

Why does my husband want me all of a sudden? Me being naked around him rarely ever turns him on. He didn't want me until I began being intimate with my partner. I don't get why he didn't do this 3 years ago. During this poly fiasco, he hasn't acted on his desires with men but goes on dates with them. Though he doesn't hesitate to send dick pics to numerous guys on OkCupid from his secret yahoo account. I've never gotten a dick picture from my own husband.

He told me to end my relationship with my partner and that once him and I have a healthy marriage again by working on intimacy, he will be open to exploring that part of himself that is mostly attracted to men (but I wouldn't be able to have a partner again since he says he only wants to be with a guy as a "friends with benefits thing").I don't want to end my relationship with my partner to be honest, I do have feelings for him. What if I ended things to make my spouse happy and my marriage goes back to how it once was? For three years I wanted my spouse to want me and nothing changed since he wasn't willing to try. I feel guilty since he claims to want me but I have now developed an aversion to him. I have such a healthy relationship with my partner and I don't want to give that up either.

I'm also hurt that the other day my husband told me that he knew before we got married that he was more interested in being sexual with men than women but didn't think it was a big deal, and therefore didn't think I needed to know, along with the porn. I've been reading blogs, books, going to counseling on how to support my husband and I honestly have no idea what to do. Any and all thoughts and advice are welcome. I feel lost in this situation and I'm questioning myself since I don't know whether to trust my husband or myself.

Last edited by AnotherFlowerPicked (March 4, 2019 8:52 pm)


March 5, 2019 4:30 pm  #2

Re: Bisexual Husband might actually be gay, Polyamory, and Confusion.

Hi - that was a good read - your description of the early days of your sex life reminded me a lot of mine.

So, I think the thing is - reread your post, it is well-written and tells a story.  I think you'll find answers to a lot of your questions about him in your post.  I just want to say leave the confusion with him - he's the one making it confusing.

And move on to the more important and exciting part - your future.  

Here you are - now you know the passion and intimacy you are capable of and have feelings developing for another man - meanwhile you are still married and your husband is being ... forget husband, what about being a good friend?  That is not jealousy born of passionate love, he is not jealous for wanting you, that is envy - he is jealous of what you have.  And his response is not to go and get the same for himself but to pull you back into his state of doing without.

So you need to evaluate how good a friend he is, how much you can trust him, does he have your back the way you need him to?

wishing you all the very best, Lily

Last edited by lily (March 5, 2019 4:32 pm)


March 5, 2019 6:03 pm  #3

Re: Bisexual Husband might actually be gay, Polyamory, and Confusion.

AnotherFlowerPicked wrote:

....... .

Sounds like another case of wanting his cake....eating it too.....

As Lily said.....it's his confusion, don't allow it to become yours. If you do it will become all about him

"If the mountain seems too big today
then climb a hill instead....."

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