I have the perspective of leaving and divorcing with the discovery of my GH, ITC, TH and am about 2 months past initial discovery. While still living together he is visiting public cruising spots and lying that he hasn't been doing so, leaving trails of cruising websites on line. Displaying anger and displeasure at having to make a support arrangement for our divorce. It is confusing in the least, and disrespectful in the most since my expectation was to be married to a heterosexual. It is like meeting someone I didn't know after 18 years of marriage for the first time. And it explains so much that was missing in the last 5 years - and in retrospect throughout our marriage. I am focusing on myself, learning about co-dependancy, moving out (in 6 weeks-packing now), have secured a new lease, moving close to my children who are supporting me 100%. The hiding-lying-passive/aggressive behaviour is too much for me to handle. I respect myself and understand my boundaries. I wish you the best while going through this difficult journey and can only say "put yourself first" and "be kind to yourself". None of this is your fault.

Control,
 I'm not a therapist, nor am I credentialed in psychology.  I did a quick search online, and discovered that to become a certified therapist in sex addiction you must already have some therapist credentials (there are a number of fields that credential for therapy, including Nursing, Sociology, and Psychology).  The training is to my eyes a pretty short course: four weeks of approximately 40 hours of training.  I have no idea what evidence-based research says about such therapy (is it effective? based on sound scientific rsearch?), but I do know that therapists, like other practitioners in other fields, vary widely in their personalities and competence.  So it could be your husband's therapist, yes; but it equally could be what your husband is telling you his therapist says.  In the long run, though, the real question is "Is the situation in your marriage acceptable to you?"  If you are planning to end the marriage, maybe your working strategy ought to be to avoid becoming entangled in your husband's attempts to engage (gaslight or confuse) you; these attempts are justifications on his part meant to wear down your resolve (and preserve his closeted life).  

Oh and I had a therapist who nearly wet herself when I asked her to see us both.  She was so excited to work on his sex addiction....and guess what he said when I suggested he go..."IF IT WILL HELP YOU...!!!"  That's when I realised that there was never going to be a conversation when this wasn't about me!  Denial is so thick on him....  needless to say, I got another therapist....

Dear Control,  

Self-centered liar for sure.  It is the lies and betrayals that really are the killer actions.  No regard for the damage and then all the regret and tears are only about themselves.  I remember Kel saying how these are not the actions of a best friend, because so many of us think of our spouses as our best friend, our number one person in the world.  And they are simply NOT returning the love, loyalty and devotion that they have received.  It is the actions of a LOSER for sure... 

I post when I start to feel like contacting my GIDX.  It is hard to not turn to him still and expect that we can have a conversation about our sons or his family (his mother is ill) but I know now from experience that any contact is just so painful for me.  I have to keep reminding myself that this person I married is no longer alive.  It is a grief that surprises me, but it is to be expected this time of year.  Feeling all the feels is tough.  And it is sad when the mask comes off and we see clearly what we are dealing with is not love, but abuse.  To deceive someone and then make it about them is abusive behaviour.  Emotionally and spiritually abusing our love and devotion to them for literally years while they expect sympathy and understanding endlessly for their 'problem.'  It is just so one-sided.  Be on your side!  

Last edited by Leah (January 6, 2019 4:10 pm)