It's hard to turn your feelings around 180 degrees like that and I don't think it's healthy to try to hate but you certainly should express any sadness and disappointment you have. Curiously, my ex also was taking bi-polar meds and went on and off them over the course of our time together. She also did not do much in the way of counseling 'homework'. In hindsight I think it's because the real root of the issue (his issue in your case) was not being addressed.

Go easy on yourself, big steps come later, first start with the smaller ones. It's OK to mourn what you had before. One of the members here said that they gave themselves a fixed amount of time to grieve or be sad whenever this occurred before they willed themselves to go do something practical and concrete with their day. Someone else here was taking a hammer to an old billiards table any time they wanted to get angry over things.

so I think one of the things that makes it easier is to accept that it is hard!  It is a massive emotional blow and it will take some time to get back to feeling completely normal again.

Please tell me you will run a mile if another man says he's bisexual.  Whatever bisexual is it is not straight and straight needs straight.

My observation is that depression is a response to a blockage in a person's love life.  And what seems like undue anxiety is due to an underlying problem you can feel but aren't consciously aware of.  It is likely you will find your feelings of depression and anxiety get better once you are separated from him.

He has not been entirely honest with you, has he.  

While you have been trying to make the marriage work (it shouldn't be that hard) he has been actively looking for the man of his dreams.  Now he feels he's found him and he's ready to leave.  Wave him goodbye, and know however much it's hurting right now that you have just dodged a bullet.  

None of this is down to you at all.  It is all him.  You sound just fine to me.

Wishing you all the best, Lily

 

Last edited by lily (February 3, 2019 1:51 pm)

Deborah, 

Credit to you for trying to make it work.  You can walk away knowing for sure that you gave it your best.  We all reach that important conclusion at some point - where we just know this isn't going to work or we no longer feel the need or desire to make it work because we know we deserve something better.   It sounds like you've reached that point and you've done what you can do, so you don't have to worry about 2nd thoughts or fears that you made a mistake.  Move forward with confidence. 

You ask how to stop loving.  This is very hard.   Love is the strongest of emotions.  It takes a long time to build and it takes a long time to dissolve.  In time it will.   Often anger replaces and dissipates love, so you can use that if you reach that point.   But not all of us have anger.   We all process things differently.   Your anger might come on strong as part of a certain order or emotional steps and stages, or it might come in small stages at multiple times.  When it does, harness it and use it for motivation to propel you forward. 

Making it through each days is often the best you can do at this stage.  That is perfectly OK!!!   Just making it through the day is a success, so embrace that.  Take the time you need.  Don't rush yourself or put pressure on yourself.  

I remember struggling through those early days just wanting to get better and feel better.  The only way I could measure any improvement was by thinking about how many time I broke down in tears today vs. maybe a week prior.  I figured that if I only cried 3 times today it was an improvement over breaking down 7 times a day before.   So I could measure some small steps only by comparing today to a week or month before..  But that was something.. it was a measurable or visible sign that I was starting to get better, and that helped give me hope that I was indeed healing and that there would be better days in the future. 

You will have those better days.  Take that to heart.  Life will be amazing.  You'll get through this. 

We are here to help.. let us know what we can do for you. 





 

I understand how your feeling. It is so hard and honestly if someone says they are bi you still think they like women right?  I dunno why things happen like this in life. You think you marry someone and you should be growing old with them and they tell you something that’s hard to recover on and they are all over the place themselves. It’s cruel they promise you a fake future.