I'd second what Stronger says.  I was unhappy for so long because my GIDX had changed the basis of our marriage very early on by leaving our faith unilaterally.  Thus all that had brought us together and some of my aspirations were destroyed very early in the marriage.  Out of what I felt was loyalty, I accepted this as the new basis for the development of our family.  It was hard to lose my dreams about how our family would operate in the world.  But now I know this was all part of his sexuality and the guilt he felt.  He was distancing himself from everything that would hold him accountable for the acting on his SSA.  THAT was a big deal.  And I was very unhappy at that time, unsure about how I should go forward with a spouse that was rejecting the beliefs and culture we had together bonded under.  

I would guess it is very much related.  We are responsible for our own happiness.  A chestnut that is trotted out often, but sometimes that means we have to leave situations and people who don't contribute to that happiness or support our ideas of how to be happy!  

Wishing you luck! 

Yes, yes, yes to the idea that "the gay thing"/"the trans thing" are at the base of the problems in the marriage/relationship, whether or not the straight spouse is in the know.  And how could that not be the case?  If your spouse/partner is dishonest, with him/herself, with you, with the world, and cannot fully enter into the intimacy and partnership required to forge and maintain a healthy marriage bond, there will be tensions and difficulties in the marriage, guaranteed.  It's blameshifting, pure and simple, for them to suggest we "contributed" to the problems in the marriage.  Sure, we did, but the most basic problem--of which we were unaware, and so nothing we did could proceed from the knowledge that would enable us to address any local problem (we could never fix the main one!)-- was the unacknowledged fact of their not being straight.  And it's a certainty that because they were hiding their sexuality they were compartmentalizing, developing a warped personality, and subtly manipulatiing us, which resulted in unhealthy dynamics and patterns in the relationship/marriage.
   Stronger, it's rich, isn't it, that on the one hand your ex wants to proclaim hir superior state and ecstatic happiness, and yet to also blame you for "making" hir cross-dress and become trans.  Just another way to blame you when hir fantasy of a carefree life as woman doesn't translate to reality and ze finds hirself unhappy.  So it must be STRONGERTHAN'S fault--because these freaks always have to be the faultless victims.  (I use these gender free pronouns for transgendered folk, because I refuse to agree, even linguistically, that people can change sex, or that it's ok for men to appropriate woman or elevate a femininity that has done nothing but cause me problems all my life.)
  Lolita17, the "silent treatment" is abusive manipulation, so I hope you don't fall for it and feel the pressure to consider yourself at fault or let yourself be manipulated.  Good step, to leave him on his pouting own and go out with a friend.  

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (January 7, 2019 1:00 pm)

StrongerThan,
 Yes, "noble sausage" indeed.  I laughed so hard at that column, because it fits my ex to a T.  I've been on the receiving end of his pitying condescension; he's so put upon but so willing to take it because I, poor beknighted neanterthal heterosexual, need the largesse of his enlightened non-binary multiplicity, despite how I've hurt him by leaving the marriage (that he blew up with his announcement he was going to transition to be the woman he was meant to be...although as it turned out there seemed to be several women in there all simultaneously asking to be "brought into being").  
   And yes, the illogic is breath-taking, right down to the grammatical (I also refuse the nonsensical use of plural pronouns for one person).