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1 of 1- FML
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From Bi to maybe trans, the surprises never stop
My journey is not getting any easier. Last December my husband told me he was "gay maybe bi" but then insisted he was definitely bi, not gay and that he had worded things poorly in his initial disclosure. He has been insistent that he loves and desires me and that he wants to stay together, but it has been a struggle. He completely hid so much of himself from me for seventeen years that I am finding it hard to trust, impossible to feel secure, and the pain is overwhelming. We are both completely drained and our time together is painful and uncomfortable for both of us, because we are constantly aware of how much has shifted between us, and neither one of us knows how to proceed.
Then, as is frequently the case from what I can glean from others' stories here, more information started to come out. The past few weeks, he has confessed that he has always had a desire to dress as a woman, although he had not explored this, and he is definitely wanting to be the submissive in our relationship moving forward. He stated that perhaps he wasn't confused about his sexuality after all, maybe he just needed to be able to dress as a woman at home sometimes and to be dominated in the bedroom. In my desperation, I have tried to accommodate this request, but I can't say that I've ever wanted to be a dominatrix 24/7 and I am certainly not as confident as he is that this is the solution to "our" problems. I told him I was willing to try incorporating his dressing into our lives slowly, even though this is distressing to me. Not because I have any issues whatsoever with cross-dressing or transvestites, but it is overwhelming to find out he is not who I thought he was and that there are questions around his sexuality even if he denies it. It feels like I came home one day and somebody else was occupying my husband's body. He insists he does not want to become a woman, that he likes having a dick and being a man, but that he also needs to be able to express this part of himself. I told him I needed time to digest everything. I don't recognize his vision of what it is to be a woman - to dress sexually and to be dominated and humiliated - that is a porn fantasy, not real life. Love to me is affirmation, not degradation. Not that I'm a girl scout, but I don't understand where the f*#k all this came from, why it is now completely dominating our lives, and how he could hide it so well for so long. He did have a significant seizure about six months ago, and I've read there are rare cases where this has caused a significant shift in a person's sexual behaviors, but I don't know if that applies here or not, and at the end of the day, I guess it doesn't really matter - this is where we are now.
He immediately wanted to shave his beard, legs, etc and start exploring this side of himself. He then went out and bought thigh-high stockings and spends a lot of time online looking for dresses and more thigh-highs. I told him I wasn't ready for all this, that maybe I never would be, but if it is something he needs or really desires for himself, that we should separate so that we can sort through this ourselves to determine what our needs are and whether or not we have a future together or not. He falls apart in these moments and insists he only wants me and that he will "man up" - which angers me, because I do not want him to pretend to be something he is not "for my benefit" any longer, I certainly don't feel like he has done me any favors by pretending to be what he was not. We both deserve truth and the freedom to be who we want to be. I don't know what to do, I feel like I fell into some sort of weird twilight zone/bizarro world and nothing around me feels anything like the life I thought I had any longer. I want to run away, but my fear is that he will hurt himself if I go. I still love him, so it is hard for me to think that this is how it ends, but I don't know how to move forward. He is resisting any efforts to talk with someone professionally, either together or separately. Do I grit my teeth and try to be strong for him until he feels stronger? I'm not lying to him, I am very clear that I love him and always will, but that I don't know if our marriage and sexual life can continue. I don't understand how someone I thought I knew so well is such a stranger to me now.
Last edited by FML (February 4, 2019 5:41 pm)
- MMartin
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Re: From Bi to maybe trans, the surprises never stop
Hello FML,
So many things from your story are resonating with my story, like the bisexuality, then gay, then cross-dresser possibly trans... I have been there, I saw him start with some nail polish, then complete obsession with makeup, the sex, more feminine clothes... To summarize a long story my stbe was deeply confused for quite some time, and ended up coming up as gay, non binary, and alcoholic and sort of wanting, at least initially, to have a mix orientation marriage.
Your story is different, but I also was trying to be the strong one, the supportive and open minded, he was depressed, feeling guilty, afraid, confused, and I honestly worried more about him than myself, and I almost lost myself for a bit (I just had given bird to our amazing daughter, and was sooooo high on hormones and life changes)
Out of love and respect you are being honest, don’t want him to live a repressed life, and considering things that he needs or is going through, not yourself. But out of love we should not put our spouses first, specially when they need to find themselves, are asking us/ exposing us to do things that do not feel right in our guts, hearts, and when it’s taking so much of your mental and emotional resources that just living and facing that reality seems almost impossible.
Take care of yourself, and take space if you need it, it’s easier to see where do we need to set our boundaries and what type of do we need. And if you can not navigate the scenarios he is presenting you, keep on saying NO, I don’t want to consider or try to figure these bizarro options.
He definitely needs psychological help, preferably with someone specialized in gender or sexual orientation issues. It helped my partner, and as a consequence me, to find what was truly going on.
Repression is so bad that what comes out after time is frequently Almost like a concentrated caricature , and exaggeration, explosion, and it has layers, many, and innumerable compartments, so it’s an impossible puzzle and big mind f____
You may feel that you desperately need to understand what is happening, him, and make some sense of this, but probably he does not even know himself. It’s healthy to stop trying to figure them out, and to give ourselves space so that we can see us, what we truly want to do.
At least things are out, there is more light, though clarity may take more time. Be gentle with yourself, don’t let him monopolize your time, mind, soul, he is an adult as well, and this is his journey.
I feel you. You are strong and honest, trust yourself, and one day at a time.
Sending good vibes and strength your way.
- OutofHisCloset
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Re: From Bi to maybe trans, the surprises never stop
FML,
What you are experiencing certainly rings true to my experience as well, and now that I am almost four years past disclosure, and one year past separation, and three months from divorce, I am now in the position to say the following.
I know that this will seem like heresy, because of vows, love, commitment, time vested in your marriage, etc., but the only thing you really have to ask yourself is "Do I want to be part of this?" That is really the only question, and eventually you will answer that question for yourself. Do you want to be the wife of a man who desires to act out a stereotypical caricature of woman and transforms your sex life into a sub-dom porn fantasy while what you want and believe in is "affirmation" rather than "degradation"?
The husband you know has left the room. It is a certainty that he is never going to re-enter it as the husband you thought you had.
As MMartin says, he is "an adult" and "this is his journey"; you are also an adult, and you get to decide if it's a journey you want to go on.
- FML
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Re: From Bi to maybe trans, the surprises never stop
Thank you for your comments to my post MMartin and OutofHisCloset, they are very much appreciated! I am sorry that you both have found yourselves here as well. I am realizing that I seem to be posting in my low moments. While this is helpful to an extent, just to have a place to voice my fears and pain, I am realizing that I should try to post more when I feel moments of strength, like you two clearly do. I believe that is more helpful to others. I have starting reading through your posts, and I feel an affinity with you both, because a lot of what you say and how you have expressed your stories resonates with me and helps lift me up. Thank you both for that.
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