Both mine and my husband's parents have all passed so I have at least been spared that. My mother LOVED my husband and thought he walked on water. She would have been devastated to lose him as part of our family but she would have been more devastated to learn that I had stayed with him for all those wasted years. 

I told my sister on New Year's Eve after she gave me a hard time about not kissing GIDH at midnight at a party we were all at. She was VERY upset and had been thinking for a few years that I had been pulling away from the marriage and was blaming me for the disconnect she was noticing. Once she learned the truth she was horrified to learn I had stayed once I learned the truth so that my mother would not become homeless (my mother lived with us for 13 years prior to her death.)  Since then she has been extremely supportive and helpful. 

I hope that once you tell your family, that they will focus on what you need instead of their own feelings on his homosexuality. Tell them what you need from them. 

I wish you good luck!! *hugs*

 

My sister had been warning me for a while that my mother had sensed that something was wrong in my marriage, so I did end up telling my mother that we were splitting up.  I didn't elaborate on why, and my mother's personality is not to pry, but she was very, very supportive.

I think you can find some way to maintain your integrity and sense of "truth" without being forced into disclosures that make you uncomfortable, particularly if you worry it invites your relatives to second-guess you.  So if the truth here is that you are in a great deal of pain and do not want to discuss the underlying reasons for your divorce, why not just say exactly that?  "I have had a long time to think of absolutely nothing else by day or by night, and I've been exhausted and tormented by this decision.  There may come a time when I feel comfortable sharing the circumstances with you, but right now I need to take my mind off it."  I don't think anyone will press you for details, and you will be telling the truth.

I am still married to my husband of 28 years, after discovery about 8 months ago. Things are tenuous.  He is in a coming out process.  Definitely he is bi, possibly gay.  Right now, he wants a stable home life and I need some stability to return to functioning. This is theoretical of course because I am not functioning well.  I am still not clear on what is best for me and my children.  And I love my husband, though I feel a sense of betrayal I am not sure I can get past, even if he is truly bisexual.  Why am I explaining all this to you all—You guys understand this limbo.

Regarding my parents, they are in their mid-80’s, very religious, and I would say also open minded— truly accepting and loving people who try to integrate their life experiences—even when jarring—with their belief in loving, and in family loyalty, as their highest priority.

I did not talk with them at first because I felt it would break their hearts.  The mental and emotional disorientation are so hard. 

Finally, I talked with my parents two months after I discovered my husband’s browsing history.  There were things in the browsing history, plus my husband’s escalated emotional hostility around that time, plus some huge needs for our children right then, which made me very nervous about confronting him.  Though I knew I needed to.

I was totally scared as I was preparing myself to confront my husband. I feared about a lot of things.  I knew that confronting him would set things in motion, and I was not sure what the direction might be, and all the possible directions felt devastating.  So before confronting him, I had to figure out what I really wanted, had to be prepared to lose everything and to lose it immediately. I was working with my therapist to have scripts of things I could say depending on what he said, etc.  I was trying to plan a good time to confront him where it was private enough, but also public enough if I was not safe, etc.

I was just so miserable and in shock. I very much wanted my parents’ support and to feel their love.  I also did not want to burden them.  I also did not want to damage my husband’s relationship with them because I still had some crazy hope things might work out with my husband. I also knew they had no context for this.  I had confided in my sister who lived long distance.  She reminded me how much my father wants to solve problems, I mean he is just ants in his pants problem solver—and she reminded me how he would just not know what to do with himself in “limbo.”  Especially if he had to keep interacting with my husband through a lot of extended family events.  (My parents live near me.)

Finally, with my sister’s advice, I decided to talk with my parents a couple of days before I confronted my husband.  This way they could help me in specific ways—they could have something to hang their grief on, action they could take, because I could ask them to pray with me specifically about my coming conversation with my husband, and I could ask them to be a safe place for me and my kids if we needed to get away from our house.  They also then would not be in total limbo with me in my biggest fears.

I am so glad I did this. Meanwhile, it has been maybe 6 months since that, and things are very up and down for me.  We have had lots of interactions with my parents, and they have been full of grace and love and patience.  Never prying, and always supportive when I go to them.  I have had some pretty gut wrenching conversations with my dad as I try to work through my feelings, although I also do not talk frequently. 

I know my parents love me as much as I love my own children, and that in spite of their age, they would do anything they could for me. I believe this is hurting them a lot, it hurts them to see me suffering, and they are having to walk the road of limbo too.  But I now also believe that itwould hurt them even more to find out I had suffered this alone, without telling them, when they love me with deep and loyal and helpful hearts.