Lolita17,
    Forewarned is forearmed so it is very good that you understand that what you are seeing is a maneuver to re-secure you to continue to serve as his cover (and perhaps to go on denying to himself his gayness).  
   As someone who did fall for this tactic, which let me in for two fat years of additional hurt and trauma bonding, and made leaving that much harder, I think you are right to be worried about the massage, and smart to understand that you are primed to respond because you are in fact starved for what it appears he is offering to you.  Remember that he is using what he knows of you--that you are starved for intimacy, that you have told him this--against you.  This is a tactic, and manipulation, and is predicated on a pattern of dynamics in your relationship. The task now is to be able to put into practice what you understand.
   I understand that it feels wrong to refuse (precisely because of that pattern), but I think there is a way to demur--that is, to say no by saying why you're saying no: "I'm not comfortable being intimate with you in that way," is one of them (or some temporizing variation such as "I"m not yet comfortable..." or I'm not comfortable being intimate with you in that way right now"), or, if your mind is made up to end the marriage, "It's no longer appropriate for us to engage in that kind of physical relationship."  I am sure you can think of others ("I'd like to see my counselor a few times to understand my feelings better.").  What you are doing in speaking to him is to cease to let him define the parameters, to move from reacting to acting, and to start drawing some self-protective boundaries. 
  You might even want to get on the phone and arrange with a friend to go out, or get out of the house, to put physical distance between you--a coffee shop, a movie, the gym, window shopping.  

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (January 2, 2019 11:53 am)

Thanks Mimi & outofHisCloset.  I actually went to visit my friend this afternoon and I told my story.  I felt so light after while I always tought that I would be ashamed and that I had to protect my husband and his secrets.  For the first time I m really questioning my life. Is it everything to have everything in the surface ? Don t get me wrong my husband has a big job with matching social status.  We have enough to live comfortably, but I still feel empty inside.  Seeing my counselor again last week helped me realize that my unhappiness is not linked to what I recently discovered but I was already unhappy long time ago.  Unhappy to the point I convinced myself that I do not needed to be happy.  What a fool I was.  Anyways thanks for your kind word.  I feel like I can now talk to him clearly about my boundaries and I will definitely do later.  It s hard to know that I will certainly hurt him but recognizing how hurt I was I definitely the only way to go through this.  

Thanks again for your support.  I actually fell in the trauma bonding trap yesterday.  I initially said no but probably not firmly enough so he kept going back.  We also had a long conversation 3 days ago where I asked more and more questions but his. answers are still the same.  I guess I wanted to believe it.  I ended up having a massage and some king of physical intimacy.  I told him that I could not have sex because I had a vaginitis and that he will need to buy condoms if he feels like having sex. I realize that I still need to feel like it is MY fault.  So I definitely need to go to see my therapist to get rid of that.  I realize it s not an easy path especially if you both still have feelings for each other.  So I think I need a better plan in term of how to protect myself from this.  

Having this moment of intimacy made me realize something actually.  I did not wanted emotional intimacy like kissing or hugging. Just physical relief.  I guess self-care can definitely help.  In my sexless life I considered many times having an affair.  I also have at least 2 very interested potential mates.  I m afraid it might lead me to more confusion and guilt.  Has anyone experienced this or maybe I could make a separate post for that ?

Wise words, I think, from Leah--Thanks! I needed them now, too.

lolita17 wrote:

Thanks Mimi & outofHisCloset.  I actually went to visit my friend this afternoon and I told my story.  I felt so light after while I always tought that I would be ashamed and that I had to protect my husband and his secrets.  For the first time I m really questioning my life. Is it everything to have everything in the surface ? Don t get me wrong my husband has a big job with matching social status.  We have enough to live comfortably, but I still feel empty inside.  Seeing my counselor again last week helped me realize that my unhappiness is not linked to what I recently discovered but I was already unhappy long time ago.  Unhappy to the point I convinced myself that I do not needed to be happy.  What a fool I was.  Anyways thanks for your kind word.  I feel like I can now talk to him clearly about my boundaries and I will definitely do later.  It s hard to know that I will certainly hurt him but recognizing how hurt I was I definitely the only way to go through this.  

Are you sure they aren't linked? 

My spouse actually tried to blame his cross dressing and transition on me by saying that I had checked out of the marriage long ago. Now, I never fully accepted blame for the trans thing because it was something my spouse did for a couple of decades before we even met, so to blame me is just ridiculous. The other part I was, at first, willing to accept some blame. See, while I hadn't checked out, I certainly wasn't making a huge effort anymore because I really was unhappy. I was just trying to hold on until retirement and hoped then we would be able to reconnect.

Then it hit me.... My pulling back was actually a reaction to my spouse distancing himself from me. He was spending huge amounts of time on message boards and who knows what else. I knew he was distracted and asked what was up many times, and each time I was told that it was something to do with work. (That is why I was holding out hope for retirement.) One time something happened and I KNEW he was being untruthful with me, so I never asked what was up again, and simply started to detach. 

So, even though I didn't know it at the time, that detachment (and unhappiness) really was because of the trans thing. My spouse was not yet out, but it was definitely taking a toll on our marriage. And now he is using that to blame me, but I am no longer accepting blame for ANY of it.

I don't know the details of your situation, and maybe your unhappiness truly isn't related to TGT. I just wanted to share because sometimes we don't connect things that happened before our discovery to what was still going on without our knowledge, but they can definitely still be related.