OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum » Fiance just came out, we are struggling, what do we do?

misfitming · February 24, 2019 7:54 pm

Hello. My fiance and I have been together for 6 years (engaged for nearly 2). I've written in this box 3 times now because I don't know where to begin. I don't know whether I should give you the long-winded story of how this all began or just a summary. It's kind of frustrating if I'm honest.

He recently told me that he believes he is bisexual. When he told me, I immediately said "That's okay." you know? I still love him and I accept that about him. But, I can't drop it. My emotions are running all over the place and I don't know what to do.
Before he and I got together, I was in a mentally and emotionally abusive relationship with a closet gay or bisexual man. This wasn't an assumption, he was cheating on me with men, and a lot of his clients for fetishes were male. That man had me completely rewired for years. I didn't communicate with friends, or family. He sexed me like I was a man. Never touched me like I was a woman, ever. And sex usually involved me lying on my stomach. I became suicidal and often self-harmed myself. He always told me I had nowhere else to go and that no one would ever love me for more than anything other than the use of sex. If a female co-worker gave me a ride home and I didn't text him or call him immediately after, he would verbally abuse me. If I didn't specify my whereabouts 24/7, verbal abuse. The list goes on.
When someone close finally convinced me to leave this man, I met my fiance 3 days later. In about a month we were in an open relationship. It took me 4 months to be okay with making it a relationship. But I still had a lot of things to get over from the previous relationship, and I laid everything out on the table. He understood and accepted that about me. There were times when I would start crying because I thought I was going to get yelled at, but he said: "I won't ask you to do anything you don't want to do."

I know that he is not my ex. But it's been a few weeks since he opened up to me about being bisexual and I'm having flashbacks. I'm having fears that I know are irrational but I have them anyway. He wants to be able to sleep with the same sex but I don't know if I can handle that. Apart of me feels like it's my fault for introducing pegging into our sex life, but I know that is also irrational. I feel like, I am not enough. Like I'm inadequate. He says that's far from the case and tells me all the things he loves about me and making love to me, but it doesn't stop me from feeling that way and I don't understand why. I'm really confused and I feel betrayed, but at the same time I understand, and want to show more support, but again, I'm all over the place.

The other issue is, HE IS STRUGGLING with this as well. This is something he's struggled with for a long time. So actually voicing it has been really hard on him. He says that he hates himself for wanting what he wants because he doesn't want to hurt me and that if he didn't want the things he does, we wouldn't be going through what we're going through right now. He sometimes punches himself, or wakes up at any given hour of the night and starts crying. Every day now we are having the "Worried about the future" conversation and it's not helping with giving ME space and time to adjust. If anything it's making me panic because who wants to watch someone they love suffer like that? But at the same time, my walls are up.

I keep telling him that he HAS to accept himself for who he is. It's nothing to be ashamed of. It's just a lot for me to process and I really need more time than just a few weeks to collect myself.

He doesn't want to go to a therapist. We wouldn't have the money for it anyway. (That's partially why we aren't married yet. Trying to save so that we can actually have a wedding) I did email our local LGBT community to see if they had any programs for us to go to together. They emailed back saying they'd search around but yet to hear anything since.

I've been reading all kinds of articles and testimonies. Nothing really gives me an answer. I know logically I shouldn't expect it to. So, if anyone could answer these questions below, or offer any advice or resources, I would greatly appreciate it.

- What are some boundaries that we should discuss setting?
- What specifically should we discuss when we talk about this?
- Is there a way or source/help, that can help me get passed what I went through in the past so that I'm not associating him with my ex?
- How can I help him accept himself, or is there a program for him?
- What are some good questions we should ask each other?
- Is it possible for him to get what he needs from the same sex without giving oral? (I ask because when we were open relationship I had this rule for other women)

I had more questions but I can't think of them at the moment. Thank you for taking the time to listen.
Also I apologize if anything I said offended anyone. Please let me know and I will fix it.

Thank you.

Last edited by misfitming (February 24, 2019 7:55 pm)

vicky · February 25, 2019 3:00 pm

Welcome Misfitming
Wow you have a lot going on there. I don't think anyone on any forum can give you answer necessarily it's more like we can talk it out with you and you can figure out the path you will take. I'll see what I can do to help you with your questions.
Boundaries: I think it's too soon for that. It sounds like you're still reeling it's only fair for you to have some more time to process. If you're trying to figure out a scenario for the future I think there needs to be a clause that none of these things are set in stone and you reserve the right to reevaluate your boundaries in the future. Only the 2 of you can figure out the boundaries but some suggestions are, safe sex rules, anonymous partners vs a steady trustworthy regular partner. I've heard of others saying no kissing, no penetrative sex.
I would discuss whether you're side gets to be open too. How much time is going to be devoted to extra curriculars, and that if your together than it's your time, no chatting/email/texting others for sex. I would probably set a date you could 'check in' with each other so there's maybe a once a month time where you can expect to make time to discuss how this is working for you both.
I don't know about the third one sorry
He could join a forum, there's one on yahoo groups called HOW (husbands out to wives) I'm female so I can't say how active it is but he could also try Reddit, there's a bisexual thread there, and there is also a forum you both might like called BBGL forum (boy boy girl love forum)
I don't know what questions you can ask each other I'm sure once you get chatting lots of stuff will come up.
Only he can say what fulfills his needs, I hate to call them needs it makes it sound like it's something he can't live without.
Good luck
Vicky

misfitming · February 25, 2019 3:17 pm

Thank you so much for your reply!

