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January 5, 2019 12:39 pm  #1


Before That Decision-Talk. I feel alone...

Hi Everyone,

Sarah here and first of all, I would like to say already thank you-s for some other posts I read in other threads, and the kindness of you all. It really encouraged me to write my own post! :-)

So, I am just one or two days before telling the man whom I once thought to be 'love of my life' that I would like to end our formal tie... Our background: we are both youngish, me still in my 20s, been together for only about two years. It was a whirlwind meeting and 'romance' and moving in and saying yes came quickly. Also because all we've had was each other, after many rough years in our growing up on each side, with little to no family support remaining. We have been childfree, by choice (none of us is the parenting type). 

There were many red flags, looking back, that Chris (not his real name, for privacy reasons) might be gay. To begin with, he was nearly 30 when we met and he had not have a single relationship with girl/s. He explained to me that he was desperately in love with a girl from his childhood and that he was waiting for her for several years, that he admitted his feelings to her twice, with some gap, but she said 'no' and that broke his heart and contributed to him leaving his town. I always thought that to be a very strange story, but I myself was in love in vain in the past, sometimes for years, so... I guess I looked that over. Then, one of the first dates we went out together, he lent me his phone to use the camera on it for photos, and I found a picture message stored away in its memory, with a message. The image showed a cartoon guy, waiting in the gents' toilet, ready to jump on the first visitor and ####. The message contained a word-play with Chris' name, in the context of him being a horny gay guy. I was shocked, to say the least! We were to enter a fancy restaurant, so I waited till the end of the meal and told Chris this is cyber bullying, why is he holding on to this? I should have been a lot more aware at that point because he was not even upset... He simply told me that one of his 'friends' in the past was being silly, that's all. I almost fainted from my seat. I asked him, how come that he considers this person a 'friend', after all this?? Again, he remained calm, but I think he blushed some and I told him, this could be reported, the person, for online hate crime. Christ was more than surprised. He did not go into any further communication that day about the 'subject' and I dropped it too. After all, we just met. I was the first girl he ever kissed, at his age 28 and when it happened, to be honest, it just did not feel right. He was more than nervous and I had to hold his hand all the time... 

The same year, 2017, we tied the knot, just after months of knowing each other, we were so close in heart and soul. As for intimacy, he always remained 'dry' , in more than one meaning of the word and he also started to do a lot of playful touching on me, instead of the gentle, dedicated touches of a man in love. Tickling, poking, teasing, always ending in a very nervous laughing on his end. We spent Christmas 2017 with his relatives, and there, to my surprise, I noticed that he was doing the very same ticking stuff to his now grown up female cousin, for whom he was always like the big brother, because of the large age gap. I was very surprised. The more I was listening to him talking about the little cousin, I started to realize that he is very brotherly with me as well. The other big red flag was, or at least it should have been, looking back, his relation to other men, even those of his age. Since we were both fresh in our town, I encouraged him to make new friends (he has PTSD, so I thought that must be it). I noticed that all the friends he made around were females, and when we visited some of them, he was very eagerly touching them on their backs and arms, without any manly looks or reaction. It was more like 'sisters'. I felt really weird watching it. When I asked him, how is it that he developed all these friendships with girls without dating, but no friendships with guys, Chris just told me he finds that girls are more open minded and less judgemental. He kept on telling me that a lot of people were 'judging' him in his home town but his close childhood male friends, with whom he grew up with, always remained open minded and they could talk about 'anything'.

I very desperately wanted to settle with a guy because in 2013 I had a very painful ending to a relationship where I was ready to commit (that man got rid of me, gas lighting and all, fully broke my heart) and in 2011 I already had a broken engagement, due to becoming abused. So when I met Chris in 2017, all I was focusing on was what I wanted to hear, kind of :-( These many comments about him being 'judged' in the past, and that he only liked to hang out with 'open minded' people, should have raised my suspicion! When I confronted him about not having male friends in town at all, he simply told me that he's very 'selective'. But when he finally made one guy as a friend where we live, that didn't make things better either, because every time they spent time together, Chris came home either very distant or completely out of his mind (frustrated). When I finally got the chance to spend time with the both of them, I noticed that this friend was almost as ''feminine'' as Chris and my partner totally transformed in his presence. He was full of smiles, quick glances at the buddy all the time, he crossed his legs a hundred times... Unfortunately, I started to notice the same reaction from Chris to some other males we were around, even in formal places. Just this week I accompanied Chris to a medical appointment and I'm not kidding, he was technically flirting with the male nurse after the nurse helped to put him at ease, his cheeks becoming more and more red, in front of my very eyes. I was genuinely happy for Chris, I have to say!

