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1 of 1- ThisSeason
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Love shouldn't be a one-sided fight
I was thinking about it, and aside from the occasional love-bombing and gas-lighting, it occurred to me I may be the only one truly fighting for my marriage.
I see instances where myself and others in this situation are constantly trying to "talk sense into" our spouses about how important our marriages, families, and the lives we have built should be to them. But it seems that if those things held the same importance in our spouse as they do with us, then they would realize that on their own.
I think what I'm trying to say is: There is no point fighting to get someone to want to stay. If they want to leave, let them go. If they never come back, that's your answer to the question of do they really care. If they attempt to come back, then you have to decide if it is in your best interest to give it another try and if you trust their motives for "coming home".
- phoenix
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Re: Love shouldn't be a one-sided fight
I think you are right about this.
After D-Day I tried for months to get my ex to chose me and stay. I was afraid to lose what I had, and had no idea how little love I was getting from her. It's very hard to let go of Love, but if you can do it - I agree, the best way to is to let them go and see if they are willing to stay based on their own desires. But it should always be noted that you get to define the rules of what it should look like. Many in-denial spouses will stay with you in order to hide so they can cheat on the side and indulge in their desires, but not go public about their sexuality.
It's a very difficult situation.
-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular.
- ThisSeason
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Re: Love shouldn't be a one-sided fight
Phrased another way: If you distance yourself from your spouse after finding out about TGT/cheating, and they don't pursue you to try to make it better, there is very little hope of a worthwhile reconciliation.
It's strange that so many of us straight spouses end up being the one trying to hard to salvage the marriage, when we aren't the one who dealt the damaging blow that put the relationship on life support.
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Thread Starter- lolita17
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Re: Love shouldn't be a one-sided fight
ThisSeason wrote:
I was thinking about it, and aside from the occasional love-bombing and gas-lighting, it occurred to me I may be the only one truly fighting for my marriage.".
You need to ask yourself what exactly are you fighting with ? What is behind your fear to loose your spouse. I realize today that I ve always wanted to do things right even if I m not happy. Are you afraid to be alone ? Are you insecure about your finances ? etc...
You need to discover what fear is keeping you sticked where you are. You actually might be lucky if your spouse is not willing to fight, because most GID would fight just to keep you as their cover while they do their thing on the side.
- lily
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Re: Love shouldn't be a one-sided fight
Hi TS,
It is not so strange to find it is you who is making all the effort - it is likely to have been like that all along.
What you need to do is start asking the questions of yourself. Say she decides she wants back in, it won't be the occasional love-bombing it will be the megaton onslaught of love-bombing, fuelled on a constant supply of gas lighting that is cunningly crafted to go down like a nice tonic - that can be called drinking the kool-ade except how are you supposed to realise that when it's being hand fed to you by your spouse.
so that's the question really. Ask yourself now while you've got the chance. Do you want to continue the marriage if she gives you that chance?
a leopard does not change it's spots. we can all be a bit tricky, but if someone is deceptive by nature it doesn't matter how sweet the charm it doesn't change, any more than a leopard does. We all know this, it's why the first thing the straight spouse asks is will things be better now that it is out in the open, we are thinking that maybe it wasn't deliberate, maybe they'll be happier now they've come clean - of course you are going to give them that chance.