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1 of 1- Deborah
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Today, I choose Anger.
So every day of my healing process has seemed to have a label: Sadness, Fear, Selfish, Confusion, Hope, but today its Anger.
For those of you currently going through a separation/divorce, this was NEVER your fault. You did everything you could and more (and more and more). You gave up your happiness (and had planned on giving it up if they stayed) on several occasions for someone who could not give up theirs for even a second. YOU ARE BETTER OFF WITHOUT THEM. Commitments likely meant nothing to them, not even just at the end but in the middle, doubtful at the beginning even. I’ve made a list of all the compromises I made for my STBX during our marriage, since hindsight is 20/20, and I’ve come up with 20 things, 20 THINGS! I had not been chosen first for a long time and it took smashing my heart and hopes for the future into a million pieces for me to realize that. Today I choose Anger because it is a valid response to being made a promise he knew he could never keep.
I hope you all can push through and not keep anger forever, but like so many others on this forum have said, that it helps move you forward past the pain to realize that you can only go up from here, and they have lost one of the best things of their life.
Happy healing, friends.
- Estella Oculus
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Re: Today, I choose Anger.
Solidarity, Deborah! Anger has been so helpful as I pushed through the divorce process. Court date coming up soon--and I look forward to being able to breathe free and regroup after that.
The selfishness of our partners, who think nothing of locking us in the closet with them, is staggering. A correct response to that -- and the breadth of lying it entails -- is anger.
Anyone who would say it is our fault or that we could have somehow made it better doesn't deserve a second longer of our attention. Last year right around this time, a therapist we had lined up for our son did this to me--actually took me aside and said I was not doing enough to help my poor, confused husband, and that we should actually stay married, and I should consent to covering it up. You can bet I dropped that guy two seconds later (son also didn't like him, for other reasons, so was happy to move on to a different therapist).
(Aside: On the SSV podcasts, I appreciated Loren Olson's insistence that straight spouses are entitled to anger and should acknowledge it. He seemed to accept that anger is the right response and that it should be directed at the gay spouse, because the gay spouse has in many instances done some terrible, hurtful things, and that those actions aren't excused by TGT. However, it sounds like it took a while for him to get there -- to acknowledging the appropriateness of anger -- in his own life and practice.)
- ShatteredMan
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Re: Today, I choose Anger.
Thanks Deborah! I haven't gotten to the separation/divorce stage yet. And from your list - "hope", unfortunately, isn't one of the emotions I've encountered (looking forward to getting there). Anger, on the other hand, is one of my prevailing emotions. I think I'm dealing well with it, but I really don't like this feeling in myself.
- walkbymyself
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Re: Today, I choose Anger.
Slide over on that bench, Deborah, I'm joining you! My anger will subside in its own time, not on anybody's schedule.
Last edited by walkbymyself (February 10, 2019 3:05 pm)
Relinquere fraudator, vitam lucrari.
- Deborah
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Re: Today, I choose Anger.
ShatteredMan wrote:
Thanks Deborah! I haven't gotten to the separation/divorce stage yet. And from your list - "hope", unfortunately, isn't one of the emotions I've encountered (looking forward to getting there). Anger, on the other hand, is one of my prevailing emotions. I think I'm dealing well with it, but I really don't like this feeling in myself.
ShatteredMan, hold onto even those moments of hope. Most days right now for me are not wholly marked with hope, but I see glimpses and they keep me going. Anger is helping me push through a lot of fear, and it also feels unnatural because in what I thought was a healthy marriage (we were best friends, hardly fought, loved spending time together, etc) it causes friction within ourselves to feel anger towards the one person we thought was worth fighting for. Do not feel guilt for feeling anger, it is a valid response to the pain and selfishness your partner has displayed. Don’t let it cause you to do anything rash, but let it help you stand up for yourself. You not only deserve, but need better than what you’ve been given.
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Thread Starter- ShatteredMan
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Re: Today, I choose Anger.
we were best friends, hardly fought, loved spending time together, etc
Sounds very similar to my situation. Out of all my friends I knew, WE were the couple who I always thought was the strongest. I never imagined that anything could could come between us. Thanks for the solid advice. I am hoping for hope.