I don't think there's a right way to move forward or even a speed. We all get there in our own time. To begin with I'd suggest you allow yourself to mourn your loss but only for specific lengths of time. Then do something for you. You do need to talk with people. In my experience, shared friends try not to pick sides and don't want to feel like they are being challenged to pick one. I expect they will listen and offer condolences but they will likely do the same thing with your spouse. It may be hard to really open up with them. If there's anyone who was your friend before becoming shared friends, that person might be a good candidate. Posting here can be valuable, especially if you feel a need to vent with people who may have been in the same position themselves. You will get there. In the meantime I hope things stay amicable. That will be better for your boys and you will be showing them a valuable lesson in character along the way.

Hi ShatteredMan, I am so glad you found us and found some solace in these posts. I agree with Daryl--having family members (3 siblings, a mom, and a far-away cousin who by a twist of fate is also a straight spouse, though not active in this group) and a close friend who knew us both before our marriage (but was my friend first) helped me enormously. A lot of this process really turns reality/our worlds inside out, and it is really helpful to have people you can check in with who will ground you and give you a reality check when you need it. Family members were especially important to me, because they continually reminded me that I am so so so loved by so many people, first and foremost them, and I really needed that. My close old friend was a good reminder that I have been more than kind, patient, and respectful to my husband, and that it was OK to look out for my own interests. My cousin helped me understand the patterns at work in my STBX's choices, which helped me move on to thinking about y own choices, goals, and plans. I let our shared friends know we are separating and divorcing, but I didn't tell them too much else, in part because my STBX is in total denial and our teen son does not yet know the whole story. Good luck--I am sure your sibling will be sympathetic. Take good care of yourself, and check in when you need to. We are here, ready to listen! (Sending you lots of virtual hugs!!)

Last edited by Estella Oculus (February 10, 2019 11:49 am)

lily wrote:

Hi,

I know you are feeling shattered but you are also sounding very together.

So I'm going to say what I guess from your post.  Those months of knowing something was on her mind - most likely a girlfriend.

The likelihood is she will bat you back and forth for the next while dependent on how things are panning out with the girlfriend and her own feelings over losing what she has with you.  Please do not mistake any of that for love of you.

I also thought how compatible my ex and I were - I thought he was my best friend in all the world.  But when I look back now at our lives together I am shocked at how emotionally abusive he was towards me.  I just trusted him so completely.

This hurts an awful lot for a while - look after yourself.  If you are like me then the thing that ultimately helps is to know the truth of the matter.  So my suggestion is to take a step back and observe your wife carefully rather than engaging with her - see the truth of the person you married.  Then you can start to map your future out.

wishing you all the best, Lily

Thank you for the feedback Lily. Very thought-provoking stuff. I’m not sure how together I am. I’m trying my best, but I sure do feel like a wreck. I’m not sure if the “something” on her mind was a girlfriend. I asked if there was somebody else and was told “no”. I did believe it, but I’m not so certain now (I don’t know what to believe). In looking back, I am a bit more skeptical, and do think there may at least be a specific girl of interest. I will take your advice and try to step back and observe. I appreciate the support.
 

Shattered man, I feel your pain brother.  I am just over 30 days removed from discovering my wife’s two year affair with her best friend and since then she has aknowledged she is gay. The first week was unbelievably difficult, I didn’t think I was going to make it without snapping. Week two was a blur, mixture of emotions and catching up on work missed during week 1, lot of hidden emotions and just survival.  By week three I had listened to all of the podcasts here, participated in this forum, had my third therapy session and I was finally able to start focusing on putting one foot in front of the other. I’m a camper and I just kept thinking, find the trail and you’ll get somewhere. I adopted a no contact policy I have seen on here. I don’t offer up information and I don’t really try to gain any info. We are dealing with liars and narcissists, they aren’t thinking of the family unit but only themselves. So I sleep in a different room, no sex and I limit communication to family stuff. Since discovery, I have a tough time sharing a room with my spouse, it’s a distraction and takes away from my focus, but with four kids I can usually go find a kid somewhere in the house to go talk with. I’m not a jerk to her but I am no longer trying to help her with anything she can do on her own or get somebody to help her with her tasks and certainly not attentive to any needs she may have (call your mom). The days of the doting husband are gone, haven’t shaved my actual beard but I am nobody’s beard anymore.  I don’t know the next step, most likely separation and eventual divorce, ugh. In the meantime, I’m trying to connect with old friends, focus on myself and getting out of the house. I just got back from a solo camping trip, second camping trip in a month. She’s probably pissed. Don’t care. It does get better. Private message me anytime, happy to talk. Someone said it to me and it meant a lot while in my time of need so I’ll repeat it for you, you are not alone. Say it to yourself and find your trail.

lily wrote:

I also thought how compatible my ex and I were - I thought he was my best friend in all the world.  But when I look back now at our lives together I am shocked at how emotionally abusive he was towards me.  I just trusted him so completely. 

I guess you touched a key point here.  I keep saying that I had a great husband but this morning I was thinking of what happened for the past years and I found a lot of bad episodes.  I agree that each couple have its own drama but sometimes were so busy putting other s needs first that we forget what we really need and get caught in what the stereotypes call a good marriage.

@ShatteredMan
From what I've seen here, men are luckier than us women because when a wife founds out she s gay at least she has more courage to tell the truth.  This thruth is hurting you today but you will realize i the future that it s the best thing she could have done for you now since there's nothing she could do about the past mistakes.

Embrace your feelings now even if it s hard.  You'll be stronger after.

Last edited by lolita17 (February 12, 2019 3:03 pm)