Lori, I am so sorry that you find yourself here. Nobody deserves to to go through what we have gone through.

First of all, kudos to your therapist. If you can, I would highly suggest going back to her - not for couples therapy but for YOU. Not all therapists see what we go through as trauma, so I think the fact that this one did recognize it as such and called your husband out for it is a good thing. 

Secondly, I would cut off contact with your husband as much as humanly possible. He is gaslighting you - plain and simple. The first line in your post "Help! I really am starting to feel like I'm losing it." is evidence of that.  If you aren't familiar with the term, "gaslighting" is the altering of another person's perception of reality. The end result can be that a person is left feeling crazy or like she is losing her mind. So, you know your husband's actions aren't that of a heterosexual monogamous married man, but he is trying to make you think you they are. Well, let me assure you..... they are not. You are not losing it. Straight men do not cruise gay adult stores and gay spas. They do not do the computer searches you mention. (Speaking of which.... you don't have a son, do you? A father and son gay sex search is very disturbing - even if he is looking to be a "father figure" to some young man. Very disturbing.) Anyway, once you can put some distance between the 2 of you, you will start to see things as they really are, and it will get easier.

About the woman in the car..... it could be something innocent like someone just giving him a ride. However, we both know that someone just giving him a lift wouldn't have stayed and talked to him for an hour - unless the narcissist in him is grooming his next fuel source because he knows his current fuel source (you) is running out. Given his searches though, it could also have actually been a man in drag, but your husband really still is in the "curious" stage and not yet ready to act on it. There are dozens of things that it could have been, but truthfully, does it really matter?

So, is he gay? I don't know. Whatever he is though, it doesn't seem that he is straight.

Did he ever love you? That's a hard one. Narcissists never really love other people for who they are. They love other people for what they provide and do for the narc.So, yes, he probably loved you in his way, but probably not in the way you wish. Sorry, to sound so harsh, but that is just the way narcs are (and you, yourself, described him as such). 

When do the tears stop? They do stop in time, and that time will come quicker if you are able to get some distance between you. 

I'm sorry if I sound harsh. My spouse can out as trans a few years back. Ze was very active in our church - taught Sunday school, headed up a committee, etc. We were a "power couple" in our church, and I was the good compliant, submissive Christian wife. As long as I was, things were really good. I would have told you that I hit the husband jackpot. He was kind and generous and supportive and loving, and I was happy. However, the truth always comes out, and I know now that my perception of reality had been actively altered since day 1. 

So, Lori, your post is all about him. Now, think about you for a bit. What do you want? What do you want in a spouse? In a marriage? Are you getting that? Is your husband even capable of giving you that? What points are you willing to compromise on and what are deal breakers?

Remember your needs are just as important as his are. Please do not sacrifice your life and happiness for his. 

Now, full disclosure...... I am not a mental health professional, nor am I an expert on any of this. I have just been in a similar place and have read countless stories that started out just like yours, so take my advice or don't. It is up to you. But please do keep posting. Having a place to "talk" it out does help.

I wish you peace and strength.

18 months into this nightmare. Some days I’m ok but others like it just happened. Now I’m pretty sure he is with a woman. I saw him once of course lies and more lies.  In the beginning I only told close friends because I didn’t want to hurt him. I thought poor guy he can’t help who he is. Since then he has turned the tables. All of a sudden he just didn’t want to be married. He also says he’s not “THAT”. Can’t even say the word gay.  He was at a gay spa, Craig list pick ups, emails searches and the list goes on.  He now barely takes a call from me and when he does I am clearly a bother.  As if this situation wasn’t ugly enough. I no longer and keeping his secret!  I will find the woman or women and they will know what I know. I don’t want to see anyone else suffer and I don’t want him for a second to think it is ok!  Has anyone else kept the secret? How have you handled the situation?  Would you tell the New relationship? 

Still so heartbroken,
Lori

Yes, yes, and YES to everything Abby posted.

I know it is hard, but put all that energy into YOU! Do go back to your therapist who said you had experienced trauma. 

Distance yourself from him as much as possible, and as Abby mentioned, sever any financial ties you have with him.

You mentioned in an earlier post about hearing more of my story...... one day I will tell it. However, at the moment, I am going through the divorce process, so I am not posting much about my situation at all. One day it will be my turn. I haven't lost my voice forever - just temporarily choosing to remain silent because it is what is best FOR ME. Learn to make yourself a priority, too. Stop focusing on him or even his next fuel source. Once you are healed you can do that if you still chose to, but for now, it is about you.