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- StrongerThanIKnew
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Re: Can’t go on like this anymore
I am so sorry you are going through this. It is hard when you still have to see, talk, live with your spouse.
If you haven't already done so, read up on Betrayal Trauma and trauma bonding. You mentioned your therapist. Is this person able to deal with this sort of trauma? If they aren't (or if they don't ascribe to it because many don't), then it may be time to look for a new therapist. I sought out one, and things are going really well.
As to the limbo phase.... it sucks. I eventually reached a point when the certainty of what my life would look like if we stayed together filled me with more dread than the thought of growing old alone. And being alone is not a certainty. It is a worst case scenario, but it was still better than the idea of being with my spouse.
My spouse had taken so much from me (my youth, my dreams, etc), and I will NEVER gets those back. I figured, at the very least, I deserved a chance at happiness. My kids deserved an example of a mom taking her life back when she realized her feelings were being tossed aside and given no weight and then living that life fully rather than the example of the woman I was giving them.
Now, I am back in limbo as we deal with this divorce settlement. I know, though, that it is just temporary and that knowledge keeps me going sometimes. Knowing it won't always be like this.
When we were still living together though, I just made as many excuses possible to get out of the house. I only bought food for one meal, so I'd have to go back to the store the next day. I started taking classes which was good for me but also so I could get out of the house. I just needed to put as much space between us as I could.
I know that probably doesn't help you much, but I hope you find peace in all of this somehow.
- OnMyOwnTwoFeet
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Re: Can’t go on like this anymore
Mimi, I am so sorry. It is so hard. What words can even describe it. I wish I could help you. I wish I could help all of us. Please just keep going. Just "show up" each day. That is a big focus for me right now: showing up.
Lately, I feel I am in the eye of the hurricane, maybe? And I am trying to regain some equilibrium before the next onslaught of "unbearable." It is like, when the deluge was so strong, full force, I had maybe a couple of brief times when I thought, "I have to jump out of this storm! It is killing me!" But the storm was so strong and blowing me so much I could hardly even think. I could not even figure out how to jump out, could not even have the strength to jump out, could often not even have thought processes clear enough to remember that I needed to jump out.
Now, a little less force from the storm. Sometimes. And I wonder, does this actually mean the storm is past? Like, there is no more storm? Or: Does this mean I am in the eye of the storm and another onslaught is ahead and this is a chance to stand up and try to find some water before it hits again? Or: Is this actually just that the storm is still going at a destructive force, just not quite as strong. Like a hurricane that went from 5 to 3, and it is just sitting there, on top of me, and the damage is still accumulating, but I am oblivious to it because 3 is better than 5--or because I was so to living in a level 3 for decades of marital distress, that 3 feels like a sunny day now?
Next metaphor: spinning all the plates--like on the old Carol Burnett show--remember that anyone? The challenges in my marriage had grown over time to where even before learning about TGT, I was feeling like I was expected to spin more and more plates, and spin them better, while being scrutinized and criticized, and I could hardly do it, but I was doing it OK maybe? I was at least spinning! Now, though, with TGT, all the plates dropped and crashed and broke. In fact, I--the plate spinner--I myself totally dropped and crashed and broke. So, lately I have had a couple of times when I've thought, hey, I am starting to be OK maybe? Maybe I could do THIS again! Like I could do x, y, or z. Like, I can spin a few plates again. And then I try to just think about spinning a plate. And I realize I am not even capable of getting to the plates. I am broken and lying down in the orchestra pit, and I can't even pull myself up out of the pit to get onto the stage. .
Meanwhile, my husband seems to think things are going well enough that things should be spinning again! And yet, if I ever can drag myself up, and then pull my limp body across the stage floor, I will still have to clean up all the crashed pieces. And I have to figure out what plates are even worth looking at, let alone spinning.
My kids--they are so much more than plates--and I have dropped their needs, I fear. And when I look at the broken pieces of everything, I can hardly bear the grief I feel about how I have just not been available to them these past few months.
I stare blankly at things. I start sobbing in public. I forget appointments. I curl up in a ball. I have panic attacks.
Focuses for me: Health and equilibrium, repair and maintenance for me, my children, and maybe my house. (Water damage for real!) So, when I don't know where to start, I think sleep, routine, showing up for things. For me and my kids.
Last edited by OnMyOwnTwoFeet (January 24, 2019 5:42 pm)
- Mimi
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Re: Can’t go on like this anymore
Thank you all so much for your thoughts and advice. I appreciate you all very much.
I think the common phenomenon is that our GID spouses love their closests more than they love us. I don’t think we should get answers from them. Their message is loud and clear “I’m bi/gay but I want to be straight in real life and in public. and for that I need you as my beard. I promise you that I’ll be better in hiding it next time. So you won’t find out. Also this is how I can love you. I can’t change.”
FML- I’ve been unhappy way before I found all the evidence. This was just the cherry on top. So I need to choose if I want to stay unhappy or leave and give life another chance. It doesn’t have to be forever. We don’t have to make it a final decision. We can separate and live freely for a while. For a specific period of time. That way they also have the chance to freely explore. If we both want to get back together after, then great. But I’m sure that won’t happen. From either sides.
