Hello InDenial
Grindr is an app that you download onto your mobile phone.  There are many gay hook up apps you can download to your phone.  My GIDX used Craigslist to find his gay hookups.

Last edited by IgnoranceWasBliss (February 8, 2019 12:54 am)

Hopeless,
First, I am so sorry for the loss of your baby. I went through many miscarriages in our marriage and I know how heartbreaking it is. 

I debated on how "firm" to be in my message. I don't want to come off as harsh or sound like I'm not validating the good things you mentioned in your marriage. Your story strikes me so hard because it mirrors my own. I've been with my STBX for over 20 years now, married 18 next month...so to tell our whole story would be far too long for this setting, but I went through years and years of finds of gay porn, gay chats, pics of naked men, naked pics of him...apologies, excuses...repeat and repeat again...for YEARS. When he would get caught it would be one of two things. He would either be extremely affectionate, loving, attentive, and say all the right things or he would get angry and accuse me of being paranoid, crazy, delusional, etc. His response depended on how serious he took my questioning. Meaning, did he think I might leave or were we in a place he knew he could get away with it. He always firmly denied being gay. Firmly denied being even sexually attracted to men. His excuse was consistently that he gets off on seeing guys get off on him. He said it was like a game to him, but he wasn't sexually attracted to the guy himself. He stood by this reasoning, and quite convincingly, for many years. (he has finally, after 20 years together admitted to being bisexual, but still will not admit to being gay, which I firmly believe) He really, truly had an excuse for everything. I told myself that if all he was doing was looking at pictures of gay men or watching gay porn, then I could deal with that, as long as he didn't act on anything. Please hear me. That is NOT okay. It pains me to read everything he's told you...all the excuses...and reading you so desperately wanting to believe him. That is clear. But his excuses are lies. A straight man does not get off on looking at pictures of another man's penis. It does NOT happen. Maybe he would stick to pictures and chat rooms and never meet someone in person. Mine did eventually make that jump and start meeting people for hook ups...as well as one "friend" (that was also married) that he had an affair with for several years, but I understand that doesn't mean your husband will do the same. Even if "all he does" is look at pictures, YOU DESERVE BETTER. You are worth so much more than that. There is nothing stronger than a woman's intuition. Listen to that little voice in your head.

You have the mortgage and other financial things to think of...I get it. My huge concern is not only will you have that to consider when making that decision on your future, but if you do have a child together, that adds a whole other obstacle to the equation. I hate to call a child an obstacle. That sounds awful, but if not for our children, I would have left LONG ago. Children change the game plan for sure. For the past six years I stayed with him for the kids. I had planned on staying with him at the very least until they were grown and gone, but now that they're teens, I realize that they are looking to us for guidance. As an example. We are not happy. As much as I think we fake it, they know. I came to realize my happiness does matter and the kids need to see that as well. I think of my daughter marrying someday and the thought of her thinking it's okay to go through the motions like this, putting on a big, fake smile when we walk out the door...I just couldn't do it anymore. 

You deserve to be happy. You deserve to not have that sick feeling in your gut every time he is staring at his phone or every time he's home late from work. He has betrayed your trust over and over again. He might be great at making up for his wrongs, but those feelings and urges he has will not go away. Ever. They don't go away. His apology does not undo the deed, he will do it again.

This rambling comes from a place of concern and care. I understand. And I apologize if you get angry at any of this, because I was once in your very place and as much as I wanted to know...I don't know that I truly did. I wanted affirmation, not validation.

I'm new to this board, but have been active on another. It has been an absolute life saver for me. I don't know that I would have ever made the decision to leave without the support of our fellow straight wives. Please PM me if you would like info. I wish the best for you. <3