Thank you everyone for your response! What a great group of people here! So much motivation to move forward!!!! Yes, I'm working on me

Wow !!! This sounds like me !!!! 10 yes ago I had my suspicions and now I found proof! I left my career to be a stay at home mom and a wife! I wanted my kids to have the best life ever! Better then me! I was sexually abused when I was a kid now emotionally abuse in this marriage ! I haven't had any time to vent about this! I have to pre-tend I'm happy everyday! This is really hard!!! I need to get my finance straight again! I'm not ok in that area! He's is the only one working ! I was planning to get a masters in tax while I'm home then get a job and do me! I need to be financially stable! Plus we just bought a house 2 months ago! Mortgage is 2500! Can't pay alone so much to think about ! My school loans have been deferred all this years now it's time to repay ! I'm ok with him being bi... I'm not ok with him not coming clean with me ((( this is were it hurts very emotional here !

Hi All,

Well that was a pretty big VENT on my part. (I just re-read this post and this is a WARNING that it's a bit explicit)  Seriously, it has taken me months to get to this point and I only just recently came to terms with my husband being gay.  Even after all of the evidence of my husband's sexual activity with men I was still in denial.  He said he was straight, INSISTED.  I was trying to make sense of the senseless.  My world was turned upside down and I couldn't find the ground.  It was a nightmare

 I found hundreds of emails, texts, pictures etc all in just about one sitting. A little bit on Christmas Day (I saw him put his passcode into his phone Christmas Eve when we were at Christmas Eve mass) and then the whole works a few days later as I sat on the bathroom floor in the middle of the night while in Mexico on vacation with the kids (trip was booked before Christmas).  It was literally more than my brain could comprehend.  The one smart thing I did even thought I was in complete SHOCK was take a picture of every single thing on my husband's phone with my phone and I texted the video of him that he had on his phone to my phone and then I deleted the text on his phone.

I survived the Mexican vacation  (I have no idea how I did, because I was absolutely numb and my husband was messaging women and men while on our family vacation), we got home and I made an appointment with a lawyer and therapist the second we got home.  It was 5 more weeks before I confronted him but in those 5 weeks I started the process of protecting myself financially, put a new roof on our house, bought things I needed and basically took care of everything I possibly could.  The breaking point for me was when I saw on his phone he was making plans to detour to Portland to meet up with a women for 2 days at a S&M bed and breakfast (Twisted Cedar Estates) on route to meetings in Utah.  I was physically sick that night.  I was absolutely horrified and crushed.  It was overwhelming and utterly shocking.  We were a family, a normal family with 4 kids and 2 businesses.  We had Sunday suppers with his family, we went to church. A wonderful life.

If I had not taken the pictures with my phone of the stuff on his phone so that so I had proof, he would have denied everything and it makes the separation agreement much easier to "agree" to because he does not want anyone to know what he has done.  I am not being unfair in the separation but I am making sure I am getting every single thing I am entitled to.

When I did "confront" him last Feb, like I said, he PROMISED on the kids LIVES that he would NEVER do anything again.  He said he was "mixed up" and it was just the "stress" of work.  He said,  "he did not want it" and BEGGED me for another chance.  We went through what I realize now was a "classic" honeymoon phase.  He was attentive, spending more time with me and the kids, unloading the dishwasher (yeesh), trying sexually with me.  I started to suspect in May that things didn't seem right sexually (he just did not respond to me the way I thought was right) and I noticed him on his phone, missing the kids baseball games etc.  

It was then I found the passcode to his phone again, and I saw a message from squirt.org on a meeting he had planned with another man.  It was directions.  He had taken a picture of the message because it had directions to the meet up place and then he "deleted" the picture not knowing the a phone saves deleted pictures for 30 days.  I found the picture 6 days before it would have been deleted permanently.  I joined squirt.org as a member and messaged my husband.  He messaged me back thinking I was a guy (once in front of me).  It was devastating because we had been really "working on our marriage".  I made an appointment with my lawyer to start the process of separation and this time I REALLY moved around money to protect myself.  He had sold a car he had and I took every penny and put it in the kids college savings accounts.  Thankfully, over the years I was involved in all of our finances.  I also began over paying every single household bill (electricity, phone etc) so that I have a cushion of a few months of household bills already paid.  I confronted him mid July and 2 days later kicked him out.  My lawyer was very clear that  it was VERY important that he "leave" our family so that legally he could not claim it.

I still could not come to the terms with him being gay.  Last week I decided to look back on all of the texts and emails etc that I had because my husband was asking me every single time I saw him to take him back.  There was a lot of things that stood out that my mind hadn't been ready to comprehend months before (I really hadn't looked at the stuff I found again because it was so traumatizing), anyway, one thing I saw that I had kind of forgotten.  One guy asked my husband to "drink lots of water" so that my husband could pee in the other guys mouth, and in another instant another guy wanted my husband to have to pee in a bottle while jerking off because it was a control thing or something.  I thought this stuff was weird but kind of put it on the other guys.

I was on squirt.org last week (I wanted to see if my husband had logged on), anyways I clicked on some profiles and you know what tons of guys have listed is "water sports".  Seriously, I thought to myself...why are guys listing wake boarding and stuff...so I googled, "water sports and gay"...oh seriously, it's kind of a  thing to pee and stuff while acting out sexually with another man....it was at that moment that I thought, "o, that's pretty GAY".  The thing is my husband identifies as a STRAIGHT man on squirt.org.  He refuses oral sex, anal sex or anything "gay".  He likes to jerk off with other guys and he was submissive.  It took really looking at those texts and emails again to really realize, MY HUSBAND is gay.  He has brought up that he was "with" women too which he is seriously not sorry for.  I seriously told him, spanking some girls butt until it is black and blue and then jerking off does NOT mean you are NOT gay.  Our marriage started having serious problems about 18 months ago, I just could not figure out what was "wrong" with my husband because he was acting so different, angry, withdrawn etc.  I can see from the emails that he had started a somewhat relationship with another man.  Certainly, someone who was more than a one night stand.  

