Thank you for posting Cindy (aka Violated). This was my favourite part of your post: 

"Anyways, now my energy and focus has now shifted, it is no longer about him, it is all about me now. I am doing my best to make myself a priority. He has just worn me out, I can't fix him. I may still love him, but I am moving on. Letting go. Searching for happiness. I just want to be happy. I have made new friends, joined volunteer groups, and just signed up for a single cruise. Onward." 

Well done. PLEASE come back and update us on your singles cruise! All kidding aside, ending a gay/straight marriage can often feel like a hollow victory. It's a bit like, "Congratulations...now start over!" So I applaud you on having the courage to leave such a toxic, dishonest, and abusive man. In response to your post: 

1. Every word and response you have shared on this thread was true of my GIDXH. I will try to summarize: He claims in his early 40's he started to fantasize about having anal sex with a man. He looks at gay porn magazines, uses anal dildos. He claims only one sexual encounter with a man and contracted hepatitis B. He claims it was only an experiment. He claims "he was "bicurious", then, "Bisexual", then he claims he never said that. He claims he was raped by 3-4 men, then claims he never said that. When I lead him to believe we could open up our marriage to satisfy his needs, he confessed he wanted to satisfy his needs with a man once a month and that a young guy would be a turn on for him. He told me he fantasized about me being with another man. (What kind of man can say such hurtful things to his wife?). 

Looking back at your early posts, you did two things that should set an example for straight wives questioning their husband's sexuality: first, you separated straight away by moving out; and second, you brilliantly cut to the chase by offering to open up your marriage, allowing your husband to think he could have sex with men while still married to you. I write "brilliant" because you distanced yourself from a toxically manipulative man. That is such an important step. Then you cut through all the bullsh*t excuses, distractions like couples counselling, and laser-focused on the burning question: "Yes or no: does my husband want to have sex with men?" This is what straight wives need to focus on: not his lies ("I was just curious" or "I was abused"), his blame shifting ("Maybe I'd be more interested in sex if you did ______"), nor his withering attempts to save the relationship ("We need counselling..."). You very bravely confirmed that your husband had had sex with men and then got him to confirm he wanted to have sex with men. You focused on one burning truth: straight men don't have sex with men.  

2. During the past year, I begged him to tell me the truth, he never did. He continued to lie.

It's like wanting a cat to bark, it's just never going to happen. Some closeted gay men, and this includes closeted gay husbands, are incapable of telling the truth - even in the face of overwhelming evidence. 

3. But when I searched his phone, I discovered he was going to adults sex shops, and googling gay bars. 

This is a common pattern: discovery; confrontation; (his) denials; reconciliation; lots of promises; and then he's right back doing the gay thing. Most gay/straight couples go through this cycle 3-5 times before she finally says, "ENOUGH!" 

4. All of our conversations were all about him, him and his needs. The gas lighting, the blame shifting, lies and lies and more lies. 

You make an excellent point. Gay/straight marriages are toxically one-sided. Straight spouses have often spent decades propping up their damaged husbands, tragically to a point that they no longer know how to focus on themselves and their own needs. 

5. He was even able to manipulate his therapist into believing that he just had an "anal fetish" and he was not gay. And manipulated me into meeting with his therapist who shared her diagnosis of "anal fetish'!! I now see him as narcissistic and manipulating. But he can also be so charming, everyone likes him. 

Keep in mind that most gay men like me start hiding their sexuality around age 5 or 6. By the time we marry straight women as cover, we're experts on how to dazzle, distract, and manipulate people. Mental health professionals are just human beings so they too can be manipulated. 

6. Thank you , Sean. You helped me face my reality and you gave me a kick in the ass.....move on.

You're too kind Cindys but I reckon you did all the heavy lifting my friend. I just posted a few replies. I believe you (and your fellow straight spouses) are the brave ones. I'm just a gay ex-husband typing away in cyberspace. 

I wish you all the happiness in your new life, without him. Be well! 

Last edited by Sean (January 11, 2019 6:26 am)

Thanks for writing FML, although I'm so very sorry you've found yourself in this situation. In response to your post: 

1. My husband/partner of the past 17 years told me that he thought he was bi-sexual, maybe gay last month.  He has since declared strongly that he is definitely bi, not gay, but that he loves me and wants to continue our marriage.  I honestly had no clue. 

Understood. I'm sorry it was such a shock. 

2. I did know that he had developed an interest in cuckold porn, but I guess I didn't connect the dots. 

I wouldn't be too hard on yourself. While I'd suggest consulting with a sex therapist, cuckold fantasies (husbands who want to watch their wives having sex with other men) have come up quite frequently in my exchanges with straight spouses. 

