Dear Confused123,

Listen to the wonderful advice of Cameron.  And Kel and the others here.  My GIDX admits to being bi-sexual to having 25? encounters over the course of our 27 year marriage which according to him "wasn't that regular"

 Now that we are divorced he is still saying he is done 'with all that' and that he is excited to be totally honest with any new partners....thinks he will remarry - though he has already had one girlfriend and broken up with her and she told him 'he was still in love with his ex wife" and "it seems you divorced like angry children over nothing"

SOOO obviously she didn't know what he was up to and he makes it seem like our divorce was over straight-forward sort of incompatibilities....Never mind that we were 'best friends'  (yea only my best friends was a liar and cheat) He says he is 'on the spectrum' but is male....uh yea well....he is male, notice he doesn't say hetero!

He doesn't want to tell his family or anyone about what he has admitted to me.  He wants us to be friends.  Says he still loves me.  But we are no contact.  And he is in deep denial - none of his family know.  He was upset that I told our three sons!!  I feel angry that he still acts the injured, rejected party because OMG I didn't want to spend the rest of my life A.) remembering that every memory was tarnished as I now have the filter of 'WTF was he up to and when" - every family photo and holiday....  And/or  B.) me looking at his phone etc. for the rest of our married life to check on him.....which he offered as if that was the solution....it is a complete mind-bending situation for me as a devoted and faithful for 27 years wife.   I ignored the gay porn early on....explained away as curiousity....I even let the gaydar profile slide....well actually I didn't really.....but actually the affair with a woman really knocked me out of the relationship because I thought somehow that he was always telling the truth.....

LESSON BEING.....NEVER EVEN ASK A QUESTION, BECAUSE IT WILL BE ANSWERED WITH A LIE!  RUN....HAIR ON FIRE HAIR ON FIRE.....

But that doesn't mean it is easy, I am still broken-hearted.  I am mostly alone.  I met someone online, but they live in another city, so that has it's own torments and doubts because after this how can I ever really trust anyone again...and then there is the crazy that still sometimes have moments of wishing I could have him back.  It is hard. so hard to get your head around....wishing you every ounce of strength you can muster to just decide what YOU want to do....don't bother asking him to admit anything....go with your gut....good luck.  

 

Confused 1,2,3 is what you are because that is where your husband want you to be. He loves traveling, and now you know it!  Closeted men often tell their wives that they hate to travel, but then why do men like them do it so much? They do It for sacrifice, for their job, for the family of course! Yet they have the personalities that are never  motivated to do anything they don't like! Why don't these men look for jobs without travel? The lies about sex keep us confused: "I'm too tired, I have a headache...a stomach ache. Why are you so demanding? I'm shut down. I'm stressed. I'm sad." It makes us think he's asexual. No, he's attracted to me. He wants men. You have the evidence. I'm sorry but you can never have a happy marriage with someone who lies and takes complete advantage of your goodness and naïveté, especially when you do not have the anatomy he craves. What does it matter what he labeles himself? He wants men more than he wants to be with you sexually. He's not asexual. He's a cheater.

You are not alone in this. Keep posting and reading this forum. You did nothing to deserve this.

Betsy wrote:

Also, do not go to counseling with a liar. It will keep you more confused and most counselors ambushed as to what's really going on.

This didn't make sense to me. If you know he's a liar, a) what are you waiting for, and b) wouldn't you go to counseling with him especially for that reason, and call him out on it, in front of the therapist?  if I had suspicions beyond reasonable doubt that my ex was lying to me and I could explain my suspicions in specific detail, that's exactly the kind of thing I would bring to therapy.  And then c) if that doesn't go anywhere, what more information do I need to get the hell out of that relationship?

I have a hard time letting a liar get away with it, if I know s/he is lying. 

Hello Everyone!

Thank you for your responses! So this is what's been going on lately! He went to see a sex therapist ! Every other week he's there! I went to a therapist as well and she said to take care of me! Yes I'm doing myself! Now about this marriage (( this is tough ! A few weeks ago I found d a pen drive with pics of cocks in it , with my husband wearing my underwear too! I confronted him about this pics and we went through each one individually.... He said he would meet the guy and they would performed oral sec on him or vice Versa ! I seen his cock there no denying that !!!! Daytime while he's suppose to be working he will meet these men! There were several sucking his cock!!! He stayed this was years ago ! The point here is that he did not say this to me! I figured it out anyways ! Still not coming clean with anything ! I'm the one who keeps finding things then having to confront him ! First it was the emails 10 yrs ago then him texting men last year then a pic with him sucking cock! That was the cake on the icing ! The proof I was waiting for all these years ! Now I found the proof and I'm still in shock ! Why can't he tell me this ??? So he kept saying he was sick ! He didn't know what he was doing ! When he gets depressed this is what he did! He said he has stop this as of last year ! Hard to believe! I told him let's have an open relationship he said no! This is so hard for me (( I'm trying so hard to block this and move on and take care of me for the sake of the kids ! 4 kids under 13!!!! They live him so much but don't know who he really is ( things are not the same ! We hardly talk except about the kids ! I feel positive about me ! I'm 41 sexy and attractive !!!! Not sure what to expect ... I don't believe or trust anything he tells me ! I want to join a meet up tax group near me a salsa meet up as well ! Need to do things that makes me happy ! le me know what you's think !!!!

C123 - if you have the means financially to separate, do so now.  The kids are young, they will recover. 

Whether you realize it or not, his behavior is endangering you and your family.  I forget, are these men coming to your home or is he going to them?  And even if he goes to them, how long before one of them follows him home or falls in love with him and stalks him.  The risks here go far beyond your health and STDs.  I've said it here before and I'll say it again:  My first experience with TGT was at 19 when my 62 year old neighbor decided to pick up a gay man at a gay bar while his wife was out of town.  He was murdered in his own home with nothing more than a table lamp, right next to my bedroom window.  He was robbed, and the family's car was stolen.  This was a nice family in a nice neighborhood in a suberb where no crime ever happened.  Now....fast forward to today....in the positions we are all in, it could have happened to any of us.

Start to make plans and I don't mean plans to just join a group for temporary happiness while your hubby is out getting blow jobs. These groups are a great first step though!  You already know you're 41 and sexy .  I think once you start to get out of the house and have a little change of scenery, things will start to fall into place with moving forward.  Now all you have to do is see where you are financially.  You can make it work. 

Last edited by Still Wondering (September 2, 2016 11:27 am)