I really like these answers and I am going to talking to him about this tonight and see what we can come up with!

Thank you so, so much!

Ellexoh_nz · February 25, 2019 3:56 pm

Boundaries.....Misfit...I believe once one feels there are boundaries that need to be set in a r'ship there will, in our situations, always be doubt about the integrity of our partners.
When you're in a r'ship with somebody who has same-sex attraction they tend not to see things...such as the need for honesty and openness...the same as us.

Talking together....when you talk about what is happening with you both it will be a discussion pertinent to only you two so unless you see a couples counselor it's difficult for me to know what to suggest. For myself...the subject comes up randomly...my partner never starts a conversation about this. His eyes roll as if to say "here we go again"

Helping him accept himself......This is not your job, it's his. The more you try to help..the more you'll become the person he hides behind. That will become a burden

Good questions to ask each other....these will come naturally in time, but it will probably be you asking them, him not so much

Is it possible for him to get what he needs from the same sex without giving oral? When you've been in an open r'ship all the rules and boundaries you make go out the window. Sex (same-sex attraction) is a need/desire/fantasy that can cause someone to *be economical with the truth*

I know you love him and want the best for him, but as you focus on his life, his needs, his progress.....you may end up giving away your right to have a say in how you ultimately want to live

Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (February 25, 2019 4:58 pm)

lily · February 25, 2019 8:41 pm

He sounds like a nicer person than the last boyfriend but it's no wonder you've been struggling to heal when you are back in a relationship with a man who also has homosexual tendencies. It must be sending your gut instincts up the wall! alarm, snooze. Alarm - he's the same as the last one comes whispering up, no he's not he's much nicer, hits the snooze button.

Huge difference between gay/bisexual and straight.

Even if he is nicer to you the difference remains, and it's good he's confessed to it now.

I'm sorry, I do wonder why he didn't confess or at least back away from the relationship when you laid it out on the table - didn't he care about you enough to tell you then, why wait til now when it seems to be more about his happiness than yours.

you can set as many boundaries as you like but really, if you love him you will bend over backwards to keep him happy so you need him to be doing the same for you.

Last edited by lily (February 25, 2019 8:44 pm)

misfitming · February 25, 2019 9:14 pm

Ellexoh_nz wrote:
Boundaries.....Misfit...I believe once one feels there are boundaries that need to be set in a r'ship there will, in our situations, always be doubt about the integrity of our partners.
When you're in a r'ship with somebody who has same-sex attraction they tend not to see things...such as the need for honesty and openness...the same as us.

Talking together....when you talk about what is happening with you both it will be a discussion pertinent to only you two so unless you see a couples counselor it's difficult for me to know what to suggest. For myself...the subject comes up randomly...my partner never starts a conversation about this. His eyes roll as if to say "here we go again"

Helping him accept himself......This is not your job, it's his. The more you try to help..the more you'll become the person he hides behind. That will become a burden

Good questions to ask each other....these will come naturally in time, but it will probably be you asking them, him not so much

Is it possible for him to get what he needs from the same sex without giving oral? When you've been in an open r'ship all the rules and boundaries you make go out the window. Sex (same-sex attraction) is a need/desire/fantasy that can cause someone to *be economical with the truth*

I know you love him and want the best for him, but as you focus on his life, his needs, his progress.....you may end up giving away your right to have a say in how you ultimately want to live

Thank you for your reply. (Lily thank you as well)

He and I just had a discussion. It went a lot better than I thought it would, but I'm guessing only time will tell how well it actually went. I asked him to write down everything he wants sexually and relationship wise with me and other people, and I honestly just wanted a list of things. Instead, he wrote this two paged love letter about what he wants for short term things, and what he wants for long term. Short term he wants to test each others boundaries, exploration, and excitement. Long term he wants comfort, shared closeness, and intimacy. He said he has the long term with me and he wants to get married and still wants to have a child with me in the distant future (we were discussing this before) He didn't really specify what he wanted from the other relationships so I took the lead on that for him and asked him to specify some things.

We got the list of things that he wanted and I went through it and told him the things I was comfortable with trying out for ourselves together. Then as far as other people, I laid down my conditions. He had mentioned he wanted to be friends with the other person but I made it clear that I would leave if that becomes a thing. I don't want to get married and then he's sleeping with a friend and they start catching feelings. He agreed and understood when I explained it. I said I will meet these people in person, no texting or phone calls other than to set up dates, and I said that they could hook maybe 3 times every other month to make time for STD tests.