3. Other than that, no hints.  There have been a lot of things in our relationship that make more sense now looking back now, mostly his struggle with alcohol abuse and the feeling that I had that he was never really "present," which I wrote off as an effect of his drinking.

Addictions to gay porn and alcohol also appear to be quite common among husbands struggling with their sexuality. I myself was addicted to porn. 

4. I have discovered that he has been watching gay porn for the last few years at least.  He showed me some of his favorites, it was a sexual thrill to him to show me.  While I am curious to know as much as I can about everything that he is has been hiding from me, I am a bit distressed that he seems to be more turned on at times by trying to pull me into this, than aware of the fact that he has been withholding information from me and using me. 

Sounds tricky my friend. Again I'd urge you to consult with a sex therapist, but I believe these are red flags, particularly if you're not interested in his cuckold and gay porn fantasies. 

5. I think in his mind perhaps he hoped it may try to convince me to pull another man into our sex life, which I think is really just a way to move him closer to what he really wants - sex with another man while still having a "straight" cover. 

It's certainly possible. I've had many exchanges with straight wives who have served as sexual "avatars" for gay-in-denial husbands (GIDHs). So I reckon it's pretty common for GIDHs to attempt to live out gay fantasies via their wives. 

6. I feel like I have been used enough at this point, and have no desire to help him fulfill this fantasy. I have told him this and he accepts it.  He says he is fine living without exploring his attraction to men and he just wants to go back to our old life and that he would be happy with that, and I even think he probably believes that at this point, but I do not. 

You're right to be cautious. I'd revise your statement to read: "...he accepts it, for now." The (pink) cat is out of the bag so to speak. I wouldn't be surprised if he gently started insisting on spicing up your sex life: through threesomes; pegging; or even an open marriage. I'd be ready for that. 

7. One of the things I am struggling with, is that so many others here (as well as your own posts) have indicated that there was little to no sexual contact/intimacy in their marriages to their GID spouses.  We have always had an active sex life, and he is almost always the instigator.  I would say he is hypersexual and always has been.  If he could have sex 3 times a day we would. 

That sounds more like a sex addiction so I'd urge you to consult with a mental health professional. If your husband enjoys sex with you, a woman, and also has an attraction to men, this would suggest he's bisexual. Most of the women posting here haven't had meaningful sex with their husband for years, or sex happens just a few times a year. These cases are more black-and-white because their husbands are finding sexual satisfaction exclusively through male-on-male porn, chats, or hookups. I can imagine how confusing it must be to have an active sex life and then learn your husband has a gay porn addiction as well. 

8. I find myself dancing on a razor thin line, is my husband gay and should we end this charade, or is he bisexual, and content and willing to commit to a monogamous sex life with me, which means that I am throwing away our marriage which I thought was quite good and which he desperately wants to continue? 

Once a straight spouse discovers her husband's homosexuality (or bisexuality), I believe she should focus on the following priorities:

a. Support: she needs to understand that she's neither crazy nor alone by sharing her story here, with friends, with Straight Spouse Network meetings or sponsors, and/or with close family. Most women are surprised when their friends/family share, "Well I always suspected he was gay." 
b. Therapy: sharing the words, "I believe my husband is gay" with a mental health professional is very freeing for straight spouses - many of whom have kept their husband's secrets for decades. 
c. Health: Get tested immediately for STDs. 
d. Goals: Write down the kind of relationship you deserve, without referring to your current situation. Consider it a relationship constitution of sorts. 

In brief, focus on you first. Don't lose yourself in his sexuality problems because that's an emotional black hole. 

9. I strongly feel it is the former and to pretend otherwise would be a disservice to us both.  He is reacting strongly against this, and then I worry that I am punishing him for opening up to me, which is not what I am trying to do.  I just want both of us to live honestly. 

I really can't say whether he's gay or straight my friend because I'm not a mental health professional. But living honestly is an excellent goal. Please keep in mind that you can only change one person: you. What I'm trying to express is that most GIDHs have struggled with their sexuality for decades, before they marry women. The denial, conflict, and dishonesty are often hard-wired. So you may never hear, "I'm gay" nor any honest answers from your husband. 

