Last I had a weird dream.
 
In my dream, he showed up here at the house, looking just like I remember him before all the gender stuff. He said, “I’m done with all that, I’m back, we can go back to how things were.”  (In that weird way of dreams there was no moving belongings, he just.. was back.) 

I was stunned.  I was also relieved.  I could go back to my certain future as I had imagined it.  I was relieved to not be alone, to have someone sharing responsibilities again.

I must have looked dumbfounded, because he said, “And I got quarters, too.”  (We lived in a development with a coin-op laundry and seemed always to be in need of quarters.)  I replied, “We didn’t need any, I just got some.”

Somehow time fast forwarded and we were both in bed trying to get to sleep.  All of a sudden I thought, “I don’t want him in my bed, I don’t trust him anymore.”  I didn’t know what to do.  I felt horribly conflicted and uncomfortable.  I didn’t feel close to him anymore, and yet there he was, acting like we were close enough to share a bed, like we used to be.  I tossed and turned and he woke up and asked what was wrong.  I told him.  He asked why I didn’t trust him or feel close and I said, “Because you had to be a woman and left.”

Then, still in my dream, I woke up and, again still in my dream, thought, “Oh, thank goodness that was a dream, I don’t have to deal with that” and was relieved to find the other side of the bed empty.

Then I woke up for real.  The other side of the bed was still empty.

I'm certainly not asking for any kind of psychoanalysis of this, but I think it describes what so many of us go through wishing things could have been different yet also moving on.  He certainly has, he's now she, taking hormones, going by female pronouns. 

For me, it made me realize that I think I'm ready to move on and wouldn't want to go back, even if the opportunity arose.