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1 of 1- Sue
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Gaslighting
I need to shout from the rooftops and this is as close as it gets. My not-nearly-soon-enough-gay-ex (yes you read that right and no I did not know -- for 20 effing years) husband is currently gaslighting me like there is no tomorrow.
We are in counseling to learn how to communicate more effectively, plus make parenting decisions regarding our kids.
He is completely able to look at me with utter hatred. If I cry (which I do) I am accused of "emotionally hijacking every session."
Personally, I find it hard not to cry when I've lost someone I loved and trusted, my life as a SAHM, and will lose my house and car.
I am continually told that his sexuality has nothing to do with the break up of our marriage. He is bi, not gay (bullshit), and could have just as easily left me for a woman, he just happens to have fallen for a guy. Six weeks after leaving me. He just had to do anything to get away from me. My emotions and inability to regulate them, my crappy job as mother to our three children, the fact that everything was about me -- these are the reasons he left. Not because I don't have a penis and when his father died last summer he finally could come out.
I met him when I was 20. I had low self-esteem due to my dad abandoning me and my otherwise also shitty childhood. We married at 22. For the next 18 years he was kind, loving, a good father, my best friend, although more emotionally distant than I would have liked. I thought we would be married forever. Never once and I mean not.once. did he mention any changes he wanted me to make or suggest counseling.
His leaving was like a tsunami and I am surviving day by day. Last week I went back to work for the first time in 5 years and full time for the first time in a decade.
Because I trusted him above all others, when he tells me how awful and fucked up and crazy I am it is so hard not to believe it. I have struggled with anxiety -- my Achilles heel -- since my teen years and he even went for that one. My core issue has been learning that anxiety doesn't define me -- I function quite well, have multiple degrees, raised three children, and have successfully held down jobs. I've chaired a board or two. Now he tells me my anxiety was hell for him to deal with after years of telling me it didn't bother him at all.
Everything is my fault. I feel too much because I'm not stable. My grief is inappropriate. The list goes on.
In strong moments I know he is full of shit. I know that if he looks square in the mirror and takes responsibility for destroying his closest friend, traumatizing his children, and tearing our family to shreds, his fucking head will explode from guilt. He's too weak to take responsibility. He can't even fully come out. And he needed a new partner right away.
It's so much easier to paint some surrealist picture in which his wife is off her rocker so isn't it a good thing that he got his kids away from her (half time is better than nothing) and hooked up with someone more stable.
And still I will have crushing moments in which I believe every word he says.
I so don't want to believe.
Thanks for hearing me.
"You want a man who messes up your lipstick, not your mascara."
- CES
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Re: Gaslighting
This is my first comment/post, but reading your post just fired me up. My current wife gaslit me to the hilt for 4 years, it was me being insecure, over-bearing, untrusting...only to find out that not only does she now feel like she is "more gay than straight", but that she has been addicted to cocaine for the past 9 months...doing it almost daily with the woman she's in love with.
Stay strong, find sane people to talk to. I don't have anyone I feel like I can share this stuff with, so the insecurity is still strong in me and I feel like I am vulnerable to believe her gaslighting. Whatever your personal problems may be, it's not your fault he cheated.
- Dixie
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Re: Gaslighting
Sue, your STBX sounds like a real asshole ... regardless of whatever sexual orientation he might be. Thus I wonder whether going to counseling with him is really helping to improve communication or work out parenting decisions. From what you describe, it very much sounds like further abuse. I personally would stop agreeing to go and would state very clearly why. "I have decided that attending joint counseling sessions with you is not improving our communications. You may communicate with me regarding x,y,z via email.". No need to pay for the honor of being further victimized. Endless discussions with someone intent on hurting and blaming you for his own shitty actions should just stop. Focused emails on how child arrangements will be handled seems better. Anything he sends that is off topic should be ignored and not dignified with any response. Vent here or on chumplady.com, but do NOT interact with him unless absolutely essential. Sorry you are going through hell ... the only way out is to just keep going.
- Sue
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Re: Gaslighting
Thanks, this is court ordered, so I have no choice.
"You want a man who messes up your lipstick, not your mascara."
- •
Thread Starter- Dixie
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Re: Gaslighting
Okay, court ordered it is. In that case, I would only engage on the topics essential to purpose of the counseling. Easier said than done, but if the counselor won't keep the discussion properly directed, then you might need to enquire why certain things are being discussed. I wish you good luck with it and I am really sorry, because it sounds dreadful. Hugs.
- Rob
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Re: Gaslighting
Omg ..just omg. The courts are souless and heartless ordering parents together even for the sake of the children. Some of us that are abused should not be put in a room with our abusers.
Probably the lowest point in my life was when I sat in the court ordered parenting negotiation where she lied through her teeth and said I am incapable of taking care of our kids medical condition. Just complete lies told to a stranger. I cried. I was with her taking care of him and my other kid through thick and thin. Gaslighting..it was just horrible lies..our years together counted as nothing.
Then, wait for it, they weren't done with me. She, and the negotiator concurring, said I deserved to see the kids only every other weekend. That it was highly unusual that a man would want to see his kids. I bawled, I shook. She looked at me with complete hatred and tried to make like I was crazy. She wanted to take the kids away..anything to hurt me
(And there we see satan on earth).
I then, per my lawyer and families advice, said NO. I told them the arrangement I wanted..said they could write up whatever they wanted but I would not agree..just NO.
If you have to go back just tell them the arrangement you want with the kids and keep it business like. If you don't agree with any arrangement say so and walk out if you want to. Nothing is legally binding unless you put it in the settlement and it's agreed to. Tell them the court talks broke down and let the lawyers negotiate it. This is one area where I would sell my soul to pay my lawyer to get me what is moral and right.
A sincere e-hug.
Last edited by Rob (September 6, 2016 6:53 am)
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- WendiT
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Re: Gaslighting
Sounds like your X is a bona fide Narcissist. Read as much information you can about divorcing a spouse with NPD. They are masters at manipulating the Legal System and unsuspecting Therapists. Thankfully my Court Ordered Therapist recognized that my X was an N and we did all of our sessions separately. But I did have to go through arbitration sessions one to one and that was really hard to do. I used all the information I had learned about Narcissists to get through those meetings.
"No matter how hard the journey may be, remember to be kind to yourself..."
- John
- Unregistered
Re: Gaslighting
Sue-
My heart goes out to your being so brutalized by the court system, however well intentioned. You’re just being thrown into repeat rounds in the arena with a lying narc. Joint therapy might work for some, but you’re correctly paying more attention to what you know in your gut over listening to this ‘professional.‘
Gay vampire cheaters clinging like limpets to their Str8 spouse’s soul enjoy conning gullible, do-gooder therapists. Str8, sane people want communication and harmony. In contrast, GIDs want to win and keep their closet intact without psychs, family, kids or you discovering their full deceit. They want their CAKE back.
A more convincing liar than I was telling truth, mine successfully gas lighted five (5) marriage counselors, so fixated on helping people that they ignored what I told them and they’d been taught. Closing words to me from the one counselor who really got her was, “You’re dealing with Satanism and it will last as long as you let it.”
Maybe consider:
[list=1]
[*]Scheduling private sessions with another psych to help you recover from court counseling and prepare for its next round?
[*]Sharing these materials below with your Court ordered counselor?
[/list]
2.a. Why NOT to do therapy with your GID spouse: and
2.b. A therapists prayer about narcissists:
2.c. “The Sociopath Next Door” book by Stout to explain who you’ve been gamed by and spaths’ cold, reptilian world view.
Pray, exercise, rejoice, get the best lawyer, divorce ASAP, build a wiser life.
- John