10. He has disclosed that he has been aware of his attraction to men and women from a very young age.  He says in his 20s before we met that tried to initiate a few sexual encounters with other men, but that it didn't work out.  In the first instance, the guy he was with tried to go down on him and he panicked and left (he tells me he was more interested in giving than receiving, and took his leaving the situation as a sign that he was not in fact gay).  The second time, which he swears is the only other time he tried to initiate contact with another man, was when he was walking home drunk and pasted a guy that was sitting in a car by himself.  He said he made some sort of comment like "Hey, you don't have to sit in there by yourself" and that the guy got out of the car and chased after him because he was going to beat him up, but that he got away. 

That's called minimization and it's quite common. Just once I'd like to hear a GIDH share the honest truth: "I was horny as hell, went to the local cruising park, and then hooked up with a guy. And I've been going back for years." No one ever has just one bite of the cookie, nor one puff of the joint, nor one drink.  We minimize when we are ashamed of getting caught and fear consequences. And there is no greater fear than being outed and divorced. The holy trinity of gay-in-denial minimization is always: "I was just curious. It happened once. And I didn't like it." Most gay husbands only disclose the bare minimum.  

11. He swears up and down that these are the only encounters with other men he has had. 

Likely bullsh*t. 

12. He says he is not emotionally attracted to other men, only physically.  He says he has never met another man that he has had a crush on, only that he has seen men that he is attracted to physically.  I tend to believe this is only because he isn't fully out even to himself, but I can't really make that decision for him and I understand that. 

100% agree.

13. He says beyond watching gay porn, he hasn't tried to initiate any encounters.  He says he isn't on any apps, isn't sending any dick pics to strangers, that he isn't trying to pursue this at all. 

Gay porn alone is often enough for some straight wives. And he's certainly being very specific about what he's not doing. That's a rather alarmingly detailed list he's shared. It sounds a bit like someone saying, "No officer there isn't a dead body and bloody axe in my trunk. [Cue nervous laugh]" It immediately makes us want to look in that trunk. If he follows the pattern of most gay-in-denial husbands (GIDHs), he'll now lock down or clean most of his devices. But straight wives normally find more evidence.   

14. I want to believe him, but I struggle with the thought of "what can I believe, when he has withheld so much?"  We do spend basically all of our free time together, so I admit, it would be hard for him to do.  

Of course you want to believe him because you love your husband. That's a perfectly normal reaction. I'm not being much help I'm afraid. So let's focus on what you do know: 

- Your husband watches gay porn 
- Your husband has admitted to past hook ups with men
- Your husband has admitted to being either gay or bisexual 
- Your husband suffers from alcohol addiction

Clearly your husband has some form of an attraction to men. So what now? It's now up to you to determine whether you want to continue with this relationship. Take all the time you need. The next 60-90 days will be like a "honeymoon" because he'll be on his best behaviour. (It's often called "love bombing" as well.) While straight spouses tend to focus exclusively on the gay thing, I reckon you now need to focus on you. This is no simple task as most straight wives have sacrificed their own happiness to support emotionally unstable husbands. I know from experience how damaging my closet was for me. But I had to work through the healing process alone.

You've made an important first step by reaching out for help here. I'm afraid that only the coming months or years will reveal whether you can remain happily married to a bi/gay husband. I hope that helps my friend. If I haven't answered your questions, please feel free to post again. Be well! 

Good day Mimi. I hope that you and your family are well, despite this terrible ordeal. In response to your post: 

1. When you and your wife tried couples therapy, what was the main focus of it?

I had asked for a divorce and insisted on couples' therapy so we could better co-parent. 

2. We are going to try it again now that we both have been doing solo therapy for a while. I know his sexuality should be the main focus.

Agreed. 

3. Any advice on what I should talk about in couples therapy to make sure we don't go off track and avoid letting him to put a spin on reality?

Difficult. Most gay-in-denial husbands have been "spinning" reality since 5/6 years old. Perhaps you could forewarn your marriage counsellor that: a. Your husband is likely gay; b. He might also suffer from narcissistic personality disorder. 

4. Remember I caught him on hookup sites twice and found years of on and off CL ads under men seeking men. And we've had a sexless marriage for the last couple years.

As I've shared before, no one spends so many years on a hook up site like CraigsList without acting on it. Here is another, non-sexual example. Imagine your husband spent all of his time browsing websites about baking cookies, watched endless YouTube videos about baking cookies, was part of a cookie-baking online forum, shared endless cookie-related messages via that forum, and then you caught him "flour-handed" in your kitchen. Would you believe his "I just baked cookies once" excuse? Of course not. There is zero difference between my rather harmless cookie example and your husband's gay past. He admits to being bisexual, spent years on gay porn, and also exchanged messages with other men on a gay hook up site. So his "I was curious, it happened once, and I didn't like it" excuses are likely bullsh*t. A straight wife so deeply wants to believe her husband is straight that she can often get caught up in his fuzzy logic. HOWEVER, if you a couple is no longer having sex, husband is jerking off to gay porn, and he's trolling gay hook up apps/sites, all of this leads to one conclusion: gay.  

