I agree with Walkbymyself. My ex blurted it out to my adult children with no support at all for them. That moment should never have been about him sobbing and purging himself,. It should have been about two adults suddenly discovering that what they thought was a perfect childhood had, at some point, become a lie. And also that one of the people they trusted most in the world had lied to them.
They are adults. They will understand and most likely have questions for both of you together and for each of you separately.
I know my kids really struggled with the knowledge that we were separating. Was a complete shock to them. Learning the whole truth may well have helped them.

What I tell most people is this: "My husband was keeping a marriage changing secret from me."  And yes Stronger is right: most assume that he was having an affair (which as he is in love with himself when acting out his fantasy he is a woman, I guess he kind of was/is).  

That closet door is all tied up with the trust that my partner still has in me. In that he has no reason to not trust me because he thinks his secret will never be told by me. 

Waking the other morning...I imagined inviting my partner's brothers for dinner, and bringing up the subject of trust. All of our marriages....his brothers and ours...have been long, and seemingly good ones. 
This is what I imagined saying....
"what is the most important thing to you all in your partnerships? For myself it's Trust, but I've had an issue with trust ever since XXXX told me he wanted to see other people" (no mention of "gay"...yet....even though one brother went through exactly what I am in his first marriage).
In my imagination the room has fallen silent, very quiet. 
"XXXX has no issues with trust, has promised me monogamy, thinks I should now move on and doesn't understand why I can't.....because he still keeps all this to himself and has no concept of how I feel, the enormous toll it's taken on me. So I decided the best way to show him how it felt to have his trust crushed was to tell people he'd never want to know how he crushed mine"

In my imagination....this outpouring gave me a sense of peace. In reality, if I ever actually did/said it...it would simply move me further through the storm, because at the moment I'm stuck in the eye of that storm, a comfortable plateau of not wanting to do anything, just stare at that fucking closet door



 

I wanted to post an update to my original post, as it's been a few weeks.  We told both of our boys last weekend about our separation, eventual divorce AND about TGT. It needed to be told, as it explains the reason why we're splitting after 30 years of marriage. At first, STBXGH didn't want to tell the boys (ages 23 and 18), but the more we talked about it, the more it seemed wrong to only tell them the partial truth. They deserved more from us (him/hubby). The boys took it well, and I'm so proud of them (but a little sad, too, that their family life is now broken.) I also told my family the whole truth, which shocked them, of course, but I've been receiving wonderful support from them, which I need. After we started telling our various family members, it became easier for me  to accept when was happening. Talking to people really does help.  I also realized the other day that I'm actually a really lucky person-- I get to start again and do whatever the heck I want. It truly is a gift, as there are so many people out there who are miserable in their relationships and feel trapped in their lives. Now, granted, I'm not sure exactly what I'll do, but I'm looking forward to my future journey to find myself. I'm staying local and keeping my job-- so I'm not doing anything TOO drastic. I've signed up for art classes, am volunteering again,  and I am slowing starting to look into buying a townhouse in a vibrant neighborhood where I can meet new people. The unknown future still scares me a little, especially the being alone part, but I can do this!

That pesky closet door?  Don't minimize what you are saying here, this is him asking you to keep a secret that only serves his needs.  What are your needs in this?  Is it to preserve the friendship with your STBX?  I think agreeing to stay in the closet with a GID spouse is to support homophobia, his own homophobia. 

Sorry, but I agree with Marie and WBM that being candid and open is to bring light and honesty into a dark place that he is afraid of inhabiting fully.  Yes, there are biases, but shouldn't we of all people actively stand against homophobia and biases that punish us as well as our GID spouses?  I am asking as I have often felt annoyed at the strident gay pride demonstrations but then isn't that why we have been subjected to these marriages with people who are so afraid to come out because of the bias against their choice and their fear of being vilified?