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1 - bentwanderer
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From We to Me at 73
All of our stories are painful and complex and I consider mine to be as well. I share parts of mine now as I'm hoping some of you have lived through some of my particular complexities and can share your experience, strength and hope.
By the numbers: I'm 73 my husband is 72, not the typical time in life to be facing these kinds of issues, especially not as our 50th anniversary would be approaching this year.
Summer 2017 our middle-age daughter found a naked picture of him on his phone which he had posted on craigslist on a hookup site. The family's world was rocked, especially mine. As soon as I had medical clearance from my docs I left my chosen retirement city where I could be warm 12 months a year and headed for the Pacific Northwest (PNW) where I expected to be wet and cold for the rest of my life. That relocation was a disaster which nearly destroyed me. I found myself back in his house. Not good.
Where does that leave me? In my early-mid 70's my choices are way different than they would have been in my earlier decades. I'm retired; I'm on a fixed income; I haven't driven for 6 years because of seizures; I commute 100% by bike and ride many, many more miles each year than most people drive their car. I am at an age where my robust years of health are expected to be way fewer than were when I a decade or more younger.
He recently moved into an apartment and I continue to live in the house he owns. By the time his apartment lease is up I will have landed in of my own place. I don't plan to change the legal status of our marriage and I doubt he will want to change it either. At my age there is nothing to be gained by doing so and his m.o. is to maintain the appearance of a perfect, untroubled marriage. He has told no one in his circles nor his very elderly mother of our separating twice in one year.
I know I have bounced around a gazillion times in my thinking about what I want in my relationship with him (or anyone for that matter) and feelings about what has happened to me and our family. I have have been working with an amazing therapist for about a year who has helped me immensly as I work to find answers to those questions. So often I have found myself jumping to solutions about "what next for me" rather than clearly identifying the problem.
I have used the Design 4 Delight (D4D) model of problem solving in my pre-retirement professional life and decided to see if it can work for me with this problem that has rocked my whole being. D4D needs a clear problem statement before brainstorming and exploring solutions. This is what I've come up with.
I am a healthy, 73 year old, single woman living alone without a car. I am trying to live the rest of my life with both autonomy and connection to friends, loved ones and the activities I enjoy. But, I don’t have long-distance/poor-weather transportation nor regular/reliable personal assistance that can adjust as I age.
I welcome your thoughts.
Last edited by bentwanderer (February 24, 2019 10:54 am)
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: From We to Me at 73
bentwanderer wrote:
.....I am a healthy, 73 year old, single woman living alone without a car. I am trying to live the rest of my life with both autonomy and connection to friends, loved ones and the activities I enjoy. But, I don’t have long-distance/poor-weather transportation nor regular/reliable personal assistance that can adjust as I age.
I'm looking forward to your experience, strength and hope you might be willing to share with me.
Yay for being healthy! and welcome to the Forum 
Would you move to a place where you had more options....more support?
This part of your post struck a nerve/memory in me "....he was annoyed, dispassionate and distanced himself...."
These were the confusing first signals that something wasn't right in my r'ship
Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (February 21, 2019 7:29 pm)
KIA KAHA
- walkbymyself
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Re: From We to Me at 73
Hi bentwanderer, I confess I'm kind of impressed with you, especially since you've given up driving and instead have a bike. I don't have advice -- but I will point out this much: whatever the UMC has to say about gay clergy, the fact remains that your husband is retired and 72 years old. Personally, I wouldn't lose sleep worrying about his damage to his professional reputation, or worrying about what his family back in South GA might think.
I have no advice, but I'm kind of in a similar situation, at the moment age 62 but I'm trying to figure out a living situation for myself that will last me the rest of my life. I want to be where I don't have to drive, and where I know there are people I would meet who share my interests. Right now, it looks like that place is New York City, where I lived before I was married. I'm just hoping I can re-connect with old friends, and build new friendships as well, so I won't be lonely.
Relinquere fraudator, vitam lucrari.
- Lynne
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Re: From We to Me at 73
Delete post.
