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- JT
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Re: Still confused after 7 Weeks
OutofHisCloset wrote:
Although you describe your wife as "kind, considerate and often loving," what I see is that she went behind your back and lied to your face.
Rob's right that you have to make your own decisions and go at your own pace, but it sounds to me as if wile you're reading and thinking you might find a visit to Chump Lady salutary, where you will find another take on such ideas as "mid-life crisis," "affair fog," and the "hopium" that keeps you hooked.
Hopium - that's a good one, the (probably false) hope I have sometimes feels similar to a drug.
Thank you for the response, OutofHisCloset. This makes me realize that even though I feel I have come a long way in dealing with this and processing this over the last 2 months, I still have a little further to go before I am looking at this from the proper perspective.
- JT
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Re: Still confused after 7 Weeks
Do we owe anything to a cheating partner? Shouldn't the onus be on them to make it right and earn their chances? Unfortunately I think that it's more often the case that the cheater takes advantage of our commitment to the relationship and uses that against us, making us become the 'fixer'.
What are your choices? I can see three. One - both parties recommit to exclusivity/monogamy. Two - open the marriage equally to both parties, not that you have to seek others but the option should be available to both. Three - end the marriage. Only you can decide what's best for you and I don't think it's something you make a snap decision on.
Sorry you find yourself here, where none of us ever wanted to be. It's normal to feel like a swinging pendulum for a bit. Clarity will come in time. Until then there's always a few people here ready to read and reply.
Daryl, thanks so much for the response and the kind words. It is weird how it seems so many of us try to categorize same sex cheating as different then if our spouse cheated with a member of the opposite sex. You're right that ultimately there was still the same lies, betrayal, and destruction of trust.
Your 3 choices seem to fit pretty well into the available options in this situation. It sucks to be in a situation where all 3 options feel like bad options. Option 1, in theory would be nice but I don't think it could work out long term, based on my lack of trust now and her continued comments that she is gay. Option 2, that apparently works for some people but I don't feel morally right about dating or having sex with others while I'm still married. And Option 3 feels like a negative option as well, although it may be option that offers the most closure and provides more certainty of truly moving on and putting this in the past.
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Thread Starter- Zoso
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Re: Still confused after 7 Weeks
My wife was always the one to say things like "We will be sitting on the front porch in rocking chairs holding hands when we're 80." And that has been what I imagined reality would be. To now feel like that is not likely to be how life turns out, it's the hardest things I've ever been through. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.
So sorry you have be here with us, but glad you have found this place for support.
I am only a couple of weeks into this awful situation. I can absolutely relate to the above quote. Looking to the future then was uplifting, happy, filled with hope. Now it is just an empty dark abyss. I too struggle with thinking she will find her way back to me, that I will be ready and willing. Not sure, it varies hour to hour. My wife has not even found anyone to explore her feelings with, She just knows that she wants to. Sometimes I wish she would hurry up and find someone, have it go horribly wrong and realize it was not what she wanted.
We would not wish this on our worst enemies, but our best friend, partner and soulmate did drop this bomb on us.
- JT
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Re: Still confused after 7 Weeks
We would not wish this on our worst enemies, but our best friend, partner and soulmate did drop this bomb on us.
Hey Zoso, thank you for your reply and it does suck that we have to be put through this situation. It is the biggest example I can imagine of "life is not fair." To love, honor, support, and protect someone for years and then to have this happen.
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Thread Starter- Daryl
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Re: Still confused after 7 Weeks
I've given this a lot of thought and while I don't mean to downplay how much I loved my wife (I really, really did), I think my initial reaction to want to make it work - at almost any cost - was driven by my fear of losing my smooth, problem-free existence. I was fearful of the discomfort of being alone. I was fearful of the financial pain it would cause. I was fearful of the disruption it would ferment. Ultimately most of my thinking was about me being afraid.
Fear of the unknown or of the future is a big player for many of us. Even some of our spouses are behaving from fear, not wanting to leave that closet to be honest and authentic. If you look up some of Kel's posts, she has said that eventually her fear of the unknown was outweighed by what she knew would be guaranteed if she stayed.
“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
- JT
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Re: Still confused after 7 Weeks
Daryl and Lanky,
Fear of change and fear of an uncertain future are definitely a big part of what causes us to try to cling to any hope of keeping things the same.
I love this line:
"When you lose everything, you realize that you only have things to gain. New relationships. New opportunities. New perspective."
Thank you for that Lanky. That's a great perspective to keep in mind.
The reference by Daryl to Kel's statement "that eventually her fear of the unknown was outweighed by what she knew would be guaranteed if she stayed" is very powerful. Moving on, however scary and uncertain, does seem to almost guarantee more peace of mind and seems better for our mental health than the alternative.
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Thread Starter- Estella Oculus
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Re: Still confused after 7 Weeks
Hello all--
Yes, the only way out is through.
This whole exchange heartened me so this morning--you are all working through!
Sending you best wishes --
- Brokenhearted
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Re: Still confused after 7 Weeks
Stumbled on this thread this morning, same boat as you gentlemen and about 45 days removed from discovery of wife’s two year affair and her subsequent coming out as gay. I took a lot of comfort from the posts by lanky, JT and Daryl. Regarding the three previously referenced options, I feel like my wife has only left me option 3 and it appears she ultimately wants me to be the one that calls it. Presumably to make herself feel better when telling her story down the road to others, not sure. She may just not have the courage yet to ask for a divorce. I’m sure that’s where we eventually end up and I guess I am as okay with it as I am about the rest of all this. It’s not like it changes anything if I’m not. Any updates on your progress or decisions?
- JT
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Re: Still confused after 7 Weeks
hey there Brokenhearted, I am glad this thread has been of some comfort to you.
Since I've last posted I've went through so many emotions and phases, sad, depressed, angry, hopeful, betrayed, scared, lost, despondent, positive, meh, and some of those I have cycled through multiple times.
For the last week, I've felt pretty strong and positive. My spouse and I are still living together and going to individual counseling with some upcoming couples counseling appointments. We have not yet made any official step to choosing option one, two, or three, but that is our goal for couples counseling.
The strength I have felt this last week feels different than the other times I was positive or felt happy over the last few months. It feels almost like a peace, like maybe I've reached a point where regardless of what she does or doesn't do I am going to be fine.
Last edited by JT (February 21, 2019 10:40 am)
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Thread Starter- Brokenhearted
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Re: Still confused after 7 Weeks
Thanks JT, that “peace” feeling comes and goes for me also. Its just a little bit of optimism and certainly beats the alternative.
We haven’t done couples counseling but she seems interested in going. I’m somewhat reluctant to go because it seems like it will just be more time spent talking about her or focusing on that issue, and I just don’t care. It probably won’t be like that and maybe it will help us with improving our communication skills which we will need for the kids. I’m sure I will end up going but I’m skeptical.