In the past one years Chris averted or avoided every and any conversations about his sexual orientation. I feel that I'm left with no choices. I stopped wearing my ring this past December and last week I told Chris that I love him and I don't mind living together, but I am not sure any more that I love him enough for a marriage. Last year I still thought that I would probably be able to live together with him like this, we have a nice and secure home, together we earn good, we adopted a pet that we love as our 'baby', and so on. But the end of last year I fell in love with a heterosexual man. I doubt that the person knows about it and it's not the point! :-) The point is that... I am coming to the conclusion: I cannot emotionally castrate myself for the rest of my life. I am still young. I went through a couple of terrible, terrible relationship with men in the past, before Chris and it was easier for me to settle with Chris, as he's naturally very caring and usually gentle.
 
But now I feel... especially after telling him last week why I stopped wearing the ring... that I must tell him I want to end our tie, or otherwise I think I will slowly explode... probably.
I feel like I was his little (or big) sister, cohabiting with him for emotional stability, basically shielding him from facing his own reality.
And now blocking myself from ever meeting My Man...

Often I feel that he's more feminine than me :-) :-P and I am not even able to kiss him on the lips any more, apart from a second long dry kiss. Other than that, it feels somehow wrong, like I was kissing my own brother. I cannot help but recall how he is when around some other men, it just pops on my mind. 
We are very very close with Chris emotionally and we are the closest family we have now, for each other, too. (We don't have many common interests or goals.)

I still feel that... this formal tie has to go between us. Because it's a lie.

I feel so alone and confused sometimes these days...

This past Christmas, when Chris and I were out in town, the place we visited for leisure time had some leaflets placed in the hall. Chris picked up the LGBT program, from all of the stuff there and told me, 'Look!'. I felt weird but also relieved and just told him we can come around to the next meeting if he wants to. He said 'okay' and nothing more.
A few days from that, we were watching a sci-fi together at home in which there was a strange male alien. I commented, trying to joke, saying who would pick this guy as a partner? Then Chris said: ''I would. I'm sure my parents would understand my choice.'' He meant is as a joke but... You know. 

Any comments? Any ideas?

I could really use some encouragement :-( :-( :-( 

I feel kinda lost.


Sarah

 

Last edited by SarahCleary (January 5, 2019 1:06 pm)

 

January 5, 2019 4:09 pm  #2


Re: Before That Decision-Talk. I feel alone...

Sarah,

Sounds like you are doing the right thing. You will feel so much better when you definitively make the stand to him that you are ready to move on. Sounds like you might be able to remain friends with him, but both you and him will be happier with someone who loves and cares for you for who you are.

Good luck. Keep us posted.

 

January 5, 2019 11:29 pm  #3


Re: Before That Decision-Talk. I feel alone...

Hi Sarah, you are definitely doing the right thing. It doesn’t sound like this came out of the blue and you were side-swiped. From what I gleaned from your timeline, it seems you found out pretty quickly. Not that time with someone doesn’t grow fast, but you were able to find out sooner than later. It sounds like you are very young and already know what to look out for. The irratability is a big sign. For myself, the biggest sign was the irratability and pushing away physically. My husband is a recovering alcoholic and pushed down his true self through years of drinking. A few years into Sobriety was the hard part of him, putting down the drink was the easier aspect.
Keep coming back for support. Find a therapist and keep yourself busy with social activities. You are on your way.

 

January 6, 2019 7:56 am  #4


Re: Before That Decision-Talk. I feel alone...

Thank you so much for both of your posts!! :-)
The thing is that my attraction to another, heterosexual man that I know, and feeling for him quite strongly, even if on a platonic base, is more and more evident as the days pass (finally feeling like a natural woman when thinking of that person, I can't hide that!) and Chris is not giving a heterosexual man's reaction to my feelings for another man either, kind of. We even talk about it, without naming what's going on for me.
I think: everything is sort of out in the open, for both of our sides...
But yes, I would definitely like to remain close friends with him, we are like siblings, 'twins', to be honest.

I agree that my youth-factor is helpful as for what should happen, no children either and yes, I kind of know what I need to do.
It's just hard to actually say it to Chris... He's such a feminine-sensitive 'girlie' guy, so easy for him to lose balance emotionally. 

I was building up for The Talk for a couple of weeks now... I even put the ring away to a box already...

Chris is at the moment out with his 'one male friend' in our town... 

I am kind of thinking about telling him when he gets back home. 