His response to the 3 times every other month actually shocked me. He said he doesn't want to see someone that often. Once a month would be fine and he'll get tested regularly. He described it as just scratching his itch. So I agreed with that and every other condition I came up with he was 100% on board.

I think this actually helped a lot. The tension has gone down and we even cuddled for a while after.

I'm really thankful that I found you all. Otherwise I don't think we would have made this step.

Duped · February 26, 2019 3:13 am

Misfit, I guess you need to take your path through this but the alternative is you could start again with a straight man who only wants you. Or even on your own without all this mind bending and soul twisting stuff. Please make no mistake that accommodating things you truly aren’t comfortable with will take it’s toll on your self-esteem and mental health.

Above all else you need to practice safe sex ALL the time. Regular testing won’t stop you catching something in between his tests.

I know you feel you have hit a decent place, but make sure you put your needs and feelings first. He doesn’t want a monogamous relationship with you (but does want to keep you around for when he’s older and needs someone to look after him), that is huge.

Leah · February 26, 2019 12:29 pm

What is YOUR list? It sounds like you are the one deciding ONLY what you will tolerate, NOT what you actually want. NO ONE can tell you what is right for you. You are an adult and YOU get to decide...Do you really want an open relationship with him 'hooking up' every other month and having the worry of STDs. There are lots of people you could be with that you would NEVER have that worry with. What does that mean for any children you might have and their safety and the stability of your home if strangers are allowed?

Really think about how you want your life to be, Mis! You get to choose. One life - as a friend said to me once "There's plenty of men out there!" You don't need a man that is undecided or in putting you through this PTSD stuff. He loves you, BUT he wants exploration and excitement with others... Do you want that? You are opening the door to one of his relationships to become 'a thing'...
Be careful and really being on your own is not such a bad thing.... when the alternative is getting messed about possibly for the rest of your life. Please think hard Mis. You aren't married. You don't have kids. You can rebuild a life still. Don't compromise on basic things like your mental and sexual health. You deserve someone who really wants to be with YOU!

Scratching the itch? We all have sexual itches, but that doesn't mean we act on them when we are in a relationship, intimacy is based on trust and trust is often based on fidelity and security. Not random allowances that he may want to change going forward. Whatever you decide to allow now, maybe not enough and then what do YOU do? He is someone who it sounds like is very confused and struggling, you can only rescue yourself here. You met him 3 days out of an abusive relationship. Think about what you want. And really look at your needs here, first. You won't find the answer on the internet. You will find it inside yourself. It will feel good and calm and you will know its the best thing for you. Maybe not for him, and that is OK. Be safe and be strong. You've got this.

Last edited by Leah (February 26, 2019 12:35 pm)

walkbymyself · February 26, 2019 1:02 pm

misfit: If you were completely single and unattached right now, fantasizing about your perfect ideal marriage, is this what you would come up with? Have you always dreamed about having an open relationship?

Many of us start out with our idealized wish list for our perfect husband, and later in life learn we have to settle. But something pings my radar if a man delays giving you freedom of choice until AFTER you've become so far committed to the relationship that you'll have trouble extracting yourself.

People change and grow. You met this man very shortly after you had finally extracted yourself from a disasterously abusive relationship. If I'd been in your place, I would not have been willing to plunge right into another exclusive relationship -- in fact, that's pretty much where I am right now, except I'm avoiding any relationships until I recover from this one. Anyhow, I'm just saying, it's understandable that you didn't want to find yourself under the whip of another master just at that moment, and an open relationship might have been just what the doctor ordered.

But just because you were able to accept an open relationship six years ago, given your state of mind at the time, it doesn't mean this is what you want today. I only point this out because so much of your post revolves around what you think you could tolerate. It's not what you think brings you happiness.

You have a lot of insights in your post, You say he's struggling with this. He may still be growing and changing, and even if he believes he's in a position to enter into a commitment like marriage and assume the responsibilities of parenthood, believing doesn't make it so. You can skim many of the posts made by those of us with kids, to get a bit of understanding about how much harder things get when there are innocent lives in the mix.

lily · February 26, 2019 5:42 pm

oh goodness - longterm he wants closeness and intimacy with you - how on earth is that possibly going to happen when he wants exploration and excitement with others in the short term. It all sounds so unrealistic, it's like he's saying 'let me get my rocks off with men now but stick around so you can look after me when I am old'.

so sorry. this is not affection let alone true love that you are getting from him. You need some real affection, honest to god a pet will stand up for you a lot better than him.

wishing you all the best, Lily

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February 24, 2019 7:54 pm #1

Fiance just came out, we are struggling, what do we do?

February 25, 2019 3:00 pm #2

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February 25, 2019 3:17 pm #3

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February 25, 2019 3:56 pm #4

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February 25, 2019 8:41 pm #5

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February 25, 2019 9:14 pm #6

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Ellexoh_nz wrote:

February 26, 2019 3:13 am #7

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February 26, 2019 12:29 pm #8

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February 26, 2019 1:02 pm #9

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February 26, 2019 5:42 pm #10

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