lankylozenge wrote:

Hi Nowwhat,

Sorry to hear about what you're going through. I know only too well that when your husband/wife/partner drops their bombshell the first few days, weeks and months feel bleak beyond belief. As I posted on another thread, it does and will get better. That may be impossible for you to believe, but you're more resilient than you probably realize and time will eventually erode away at some of the intense pain you feel.

I can only answer your questions from a personal perspective, but here are a few thoughts that I can offer from my own experience.

No, you're not crazy for wanting to make it work. As people we are genetically hard-wired to want to preserve the status quo. Change is scary, familiarity is comforting. In fact in the early days it was amazing how much I **thought** I was prepared to sacrifice in order to make my marriage work. I had it all mapped-out in my head......I could have an open marriage.....I could maintain the family unit while allowing my wife to explore her new lesbian life......I didn't really need to have a physical relationship because stability was the most important thing to preserve.

Now some people do decide to make it work and I'm certainly not here to knock their decision. We must all do what's right for ourselves. But ultimately I concluded that my desire to **do anything** to keep my marriage going was driven by fear. Fear of the unknown and fear of change. Once I accepted that fact I realized that I deserve better than a part-time marriage with a partially-committed partner. It took me a long time to get there - and even today I sometimes fantasize about getting back together with her so that I can return to our nice, comfortable family unit - but those days are getting fewer and farther between.

Will you ever feel loved by him? Well it's likely he still loves you in some capacity unless he's a complete psychopath. But it's unfortunately not the complete, whole, rounded love that - IMHO - you need to make a marriage work. My ex was under a slightly deluded belief that we could still function almost as best friends, even though we weren't **together** anymore. It was like she wanted to retain some of the best bits from the marriage, but without the inconvenience of actually being married. That really didn't work for me.......you'll have to decide whether it will work for you or not. She showed me exactly what she's capable of doing and - unfortunately - that broke a bond of trust that will never be fully repaired.

On the break-up front, I'd just say this. I think we often forget that 99% of life is out of our control. We can't control other people's feelings, their actions or the majority of events that influence our lives. All we can really control is our own thoughts and actions (hat-tip to the Stoics for this one!). What you're reacting to is the fear of the unknown....the fear of a life that you no longer control. But the reality is that none of us really control things in the first place.....we just create this illusion of stability and predictability. My advice is don't obsess about the future or dwell on the past. Take care of yourself first and foremost and everything else will fall into place. Remember, there is no rational explanation for what happened to you - or any of us who are in the same boat. When this all went down I spent the first few months asking myself "Why me?". Over time, I shifted my perspective to "Why not me?". Bad things happen to good people, often without explanation or cause. All we can do is focus on what we can control, take what the world throws at us in our stride and keep taking small steps forward.

Remember, you're not alone!

 
Lankylozenge, I don’t think you could have been more on the money with this. I’m just at the beginning of my separation/divorce and everything you’ve said rings true.

Nowwhat, my STBX tried to hold on to me tricking me into thinking he’d change or try, 6 months of me fighting and him half assing his attempts to “save our marriage while he was confused” ultimately just ended me having to verbally say it is over, because he couldn’t even get the balls to say it. If your partner is not willing to give as much as you, then he doesn’t deserve you. We fight and fight and fight for them, and they only feed their wolf of selfishness. I am now swimming in the fear of the unknown, but what I do know is that if we had held on any longer to the threads of our marriage that he kept cutting and not rebuilding, much much worse things could have happened. It is not easy, but you deserve better, we all do. If it makes it any better, i’ve had a constant list of what I’ve compromised in order to fight/be with my STBX, and the list just keeps growing and helps me to realize that I am BETTER OFF without someone who has constantly chosen himself over me. Not just once, but several little times over our marriage. We are here for you, and I’d recommend finding a group of SSN in your area, it’s so much more relieving to grieve face to face with people who know exactly how you feel. For now, hold on. The ride is rough, but our destinations are greater than the ones who selfishly chose themselves.