:-(
 

Last edited by SarahCleary (January 6, 2019 7:56 am)

     Thread Starter
 

January 6, 2019 7:58 am  #5


Re: Before That Decision-Talk. I feel alone...

Thanks Jupiter :-) 
I have a therapist that I see every second week, and I fully kept that lady in the loop so far. Thankfully, going back to see her this coming week...!
I also signed up for some extra activities for January, so we will see.


HeyJupiter wrote:

Hi Sarah, you are definitely doing the right thing. It doesn’t sound like this came out of the blue and you were side-swiped. From what I gleaned from your timeline, it seems you found out pretty quickly. Not that time with someone doesn’t grow fast, but you were able to find out sooner than later. It sounds like you are very young and already know what to look out for. The irratability is a big sign. For myself, the biggest sign was the irratability and pushing away physically. My husband is a recovering alcoholic and pushed down his true self through years of drinking. A few years into Sobriety was the hard part of him, putting down the drink was the easier aspect.
Keep coming back for support. Find a therapist and keep yourself busy with social activities. You are on your way.

 

     Thread Starter
 

January 6, 2019 8:04 am  #6


Re: Before That Decision-Talk. I feel alone...

Yes, Jaybird, I think you've totally hit the nail on its (multiple) head(s)...
We, Chris and I, have both been through a lot while growing up and then especially during adolescence, and I believe we attracted each other in, to our life stories, in an attempt to try to start to heal those deep emotional trust-wounds and to - for our different reasons - hide from the gender we are both attracted to: males :-)
Me because of my 2013 big heartbreak and Chris because of his totally closeted being. And I think we did heal a big great deal together, our Inner Children. And I'm forever grateful for that <3

But I feel now... if we 'overdo' this, that wonderful healing might be almost undone by expectations we cannot live up to.
Also, like I said, we don't share much in common either (another trait that would be necessary for any successful marriage). 
And when I read your words about being with someone who would love us for what and who we are, I had to admit that I've never yet had that in a romantic relationship in my adult life
I think about that a lot these days and I think it would be wonderful to experience it.


Jaybird wrote:

Sarah,

Sounds like you are doing the right thing. You will feel so much better when you definitively make the stand to him that you are ready to move on. Sounds like you might be able to remain friends with him, but both you and him will be happier with someone who loves and cares for you for who you are.

Good luck. Keep us posted.

 

Last edited by SarahCleary (January 6, 2019 8:06 am)

     Thread Starter
 

January 6, 2019 1:06 pm  #7


Re: Before That Decision-Talk. I feel alone...

Update: I did it, today, Sunday. I didn't want to go back to work tomorrow, still spinning in the same type of lie. I was waiting for Chris (again, not his real name) to come back from his day trip with the one male friend he has here. 
I had plenty of hours to prepare today and I put my ring back to its original packaging box too, wrapping it around with a golden ribbon - for The Talk. Yesterday I even asked for a sign that would clearly tell me when it is time for this conversation or announcement and I found one single piece of golden beige crop on my grass - in the middle of winter. So I just knew it is time...

So, they came back together from the countryside. My two lovely 'softie' guys and I am genuinely happy for Chris coming so alive in his company every time, looking at his friend so playfully... I love both of them genuinely and I also like that they share so many interests so no hard feelings.

We invited his friend in, sat down, had a pleasant talk, really good time, so much so that I was even considering postponing The Talk with Chris! :-)))
But then... as we were talking, Chris actually patted his male friend near the guy's butt, sitting next to each other on the sofa, in front of my eyes.
I thought, without anger, enough is enough: could I really live together with 'this' forever in marriage?
The instant answer was 'No'.

I actually thought, I wish I had someone to sit next to me on the sofa and be with him like Chris has been with this friend... <3 <3 <3 

Anyway, as soon as the friend left, I grabbed the ring-box from the bedroom, sat down next to him on the sofa, the very same soft where his male friend  was sitting just some minutes ago and told Chris something like:
'I need to give this back to you. (I placed the box to his tummy.) There is no one I love more than I love you (true for now!) but I also need to be fair. I would walk in to the fire for you, I would die for you if I'd have to but I want to be fair. I don't want to kick you out (we are living in my house), I don't want to explode any of our arrangements, I love what we created here but... I also want to be fair.'

All the while, while I was talking to Chris, I felt a great and gentle warmth spreading in my chest and in my belly. I am an angels-person and I felt the angels were supporting me through this talk and were verifying/guiding every word I said O:-) That was very useful because I was so scared initially!

Chris took everything very calmly, at least on the outside, and since I told him I would love to keep the ring as it's been symbolizing something special between him, me and the dogs, he just softly told me to keep it then. I'm very grateful for that. This ring has been part of my life, every day, for almost twenty months. Even though now I know running to tie a tie so fast was kind of silly. 