I think we need to get to a point where we decide that this is not the marriage I signed up for. Sure, I’ll work and give my best to a marriage that is worth it. I won’t give up easily on my relationship. But a marriage or relationship that deserves my love. Not this one.
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Thread Starter- lolita17
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Re: Can’t go on like this anymore
Dear Mimi,
I m so sorry you feel like that. Take care of yourself.
Much love and light,
- Rob
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Re: Can’t go on like this anymore
onmyowntwofeet,
Your doing ok. Its hard to look at our kids and not cry. Look at the things around the house and cry.
Crying is ok.. it means we love and feel. We are authentic and love fiercely and truthfully. Its the difference between us and them.
I will recall forever , opening my own checking account with the tears running down my face.. But the bank lady was kind ..I told her why I was opening it (but of course left out TGT...the cherrry on top from these spouses). But looking back I will say this...despite the tears, the shaking and trembling , I did it. I walked forward one tiny step at a time.. I did what needed to be done as my GX was destroying and desicrating all we built.
Cry, but also limit it to a finite time. And always, always move forward. You're doing great..you call it "spinning plates".. I say discretely pick one small plate fragment a day ...slowly and discretely build the plates that will move you forward. Broken plates he needs can remain on the floor ...start leaving them in
a "not my problem" pile. I had to do this as ...it was a shock to my GX as she found the problems she created suddenly not getting solved by me.. I solved what I could for me.. slowly, discretely, in tears, but always in a way that was the best I could for me and the kids. Be kind to yourself and remember you did not cause any of this.
Know that it is not forever. We are not citizens of the (gay) valley.. We may need to travel through the valley...but we need not build our home there.
Last edited by Rob (January 25, 2019 8:01 am)
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- Mimi
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Re: Can’t go on like this anymore
Thank you all for your help. Tremendous peace of mind knowing I’m not alone.
Rob, thank you for that point. Adding things to “Not my problem” pile is definitely helping me. I take baby steps. Some days two steps ahead one step back.
As I was walking around my home today, I felt that staying and living in doubt, sadness and fear world destroy both of us. Separation is inevitable. He’s been actually offering me to leave the home. He sees my tears and that I’m depress. So he offered to leave. Interesting point is that he has offered to leave many times by now. I’ve never brought it up. On some level I feel that this is what he wants too. My biggest fear right now is to leave and not find a meaningful relationship. I fear that I won’t be able to trust again. What if I end up in a relationship with other big issues? What if I regret leaving? I think at this very moment I’ll be better alone even if it means forever than to be in a lie.
Last edited by Mimi (January 28, 2019 7:47 pm)
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Thread Starter- Rob
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Re: Can’t go on like this anymore
Mimi,
Alone is ok. Takes getting used to but ok.
Trusting again I think is relative..my GX was so mean and cruel..if I date someone and they dump me it will still not equate or compare to the hurt and abuse my GX gave me.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- Mimi
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Re: Can’t go on like this anymore
Today was one of the hardest days. The most interesting thing to witness is that, the same guy who keeps telling me that he loves me and wants to save our marriage, shows the least amount of effort to actually stop me from leaving. Instead of begging me to stay, explaining to me what's really going on and showing affection, he gets mad at me for being emotional. Yelled at me for being delusional and putting too much pressure on him. I wondered to myself, what am I waiting for? I guess being unhappy is not enough for me to leave. He says he's only a little bi and that shouldn't be an issue. Everything that I found out were only online. Interesting to hear when you've been living a sexless marriage for years.
Last edited by Mimi (January 31, 2019 5:51 pm)
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Thread Starter- jkc1214
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Re: Can’t go on like this anymore
Mimi,
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I think he's angry that you're forcing him to confront something he really doesn't want to confront. But you know what? That's HIS problem, not yours. You are the one who should be angry. He hid something fundamental about himself and married you knowing he hid that. Whether he is truly just bisexual or he is actually gay doesn't matter, he should have told you about it before he slipped that ring on your finger. He's mad that you're not being a loving wife? That's really rich.
I agree with Rob, alone takes some getting used to but it is SO much better than being in a bad relationship. My husband and I separated just a little over a week ago and I'm already feeling SO much better about myself and life in general. I have no idea if I'll ever find someone else to have a relationship with but that doesn't matter because not living a lie is making me so much happier.
I found things went better with my GIDH when I told him I had no intention of outing him. That's for him to do if and when he feels ready. Once he knew his secret was safe, things got better.
I'm sending you lots of strength and hugs today.
- Mimi
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Re: Can’t go on like this anymore
JkC
Thank you! I needed those words. I’m so happy to hear you are doing better! I think I need to remind him that his secret is safe with me. I feel that he fears that everyone will know why we separated.
But I think more than that, he himself doesn’t want to accept that TGT is really what the dealbreaker is. It’ll kill him.
These days this silence in our home is so depressing. I have zero motivation for getting up in the mornings. I’m only hoping to come out of this limbo one way or another. My husband tells me, to accept that I won’t act on it and let’s move on and work on our marriage and be happier. I so desperately want to accept that but I won’t forgive myself years from now when he actually does act on it. How could I ever fulfill that side? While he can’t fulfill me?
Last edited by Mimi (February 1, 2019 1:08 pm)
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Thread Starter