Last edited by Lynne (April 25, 2020 11:26 am)
- bentwanderer
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Re: From We to Me at 73
Estella, Thank you for your thoughtful question. Gratefully I am in a place of great support, Tucson, AZ. We lived in Chicago for 42 years where practiced our careers and raised our 3 children. We retired to Tucson 7 years ago. I have built an amazing group of friends in the cycling community. 6-8 who pretty much know all or most all TGT deal and another 30-50 I ride with regularly. Seeking out a geographically different place in the State or Country is not necessary. But, finding the optimal living situation is a high priority meaning a place that is cost effective and allows me to live as autonomously as possible for as long as I can.
- •
Thread Starter- bentwanderer
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Re: From We to Me at 73
Thank you, Lynne. I have not yet researched any of the several options that are open to me. That is next on my agenda. Yes, the over 55-type communities is on my list.
- •
Thread Starter- lily
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Re: From We to Me at 73
Hi Bent,
there's a couple of things I want to say - firstly kudos for taking such a strong forward looking step in your life at an age when it is tougher I bet. My mum got divorced in her 80s and I am so proud of her for doing it. I don't really know how it works but it helped me find my way out of my marriage.
and then I just wanted to add that my view of my ex is that he is like a hermit crab - he does life in the closet and saying he's gay is like tearing his house down, you're not going to get the good reaction you might anticipate if you are thinking he wants the same openness intimacy and honesty that you want. He doesn't, he wants his closet.
I have to admit I feel a lot of compassion for the situation a gay child is born into. It is so often with a parent who is in the closet. Personally I believe the shame they talk about feeling might not be about being gay but from the hidden pain of the straight spouse that is not being addressed.
And here you are addressing it with enormous courage and strength. it's a hell of a rollercoaster and we care about it all - personally I have been brave and I have a pillow that's like a teddybear I can hug and cry about everything with, and feel comforted.
it's a way away now but you will end up feeling settled again. wishing you the best of luck. Lily
and you too, Estella, hope it has all gone well. xox
Last edited by lily (February 22, 2019 11:43 pm)
- Abby
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Re: From We to Me at 73
I want to commend you on your straightforward (pun fully intended) approach to life and to offer two practical suggestions:
1) Ask the administrators of this site to delete parts of your posts which could identify you. I tried to find a way to contact you and the administrators privately when you first shared your story but could not figure out how to do so;
2) Even though you do not plan to divorce I recommend that you consult an attorney for estate-planning advice as you make your plans. My husband was the one who wanted the divorce and at the time I assumed that if I found someone special I would remarry. What brought me up sharply was the reality that in the U.S. if one spouse needs nursing home care and family finances are such that Medicaid funds are needed the so-called community spouse can be left with very limited funds to live on. With Medicare each spouse has his/her own coverage so health insurance no longer needs to be a reason to remain married. Social Security law gives benefit rights to ex-spouses married at least 10 years and you've certainly met that. A lawyer can discuss other ways of addressing this Medicaid risk but if you are going to live separate lives anyway this could be the cheapest and best way.
Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
- Abby
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Re: From We to Me at 73
P.S. If you apply for rent-subsidized senior housing or other income-based benefits not having his income considered will be important. Good luck!
Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
- phoenix
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Re: From We to Me at 73
I want to commend you on your straightforward (pun fully intended) approach to life and to offer two practical suggestions:
1) Ask the administrators of this site to delete parts of your posts which could identify you. I tried to find a way to contact you and the administrators privately when you first shared your story but could not figure out how to do so;
2) Even though you do not plan to divorce I recommend that you consult an attorney for estate-planning advice as you make your plans. My husband was the one who wanted the divorce and at the time I assumed that if I found someone special I would remarry. What brought me up sharply was the reality that in the U.S. if one spouse needs nursing home care and family finances are such that Medicaid funds are needed the so-called community spouse can be left with very limited funds to live on. With Medicare each spouse has his/her own coverage so health insurance no longer needs to be a reason to remain married. Social Security law gives benefit rights to ex-spouses married at least 10 years and you've certainly met that. A lawyer can discuss other ways of addressing this Medicaid risk but if you are going to live separate lives anyway this could be the cheapest and best way.
I would be happy to edit or adjust any personal information. Just let me know
-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular.