Olebeecharmer, 

Here is what I had to remind myself over the past year or so (much more so over the past few months. I married a man I thought not only invested in our marriage, but also intelligent, resourceful, and emotionally aware and sensitive.  Fact is, the only part that really fell apart was the bit about being emotionally invested in our marriage once he realized he was trans. 

Nothing else changed, even though I felt like it had.  I know that sounds like spitting in bucket in terms of big, meaningful changes, but he/she remained a resourceful, intelligent person. He had emotionally withdrawn and left many financial and legal things to me, but that was laziness and preoccupation, not inability.   I think in some ways this made it seem to me (and him) that he was more dependent on me than he actually was.  He could, in fact, cook well, do laundry, go to work, go shopping, and pay bills, he just left much of that to me.  He wasn't nearly as inept as the number of tasks I did as a rule indicated.  

Like you, I want him (I use "him" because that is how I knew my spouse) to be happy.  I want him to live a good life.  I've finally realized, though, that our paths have diverged because of his needs.  Am I 100% certain it will all work out?  No.  Do I think he has a very difficult and likely painful path ahead?  Yes.  I don't envy him by any means.  I'm not even sure he took the easy way out.

I sometimes desperately miss the man I married but I've come to realize that person isn't there or an option anymore. During the course of our separation I've very willingly offered several agreements, mostly financial, that friends and even my lawyer have told me are above and beyond.  I did this because I didn't wish him undue failure.  

I do still very much love the man he was and it's a process to realize fully that that man is gone.  

Where I'm going with this is to say that at some point you have to recognize when/if he has opted to exit your relationship.  At that point, you need to place at least equal importance on taking care of and providing for yourself.  If things do end, you need to have finances and logistics in order. 

In retrospect, things had been spiralling downhill and out for over a year, but during that time I hung on for all I was worth.   I read books on how to be a good and accepting wife, I practiced mindfulness to accept what was, I practiced gratitude our relationship, but none of it was enough to stop his movement away.  In some regards I was in good legal and financial shape when we eventually split up, but in other regards I wish I'd done more. 

Remember, you likely married a man you thought comepant, resourceful, and smart.  He may not have acted that way at all recently, but he has not lost those abilities.  

He might not find the life he wants, he might not become the person he wants to be, the world might simply not allow him his dreams, but for how many of us has it?  He will find ways to cope and learn and strive.  If he doesn't, that's not your problem.  

It's really, really hard to stop being willing to intervene and help when it's the person you loved getting themselves into dire straits.  It's just also so important to realize when you stop being to them what they are to you. 

Take care of yourself and trust that he will find his way.  

Thank you both for your kind words and advice. I can't express how important it is for me to hear them.

Calamity, you are so right that he is still capable and intelligent. We had our first logistics talk tonight and I was amazed that he had already begun to think about a lot of things that he would normally have avoided. I asked him if he could at least come out to our friends so I wouldn't have to make up some vague nonsense about why we are splitting up. To my surprise he said yes. That tells me that this is truly what he wants and needs and I think, I hope he will okay.

I am not quite sure how to take care of myself right now. I have spent so long in anticipation of this moment and now that its here I can't even figure out how to feel.

I will be looking for a therapist and keeping my friends close for sure.

Olebee, 

I'm so glad to hear he was willing to tell friends why your are splitting up.  This is huge and helpful and takes a burden off you.  It's also public, so that comes with its own challenges and sense of finality.  

As ways diverge you may not know what to think, how to feel, or how to cope. This is an enormous and difficult change; it's not the future you imagined or planned for.  While this is going on you can wish him the best, you can be cordial adults about splitting up, but you do also need your own therapist and your own sources of support.  It's rough but you will get through it. 

After my ex left I actually packed up all of his stuff in boxes. (I had been feeling ill every time he came "just to pick up some stuff" and resolved to put a stop to it.)   I found the boxing up remarkably cathartic.  I even labeled the boxes and took photos of each label (in case it ever became a legal issue).  I found a moving company that would happily move his stuff to his new apartment and distinctly gathered from the very nice lady who managed the company that this was far from the first time they had handled such a situation. 

I'm a nurse, I work with patients in far worse shape than me every day and my own personal stuff can't ever enter into things, so I really had to compartmentalize.  I just couldn't go in to work and collapse or be anything other than my best.  I don't think compartmentalizing is bad, I do think holding it together at work is good (my boss did offer me time off when I told her, but I felt like being at work was better than sitting at home and trying to cope, so long as I was able to do so).  That doesn't mean ignoring is a good idea, you do have to deal with it, it will be challenging, and you need and deserve all the support you can get.  So hold together what you can and schedule those break downs!