I still can't figure out whether to post in Gen Disc or over in Support, but I guess it doesn't matter.

I've been off the forum because life has been busier than hell and also very, very good. 

I started a new job last week. Still terrified and angry that I have to give up being a SAHM, but hey I made it through.

Another reason I wasn't on the forum much ... I was genuinely and happily distracted by the guy I was dating. We were not "in love," and the level of our commitment ended at agreeing we weren't sleeping with anyone else. 

We saw each other for three months. Last Sunday, he broke it off. I could feel it coming for a few days before -- there was just this distance there. I'm keeping a private blog at this point, that I let about 15 of my tribe of girlfriends in on. I'm cutting and pasting here to explain the "break-up" because it's just easier. 

Please know that I know it's crazy to think the first guy I date post TGT would be "the one." But dammit, it was going great, there was plenty of chemistry (I thought) and he was showering me with attention. He seemed so much more emotionally mature and emotive than my ex. And I'll be honest, I miss him and I miss it. 

Post 1:

Most of you know that the guy I’ve been seeing since June took a nosedive and decided to break it off with me Sunday. I knew it was coming. (My therapist keeps telling me to trust my intuition. “You’re an NF, Sue. We have excellent intuition.”) He just seemed more distant and less into us and not the same. Only for a few days, even, so I though maybe it’s the shoulder issue or maybe the flaky ex-wife. I mean this poor guy is parenting alone at least 85 percent of the time. It makes dating hard.

But we really connected. We talked and texted a ton because we couldn’t always be together. He made me laugh. I made him laugh. We liked to do the same things. And he was so much more fucking mature than my ex. Most likely because he’d been through a difficult marriage to a mentally ill woman who wasn’t into treatment. His boys were his world and I adored that. He’s a type B, while I’m a type A and it was refreshing having spent a couple of decades with a fellow anal retentive. He paid me so much attention, which felt great.

I felt attractive again. That’s not an easy place to get to when your husband of nearly 20 years has spent a year telling you all the reasons you are intolerable as a human being. My self-esteem hasn’t always been glowing (someday I’ll bore you with the details of my seriously fucked-up childhood), and even though I worked through years of therapy to learn to love myself, as soon as Hitler dug his boot into my heart, I turned right back into that little girl who felt no love at all.

So, here’s why the new guy says he didn’t want to keep trying: First, scheduling is a nightmare. I get that. Both boys play soccer every day for hours. And the ex does not have them often or on any kind of schedule. I’m the first person he’s dated since she made a suicide attempt a year ago and child sharing (a legal term I despise) came to a screeching halt.

But then came the blow that made me wince … three years ago he fell in love with a teacher at his kids’ school. We had talked about this before, when getting to know each other, early on. It was what he referred to as “diving immediately into the pool.” The body of water of which he spoke meant falling head over heels in love, very quickly. He loved this woman more than he had ever loved his wife of a decade. They dated 11 months, and started talking marriage. Then she went off on a mission trip with her Bible-thumping church. He is an agnostic who went to church with her, because, in his words, he’d have become a Buddhist nun if she wanted him to. She returned from the trip and told him she couldn’t marry him because she needed him to love God more than he loved her. (Feel free to insert eye roll here.) And that was the end of that. He was crushed. Devastated. It took him awhile to get over it. So short story long, he tells me he’s still looking for that love. Those immediate fireworks. And he wasn’t feeling them with me.

I think I can believe that, as much as it stings. I’m not in love with him, although I was dangerously on my way. But I do have to ask, are fireworks the only way, when it ended like that? I mean, really? I’m sure the high was awesome (I personally have only ever known a slow burn), but in the end these were two people whose religious beliefs were never going to make this work. And lo and behold earlier this year she married the youth pastor at the scary church.

I believe he’s over her. He said to me “that emotional Titanic sailed a long time ago.” But I don’t believe he’s over that feeling. Maybe he hasn’t healed. Who in the hell knows?

