jkc1214 wrote:

God that was hard. GIDH kept trying to postpone but I just needed it done before my oldest heads back to college. ... All three girls cried and I died inside. I wish I were strong enough to continue my fake marriage for their sake but I just can't do it...I was slowly losing my mind. 

As difficult as it was I feel SUCH a sense of peace that it's over and behind me now. I can move on...be a better parent because I'm no longer hiding myself away. I know they'll be more hard times ahead, but I am eager to move forward and be me again. I haven't been "me" for a very, very long time. And I think my kids need "me" in their life again.

We have not taken any steps towards divorce as I don't want to overwhelm the kids all at once. I'm in no real rush as long as I'm free to do what I want now and not longer have to pretend. I'll proceed with that when I think the kids can emotionally handle that next step.

If anyone had teens when they split up I'd love to hear how it went for them and I'd be grateful for any advice you have to give!!!

I am proud of you. I know that was hard, but it is over now. Sometimes that first (public) step is the hardest.

Also, please reframe your thoughts. Staying in a "fake" marriage for the sake of your kids is NOT in their best interests. Kids are smart and intuitive. They probably knew something was up, and like you said, now that you are more at peace, you can be a better mom for them. You said it yourself, they deserve to have you. They deserve to have the best version of you in their lives. Believe me..... if you had stayed together, you would have become just a shell of your former self. You know it. From your post, it seems that you had already felt yourself starting to slip away. Plus, you have girls. Your actions are an example to them. Would you want them, some day, to languish away in a "fake marriage" or would you want them to do what they can to have a chance at the happiness they deserve?

Nope.... what you did (and how you did it) shows just what an incredibly strong person you are.

As for your kids, there will be an adjustment period, but they will be fine. Just continue to be honest with them and let them know they are loved and that they do not have to choose between the 2 of you. Your love for them will always outshine any problems you have with their dad.

Also, please look into the divorce laws for your state. Just learn the pros and cons for staying together as well as divorcing.

Now, time for some intentional self-care.

Hi JKC,

Thinking of you and hoping your surgery went well and that you are taking good care of yourself!

I had a very similar experience when we told our teen son. He wasn't too visibly upset, but he acknowledged later that it hit him hard with a lot of emotions. He, too, does not know the whole story, and he took it generally well (he's an even-keeled kid generally). However, there did come a period of blowback in the two months afterward as it sunk in and he gradually started to blame me for the split. This was natural--there was no other obvious answer since his dad is totally closeted and in denial, but we were otherwise very compatible and had a very serene marriage with few disagreements and no real fights. I resisted the urge to out my STBX at that time, although I did finally blow up at my son and say--look, your dad has treated me like $%^, and I'm not taking this blame from you, so cut this out now. After that rocky period, he calmed down quite a bit. It helped him a lot to be in therapy through that period--he felt like he could blow of steam and sort through stuff with an otherwise disinterested person. He only went for therapy for about 8-10 months, but he ultimately had a positive experience with it, and I think that it will help him with self-care later in life when he faces other challenges.

Good luck, and I am hoping things are going well for you.