Jen, my ex-husband was sexually abused as a child and we spent years with various counselors - usually at my instigation - trying to get closeness &communication into our marriage. The focus always changed to poor damaged him and I was encouraged to be strong.

He is my ex because when the children were grown, his parents were dead and he'd had a health crisis he announced he was gay and wanted a divorce. My advice is to get a counselor only for you and quit this one. Why he is sexually attracted to men doesn't matter as far as marriage: you don't have what he wants. He told friends when we divorced that we grew apart. I told my friends that we were divorcing because I didn't grow a part.
 

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Last edited by Estella Oculus (May 1, 2019 10:21 am)

jen wrote:

gonzo2000,

I am very sorry if it came across that I think "typical cheating" is somehow less than our situations. I really just meant that it is SO very different, and I wish that my counselor would have treated it as such. My therapist basically told me that my husband is the victim. She told me (with him in the room) that statistics have shown . . . individuals who are sexually abused between birth and age 5 tend to question their sexual orientation; individuals who are sexually abused between the ages of 6-?? tend to act out sexually. (My husband began being abused at age 4 and continued to be until he was 12 . . . so you can do the math here.) The message that I got is that I should feel sorry for what my husband did (to me), because he couldn't help it. In our 2nd session, she told us that her husband cheated on her (with another woman, mind you) and that she forgave him and they are stronger today because of it. She looked at me and said, "The ball is in your court, Jen. Will you forgive your husband and work this out? Or will you choose to end this relationship. I can guarantee you that the 2nd option will be far more difficult." (THE BALL IS IN MY COURT? I don't think so  . . . I LOSE either way. I live with distrust and fear for the rest of my life OR I simply lose everything. These don't seem like terrific options.) Sometime during the session I said that I really wish my husband had been honest with me about his past before we were married. The therapist replied, "He was afraid that he would lose you. We can only imagine what a tough position he was in." (Who knows, I may have still married him, but I was never allowed to have the 'ball in my court' when the game was fair.) 

Jes, run from that therapist as fast as you can. You need to find one that deals with trauma. Specifically, betrayal trauma. 

As mine told me, we can appreciate and understand the struggle our spouses have lived with their entire lives, but none of that changes what they did to us. They didn't just "forget" to mention their past. They made active choices to not mention it or to minimize it. They actively hid things, and each time they did it was a betrayal to us. 

And as to the explanation that they didn't tell us because they were afraid of losing us.... I call bull. My spouse presented himself to me as a heterosexual male with strong Christian values. During that dating phase, I shared my skeletons with him. I knew that things in my past could have been a "deal breaker" something that would have made him walk away, but I still told him because I loved and respected him enough and felt he had a right to know. However, he never loved or respected me enough to reciprocate. 

Can a marriage last? I don't know. I guess it depends on what you want from a marriage.