5. One thing I forgot to mention before is that he was never into oral sex also. He never liked giving it because he wasn’t into women’s vagina much and more into boobs and butt.  And he didn’t like receiving it because I made it uncomfortable by talking about. (Which I never got). 

Thank you for sharing this Mimi. I reckon you'll start remembering these very important details as his control over you weakens. I think it's a very good sign that you're sharing these kinds of clues. 

6. So far he has admitted to being bisexual (he first said it was only curiosity). But he says his attraction to men is very little and has promised me that he's never met anyone except one in person.

Well he's admitted some attraction to men, which is a start. And you've already caught him in a lie: "I've never met anyone...well except that one time I met someone." Such is the logic of a gay-in-denial husband (GIDH). Please keep in mind that he's likely terrified of coming out and losing his beard (you). As such, he'll probably say and/or do anything to stay closeted. 

7. His goal in couples therapy is for us to work on our marriage together but my goal is really to figure out if I do have a marriage left to save. I don't want to waste my time and regret it later but its a 14 year marriage and I want to make sure Im leaving it for a good reason. Any advice on how to handle the therapy is much appreciated. Thank you!

I think you're right to have clear goals before starting therapy. But I'd manage your expectations my friend and be prepared for some form of blame shifting. A GIDH often feels such overwhelming shame about being gay that he needs to blame others...often his wife. The most common GIDH blame shifts I've read about are along the lines of: "It's her fault I'm interested in men because she's:

a. Gained weight
b. Isn't affectionate/sexual enough
c. Is too affectionate/sexually demanding
d. I was molested as a child"

The crux of a GIDH's argument is, "I'm gay because of _______." 

So what's my point? Counselling won't likely be a quick fix for your either your relationship issues nor your husband's very deep sexuality issues. I'd suggest posting an "advice for marriage counselling" thread to get input from fellow straight spouses. I'd also suggest coming back often to update us about this phase of your relationship. I hope I've answered your questions. If not, please feel free to write again. Be well! 

Thank you Mimi for sharing. It takes a lot of courage to post here so I applaud you and the other straight spouses for sharing so openly and honestly. For every person posting here, I reckon there are dozens following and learning from our journeys. With regards to couples therapy, before your next session, I would take a moment and write down: 

1. Goals: What exactly you want from therapy
2. Rules: The rules for your therapy sessions (such as honesty; respect; actively listening; no blaming etc)
3. Timeline: How long and how frequently you plan to do couples counselling (ex: weekly for 3 months)

You can choose whether to share this information with your counsellor, your husband, or both. I believe doing so will set down some important guidelines while also helping you focus on the most important person here: you. In my opinion, the problem with gay in denial husbands (GIDHs), and with gay/straight relationships in general, is that the focus can sometimes be exclusively on the GIDH. This is wrong. While couples' therapy should be about working on honest communication and your relationship, GIDHs often see these sessions as "do or die" situations. In the GIDH's mind, he sometimes feels that he has to win each therapy session, or risk being outed. This is wrong because if there is a winner (the GIDH), there must inevitably be a loser (the straight wife). 

So what's my point? For any straight spouse going into couples therapy, please keep in mind that the onus should be on the GIDH to win back her love and trust. Put bluntly, he created this situation by lying, cheating, and fapping to gay porn. So he (not she) should do most of the heavy lifting to make it right. As such, I think it's very reasonable for the wife of a GIDH to be clear about her goals, set reasonable rules, and set a timeline. I hope that helps my friend. Please keep us all posted. 

Last edited by Sean (January 20, 2019 2:16 pm)

I’m going crazy trying to keep it together. We have been together 15 years, 3 kids and over the years I have found gay porn and buried my head in the sand! The last time it was a dick pic and selfie, so I asked who they were for and it’s for Grindr. That was my last straw. He is such a mess says he loves me and is attracted to me and all ways has been but he is just so confused and has been since a kid. I just don’t understand how he could be so attracted to me. Is it a lie. I just know he is gay and not bi. Says he loves me so much and doesn’t want to give up, but I can see he does, he is ready to explore. I’m just so confused. We are in separate rooms but are still in the same house, it’s been 4 days, I cried for 2 days straight I think... he says he is so confused because he has always loved me and it doesn’t feel wrong but he has these feelings. I’m so confused!