I have been in therapy with thankfully an absolutely great therapist.  In the last week I read Bonnie Kaye's books and listened to her podcasts and seriously I could have written or said every single word.  I can hardly believe it.  I also would be the first to say that my husband was a great guy, a good father, we were best friends and we never fought and we were completely on the same page about everything parenting with the kids.  I did not see this, although I would say the entire 20 years our sex life did not seem "right" to me. I am attractive, and in fairly good shape and he would tell me to get a better body, he was "pushy" sexually knowing I would reject him...this gave him the excuse to go act out with other people.  I could go on and on...but I can see now how "unloving" our relationship was.  I am horrified that I let this go on for so many years.  But we did have a good life and I always saw my blessings.  He was always miserable.

We have not told the kids yet.  They have not noticed that he is gone.  He always went to the gym at 5:00 am and then worked until 8, 9, 10 pm.  He would come home, have supper and go to bed.  Unfortunately, I can see now how little he was a part of our family.  He has always been loving and kind to the kids, though.  We have a fairly large business.  He "worked" ALOT.  I gave up my nursing career to be a full time mom about 10 years ago.  This was our life.  He worked and I was home.  He game to baseball and hockey games when he could but work always came first (now I know he had a whole other life).  Until we finalize the financial aspects he has been coming home around 6-7 pm and having supper, he sees the kids, I am myself when he is here but if I don't want to see him I go for a walk, to the bookstore or something.  Then he says he is "going back to work" and leaves.  The kids are busy with sports, friends etc and have not noticed.  

I told him this afternoon that I would no longer continue to be apart of his lies.  The kids will have to be told of our separation.  He was devastated.  Said I was "driving him to suicide"...I was a bit angry and said, "don't get my hopes up"...seriously, this is what my life has come to.  After saying that though, I said, "are you coming for supper tonight and he said, "yes".  I told him for the millionth time that he needs to get help, he refuses counselling.  I told him I will not keep this from the kids indefinitely. 

If I could say one thing to anyone it would be to get out as I should have done 10 years ago.  Or at the very least start going in that direction.  Put money away, go for individual therapy, contact a lawyer so you know you rights, find support (I have a therapist, a wonderful mom and brother, and 2 awesome friends who have been there for me).  Downsize your life as much as possible (3 years ago my husband tried to convince me to buy a mega expensive house, we put an offer in,and it was accepted we sold our house...I freaked out and phoned the realtors and everyone and said, I AM NOT BUYING THAT HOUSE and stayed right where I was...instead he bought a Corvette, which I made him sell  2 months ago). Pay off credit cards.  I applied to do my Master's degree last winter, was accepted and I am starting my second class next week.  If the kids are little, keep things happy for them but do absolutely everything you can to move your life in the right direction.  I am fine financially but how I wish now I have saved way more over the last 10 years.  I wish I had devoted my life for the last 10 years to building a life for MYSELF. 

If I learned anything from the books I read in the last week on straight wives/gay husbands it is that if it walks like a duck, sounds like a duck, swims like a duck...its a DUCK...believe me....I am not divorcing my husband because he is gay.  I am divorcing him because he is a liar, and a cheater with no character who did not value me or our family. I deserve better and I will never teach my children that you stay in this kind of marriage "for them". 

"I have decided I will not LIE to my children (I will keep it age appropriate)..."

Does this mean that you are going to tell slightly different versions to each of them? I don't have children, but I have siblings, plenty of them (5), and one thing is for sure, we all talked to each other and compared notes. Be careful of putting yourself in the position of them questioning whether you are a liar, too, if they hear inconsistent versions from you. I assure you, they are going to talk to each other about this, and they are going to compare notes. Whatever you do, I would advise against telling any one of them how to talk about it with each other if they ever do, or worse, to ask them *not* to talk to each other. Doing that will only guarantee that they talk to each other, whether you know about it or not. It took my parents a few mistakes before they figured out that telling one of us was the same as telling all of us.

"You need to find out why you are in an abusive marriage and why this is ok with you.  I had much to face about why I let my husband treat me the way I did."

Lisa - bravo, bravo, bravo! This is the part that makes many of us squeamish, even defensive, and why we want "proof" and why we keep buying into the lies - what is it about us that thinks it's okay to live like this. Sorry for what you had to go through, I certainly understand the part about "what I would have done differently if I had been aware," but sounds like you are on the right path.

Last edited by BryonM (September 3, 2016 12:26 pm)

Lisa9978,

Although you beat yourself up over not leaving sooner your posts radiate strength.

Don't beat yourself up.  We all tried to save our marriages...we all had fierce true love..nothing to be ashamed about.

I did not stay years..once I found she was cheating my body literally made me move forward. .I would sake with trauma at the betrayal and lies.  I knew what I ha DC to do and was gathering strength..lawyer etc..when she filed.  (Shocked her that I had a lawyer though).

I admire you for moving with conviction and speed once you knew of his lies.  This should be a lesson for all here...we need to go into emergency accident mode..do what needs to be done.
Hair on fire as it's said here.

Sadly the shock froze many of us and it takes time to move forward.
For those that can't throw their lying gay spouse on street (just wow..I did not have the guts to do that) ..baby steps...baby steps for you and your kids...always forward..