ThisSeason

I agree with you. My situation is different in a way that he didn’t bring this up. I caught him. I found out about the CL ads and hookup sites on my own. Had I not found out, this would’ve continued. So he says, “since it wasn’t a big deal and it was only 1% of my sexuality, I didn’t think I should bring this up to you. It’s like watching porn.”

But when you’ve been in a sexless marriage and have always felt that something is off, then you begin to question if it really is bisexuality. If it really is that small thought that comes to your head and you don’t share. I think not.

Mimi, once I knew the problem was his sexuality I gave myself the space of not questioning it any more, he had put me through enough of that already I wasn’t going to do it to myself. I knew he was a gay man he could deny it as much as he liked.  The thing that made it possible for me to take on the option of divorce was the recognition that it would be emotionally healthy for him as well as me.  And the thing that steeled me to divorce as fast as possible wasn’t so much a spark as the recognition that he wasn't just bad for my health and wellbeing, he was deliberate about it and it was escalating.  I was scared to remain with him.  With hindsight, I wish I'd said to hell with you a long time ago.

It wasn’t so much a question of what I wanted as a question of what I didn’t want and I didn’t want my whole life to have been about him.
   
I think it comes down to how you define gay as to how you define bisexuality.  If gay means the sort of man who cannot perform with a woman whether he wants to or not, then by definition we have all been married to bisexuals.  If gay means someone who experiences homosexual attraction then we’ve been married to closet gay men.

I understand that for a bisexual their feeling of entitlement to a straight spouse is real, based on genuine conviction.  And I have made the observation that the bisexual wife is capable of monogamy much more frequently than the bisexual husband.  

With the greatest respect for us all, I am still left to ask where is the thought about how happy the straight husband is going to be, why doesn't the bisexual wife think about that? is monogamy really going to be enough?  and my observation is that all the bisexual wives I know, however pleasant their company, express a feeling of contempt for their husbands.  just like the bisexual husbands feel contempt for their wives.  I see that as something they can't help, an emotional proof that when it comes down to basics they are not physically attracted to their spouse, and that’s why it’s happening - their spouse is physically attracted to them when they aren't – so they feel an off-putting contempt.  

hope that helps, all the best, Lily

yeah really.  A reluctant GIDH must be one of the most difficult spouses to separate from.

It was as I was able to recognise that it was all an act, that I started to make progress.  

That ray of light that had me thinking just the same as you - am I giving up too easily - was deliberately being fed to me - a pacifier to keep me in place.

Behind the very nice man who was carefully shedding a few tears and telling me he loved me was the real person who wasn't very nice at all.  

It was deeply traumatising and frightening to see the queen who rules behind the mask but that was who I needed to address to move out of limbo land.  

wishing you lots of luck, it is a difficult time.