But the way he went from highly attentive to let’s-be-friends seemed sudden and something seems off to me. He did express to me at the very beginning of our relationship that he was wary that I was on the rebound. He mentioned that ideally we’d have met when I’d dated a couple of other people already. I can understand that. And at first I didn’t talk about my ex a lot. Then one night a super annoying text that only my ex can devise came while this guy and I were watching a movie on the sofa. I threw the phone across the cushions in disgust. He asked me what was wrong. I said something like, I don’t want to drag you into my mess. He said, listen, I’ve been through a divorce. I’ve had women friends who’ve been through divorce. I know what it’s like. And it’s okay to talk about it. So I tried and then, of course, a large tear ran down my face and he said, listen, this is okay, if you didn’t feel this way, there would be something wrong. So as our relationship developed, he encouraged me to talk about what was going on. The divorce is a major part of my life right now. He offered so much good advice, my favorite being the ex’s truth is not my truth. But I wonder if all that ultimately scared him away. I wonder if he thought, this woman isn’t ready for this. Or maybe it’s the opposite and he felt me becoming more attached (although I had not verbally expressed it) and he thought he’d better run for the hills.

At any rate it sucks. I know he’s the first and there will (please God don’t let me be alone forever even though I’m supposed to learn to love myself and all that, as much as I love my Jimmy Jane, I can’t have sex with myself, so I need a guy, okay?) be others. But I really liked him a lot. He was no bullshit. And he didn’t just want to bang and run. He said he really wanted to stay friends and have lunch together, etc. Later, after some thought, I wrote him the following email:

Hey,

I’ve been thinking so much today about what’s happened between us over the last couple of months. As you know, I haven’t dated in about a million years, so this was a new venture for me, and one I don’t regret. The more I look at each of us the more I see two people who maybe aren’t ready for anything long term with anyone. I hope that doesn’t sound presumptuous of me. For me, I’m still picking the pieces of my heart back up and reinserting them where they belong. I’m still learning not to measure my self-esteem according to my ex’s version of the truth. I’ve been through hell and am making it forward, a little bit at a time. But there’s a lot more work to be done.

For you, much, much more time has passed, but I think you have some things going on that make dating very difficult. First, [his ex]. I see in you someone whose first priority is to protect his children, especially considering what they experienced a year ago. I can’t imagine trying to balance your natural need for free time with your need to make sure they are okay. I question (and again please, please don’t be offended) exactly how safe they are with [ex] at all. I don’t mean that in a judgmental way, and I’m guessing it’s crossed your mind. I wonder if you feel guilt and that sense of protection and thus aren’t ready for babysitters and a true life of your own. I can imagine that it must be very frustrating. Perhaps these are things I am only telling myself so that I feel better about your level of attraction to me, but deep down, I really don’t think so.

I know also that you are looking for a love that feels like that fabulous experience with [fireworks girl]. I’ve never had it that way — only the slow burn, as you aptly named it. I know you told me that emotional ship has sailed for you, but I wonder if it truly has. Not to say you have residual feelings for her, but that it felt so good to connect in a way that you never had prior. Sometimes I think that the focus on fireworks rules out how it ended. The feeling was intense and wonderful, the living situation and child-sharing ideal, but in the end the relationship wasn’t one that lasted. I hope you find that again, but I also hope you’ll know that it doesn’t have to feel like that to last and be good. (And I also hope with every word I type, I’m not offending you, because what in the hell do I know about successful relationships?)

Last part — I am grieving the loss of our friendship already. The things you said to me Thursday night after the parenting coordinating meeting were very powerful and helped me so much. You’ve made me laugh about a hundred times. I will miss talking to you so much. I am hoping that I offered some of the same for you. I don’t know if you feel the same way, or are offering platitudes to lessen the blow. For some reason, you have always struck me as a truthful, no-bullshit person, so I tend to trust you when you say you are interested in continuing that friendship. But I also don’t want you to feel sorry for me and act out of that m.o.

Whatever happens, I truly wish you the best. You are an incredibly kind, giving person with so much to offer. This is why you have a thousand friends (well, that and your ability to talk to anyone. I hope I have not overstepped my bounds here, but am better at writing than talking and wanted to tell you how I feel.