Chris didn't protest or said anything against what I said and I know he knows that I deeply love him.

So, that's it, as for The Talk. At least The Talk 1.0 .

We are both youngish, with no common investments, no children, no relatives close so I think for now we're just going to continue living together in my house, while ceasing the formal tie.
I don't have anyone else to hold on to as family, other than Chris, we have raised this dog together and I don't know for now what I would do in my house alone?

It is sad here at home right now but I already feel relieved.

I was spending great amounts on online comfort-shopping and was chewing the skin of my lip off, often to bleeding, several times in the past two months. (Also today, before I talked to Chris so it hurts again, damn :-P )

I want peace finally and feel that I don't have to be tied down to the firs man that comes around and is willing to tie a tie, just because I was raised a certain way and just because I already had failed relationships in the past.

More and more I feel that I just want to dig out my wounded inner goddess from under the ruins and debris that being got rid of by a man I deeply loved dropped on me, in 2013.

Since then, I denied most or even all of my feminine feelers from 'existence'.

I want this madness to end and to, somehow, feel again that it's okay to be a woman and not a constant danger-state that threatens with ruining my life every time I fall in love.
That man in 2013 was a possible Narcissistic because he was gaslighting me a lot when he sent me off and unfortunately, he was my first serious love as a grown up woman.
Running to formal arrangements with my Chris, despite suspecting he was actually into men from an early stage, was my pain-response to Life as a woman.

Now I want my healing.
Now I want my story to be different.


And Chris to be happy with whomever makes him happy in romantic love, when it comes.

Thank you again fellows, you have made The Talk so much easier for me to happen and I will definitely keep on posting here.

 

Last edited by SarahCleary (January 6, 2019 5:30 pm)

     Thread Starter
 

January 6, 2019 4:29 pm  #8


Re: Before That Decision-Talk. I feel alone...

Well done Sarah, wishing you every happiness as you go forward.  You are a goddess and sometimes we need a little space and love - even if platonic as you have with Chris -  to heal from heartbreak.  But well done for being honest and true to your needs and to your future.  Good luck! 

 

January 6, 2019 5:27 pm  #9


Re: Before That Decision-Talk. I feel alone...

Thank you so much Leah :-)
Yes, I will be working on 'reviving' that Goddess part in me, that I caved in years ago, way before Chris.
I am, platonic ways, in love with a heterosexual man at the moment that I met the last quarter of 2018 and I still see him time to time due to my duties. I don't think any concrete would ever come out of it BUT I cherish the experience because that man moves the natural woman in me, something that was, obviously, lacking with Chris (the more time passes the more I believe that Chris is gay).

There is a strange, sad and confused atmosphere in our home at the moment... Chris is getting sort of more depressed, following my announcement today afternoon that I would like to cease our formal tie but that he's more than welcome to live in my house.
Yet, guess what, he already took off our status on FB - before I did!!

I was the one who was pushing for tying the tie so early, too early to our relationship, he was actually a lot more rational and logical than me, he was not rushing.
I wish I was a lot less driven by my fear of failure back then, in 2017. It hurts...

I won't be able to redo that but... I think I can continue to heal my wounded inner goddess from 2013. 
And I so hope that Chris and I will remain close. I cannot imagine my days without him, at least for now.
He's my best friend and definitely a soulmate, a kindred spirit of mine. (Just not romantic love.)

I am hopeful <3
But also very sad and disappointed at the moment...


Leah wrote:

Well done Sarah, wishing you every happiness as you go forward.  You are a goddess and sometimes we need a little space and love - even if platonic as you have with Chris -  to heal from heartbreak.  But well done for being honest and true to your needs and to your future.  Good luck! 

 

Last edited by SarahCleary (January 6, 2019 5:28 pm)

     Thread Starter
 

January 9, 2019 5:34 am  #10


Re: Before That Decision-Talk. I feel alone...

Hi Sarah,

fingers crossed things work out for a close friendship with 'Chris'  - if it doesn't don't be dismayed.  You are doing great.  From his perspective he might like his closet, he might not want a friend who thinks of him as gay - you might get discarded again - so pull back, and can I suggest you don't talk about the gay with him and see what he is comfortable with.  

You have dodged a bullet.  you are doing great.  Don't worry about your family problems you'd be amazed how stuffed up most families are!  You have a good result from the genetic lottery haven't you, and it's who you are that carries you through life.   

wishing you lots and lots of good fortune, all the best, Lily

 

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