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1 of 1- LoosingMyMind
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Am I losing my mind?
Its interesting how the mind games and gaslighting make you feel like you are losing your mind.
I caught my husband on gay dating/hook up sites. He said I was just curious. Then I found out that he had been on craigslist personal ads (only men). He then again said its just curiosity. After many many days of crying and questioning everything he now admits to being bisexual. After I said many times, that THIS is the reason for many of our marital issues. he says his bisexuality has nothing to do with our non existent sex life. He said all his life he was "curious" but never acted on it. He tells me that all his actions have only been online and never acted. His stories changes so many times. He says his curiosity is not sexual. Then I say "well why the hell are you on hookup sites"?! he says "Well maybe it is. but I never acted on it. and if we work on our marriage, you never have to worry about me acing on it". I told him "What if you do?". He says, "well its like me asking you will you cheat on me? You will never know what the future is."
Please tell me Im not losing my mind. He acts like this should be normal for me. Every time he is on his phone, I wonder what he's checking. I feel like I need to gamble my life right now. To continue in the marriage and be constantly worried about the other shoe to fall off and him acting on his other side. Or to leave and wonder if I throw away a marriage and 18 years of my life.
Any advice?
Last edited by LoosingMyMind (January 15, 2019 8:46 pm)
- lily
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Re: Am I losing my mind?
Hi LLM,
yes it's awful, the feeling of losing your mind and it's even worse as you work out your partner is deliberately doing it to you.
Do I believe he's not hooking up? no I don't believe it and I think to turn it around and say well you could end up cheating too is a callous non-answer. Doesn't he care about your wellbeing at all? apparently not. Sorry to say it but you will also have to consider whether you need to go to the doctor incase he has been hooking up and maybe caught something.
The way it went for me was I didn't know or come across anything, believed it was my fault and so I kept trying to fix our marriage and I stuck it out for ages. One day I am going for a walk and it just struck me it was like I was wearing an ill-fitting pair of shoes. I didn't understand what was happening, it was just a feeling but it was a good start.
We've all had that experience haven't we - for whatever reason you want to keep wearing the shoes. it's a little uncomfortable but do-able but then it's blisters and distinctly uncomfortable and if you continue to stick it out from there, well it's only going to get worse, isn't it. It sure did for me.
wishing you all the best, Lily
- Mimi
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Re: Am I losing my mind?
You’re not losing your mind Lily. It’s all projection and gaslighting. Reality is what you know not his spin. Remember.
- lolita17
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Re: Am I losing my mind?
Interesting how they all say the same thing "It s just curiosity", my husband even told me that he bought the condoms I found in his stuff just by "Curiosity". Yes this curiosity thing can make you loose your mind but I m sure you re stronger than that. Take care
- walkbymyself
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Re: Am I losing my mind?
LMM: It seems to me he's lying to himself, and telling you the version he believes is true.
I don't believe for one moment that you're crazy. Someone in this marriage is untethered from reality, but it's not you. And, I think his insistence that it's only curiosity is a diversion, because right here and now you have problems in your marriage, and the online sites he's accessing aren't merely porn or something ... they're hookup sites.
I would try to avoid getting drawn into an idiotic debate over whether or not he's "acted on" these impulses. Think of this as a probability, not something you're able to verify as "true" or "false". You can't trust him to tell you the truth, and that's the issue here and now in your marriage.
Relinquere fraudator, vitam lucrari.