Best,
Sue

He texted back fairly quickly:

Hi.   I just got your email and was sitting down to respond and surely I can send a long ass email, but it’s not early June [a reference to a ton of long emails we sent each other], I have your phone number (one I don’t intend on losing either – much like our friendship).Sue, you are someone that I value. While, I have lots of friends, I don’t have a ton of people whose opinion I truly value.  I don’t have a ton of people who I think the world of.   This is not being said as a platitude.  I find you funny, kind, smart as a whip, witty and (I didn’t forget the oxford comma, I was omitting for comedic effect) an overall beautiful person.  I am completely being honest when I say I fully intend to keep you as a friend for as long as you’ll have me and continue to inundate your iMessages with mundane details.I am humbled at your email and the thought to say our conversation Thursday helped you.   Hopefully, there is nothing to grieve as we’ll be friends for a long time [size=75][img]https://s0.wp.com/wp-content/mu-plugins/wpcom-smileys/twemoji/2/72x72/1f645.png[/img](remember, that emoticon is crossing fingers lady because there isn’t anything better… seriously, why is there not a crossing fingers person).  Whatever.

Oh and I think you’ll be happy to hear this… for the first time ever, I couldn’t watch a full Carpool Karaoke.  I turned off Britney after about 3 minutes.   It’s also the shortest one I’ve ever seen (about 9 min)… she’s awful and anyone who chooses her as a FAV has a screw loose.  ​[The last paragraph is a reference to an ongoing joke that my ex’s boyfriend apparently loves Britney Spears. And I thought they were all supposed to adore Barbra Streisand.]

So he said a lot of lovely things about me. I texted back saying I was glad we could still be friends. I did notice he certainly didn’t address my thoughts on either of our limitations right now. I cried because I wanted to be his fireworks. Jesus, at this point, I’ll take being a sparkler.So after meeting with my therapist and listening to my special friend with a doctorate in social work (you know who you are, my lovely dear), I decided not to text him again for a couple weeks. I’m starting a new job, my heart hurts, and I need to refocus. And I know I still want to believe this can go somewhere, and that’s not exactly healthy. And guess what, two whole days have passed and not a word from him. This after dozens of texts a day, starting in the morning, and ending at bedtime. I guess he’s trying to show me he means it.

Post 2, maybe 3-4 days later: 

Then the other mess of the week, which I wrote about before. I know what I am supposed to do. Clearly the guy I was dating does not want to be with me anymore. He’s happy to be friends. He still texts regularly, although not nearly as much. He asked me to lunch once this week and I declined. He used to ask me every minute he had free. We’re still making jokes and we talked until midnight last night, as I told him about the meeting with my ex and he astutely noted that my ex is stuck in adolescence at this point. Which is actually completely true, according to research and psychological theory. My ex has returned to the point in his life in which he recognized his sexuality, yet suppressed and denied it, and is attempting to rework his coming out. Thus much of his behavior is like that of a teenager. He’s volatile, confused, aggressive, and immature.

The guy texted me several times today. I love talking with him. If I had the balls, I’d tell him look, I’m falling in love with you. And the fact that you already know you aren’t in for that means I need to stay the hell away from you. But I can’t seem to give up hope that he’ll see the light if we stay friends. Which is helpless, and hopeless, and unhealthy. Every time I think, this is my life, my mother is here helping me, my 13 year old hates me, I am working full time, there is nothing fun, ever, I think of him and the weight that I felt lifted off my shoulders when we were dating. I felt wanted. I laughed. I had distraction. I met a sane person married to an insane person, so we had something very significant in common. I thought he might fall in love with me. I thought I might be lovable.

And instead of being strong and smart and fuck-you-very-much and realizing that if he doesn’t want me, there is something going on with him, instead of I’m some sort of unlovable, broken being, I cannot seem to let go. I am following no one’s advice. I know this isn’t right. But I am so, so lonely. I so want to be held and kissed and loved again. I miss his touch. I miss the way he made me crack up. I miss that we both knew what it was like to fail at marriage. Surely there are a million fish in the sea, but to this one I felt an attachment that I guess is only mine. I’m so confused. I know I need to walk away. But I am so, so lonely. And I don’t just want someone, I want him. What does that say about me? That I am weak, unbalanced, hanging on to nothing? Do I see in him something worth working for? Or am I just desperate and afraid I’ll be alone forever? It makes my head hurt to try to do the right thing.



​So I need some advice.  Kel and Still Wondering and whomever else has their head screwed on straight, please straighten me out.

​I have felt the depression sneaking back up and it scares the hell out of me. I know I'm supposed to heal myself before I move on, but dammit it felt good to be wanted. [/size]

Last edited by Sue (September 4, 2016 11:55 pm)