Please, 

Can some of you with kids who have lived through this tell me your story?

The hardest thing is the kids, 

and my lack of control over what they are feeling. 

They are 10&11. They grew up with a mother who has become increasingly distant when she is living her life, and still tells them she wants to be with them when she is with them. It's a lot of promises and no follow up.    

When we were married, she would take multiple vacations a year with her work-mentor. She would tell the kids the family would go on vacation next, and her trips were for work or needed breaks so she could refresh. She would say things like you have fun with your friends, I just want to spend time with mine. When the family never took vacations, never got to the time she promised later she would point to something we did do, and tell them it was it, we did it, or mom had to work, but wanted to. 

UGGGG, I always explain it with context, because it's crazy 

to the point, 

my gay in-the-closet ex doesn't tell my kids she is going to be gone and distant before she leaves and becomes distant, she tells them the opposite, she acts like a mother. When she comes back she tells them she misses them very much and wishes she could have been there, that it's been hard on her too, and it's the divorces' fault.  

I tell them she must be doing exactly what she wants to do. She lives 1 block away and tells them they will be able to see her whenever they want. and she doesn't tell them she wont be there. 

I've asked for a simple, to the kids, hey, I'm going out out town for awhile. You can call me.

She leaves with on warning, doesn't call unprovoked, might text, and blames others for not calling her if no one talks.    

How do I make this easier on my kids. how do they get a semblance of a normal life. 

I get that my ex wife was abused by family and society, and has to move on.

I get that I was abused by my ex wife, and has to move on

What about them. My kids, should they just be thankful they were born? and have a depth of understanding about it? They have their everyday kid life to process, and that is hard enough. 

My ex is a child too.

I was a stay at home parent in this mess for 8 years, 
In that time My ex's salary grew to 300k + and I was supposed to return to work with $ support and parental support. I get 5000k a month, enough to cover most of the monthly expenses. and on days that she has the kids, I can work, but she sends them back with piled up homework. (her response is to ask the teacher to assign less)


so big picture, abused gay closet ex wife who isn't ready to do anything about it besides take off 

abused straight spouse, who doesn't care if he is abused, as long as it doesn't affect his job and ability to raise his kids (but it does)

And kids that deserve not simply a life without abuse, but a life with support from people that can put the kids  needs first in honest thoughtful ways. 

Can anyone tell me if they pulled this off and how?

Did you out the gay ex and go full nuclear

Did you double down on being the only adult, and did you burn out?

Did you take care of yourself, and did the kids figure out their lives on their own?

$ isn't a problem for anyone but me. and I can fake it for their childhood, but would be a flat broke 48 year-old if I did