OurPath Open Forum
This forum is for discussion of issues related to Mixed Orientation relationships only, that is when one partner is heterosexual (straight) and one is Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Questioning.
If this does not apply to your topic, please find another forum.
* Opinions posted here, including that of the Administrator, are the poster's own and do not necessarily reflect the views or policies of OurPath.
* As a peer-to-peer network, any advice given is that of a peer, based on personal experience, and should not be considered professional in nature.
* Any discussion of LGBT related issues is acceptable provided it remains constructive and respectful of other viewpoints. Hateful, degrading, or prejudiced speech and/or personal attacks will not be tolerated.
NOTE: Due to recurring spam abuse, you must register to post.
This forum is hosted for free by Boardhost. Create your own free forum!
1 of 1- Mimi
- Member
Offline
What do you do with early morning thoughts and panic attacks?
Please tell me there’s hope. I’m beyond depressed this morning waking up on January 1st, having an entirely different year planned and now my world has changed at 36 years old.
It’s been 2 months since I’ve found out my GIDH’s history of being on gay hookup sites, posting and responding to ads and potentially cheating during our entire 14 year marriage, with men. He denies being gay and says he’s only bi. He wants me to make it work (now that I know).
I asked him to sleep in another room, but every morning that I wake up alone and am reminded that he’s in the other room and our lives has changed, I get panic attacks, all sorts of sad emotions to be honest to the point that some mornings I wish I just don’t wake up. I sometimes go crawl into his bed. I seek comfort from the very person who has caused my anxiety. He is very loving and caring right now which actually makes it worst sometimes. What do you all do in the mornings when all the negative feelings rush in?
Sometimes I like to also go back into my own denial and forget I know anything and move on but I can’t undo what I know. Sorry had to vent out this morning otherwise I’ll go crazy.
Last edited by Mimi (January 1, 2019 12:17 pm)
- lily
- Member
Offline
Re: What do you do with early morning thoughts and panic attacks?
you do what you've just done - write it out. then ease into the activities of the day.
And be kind to yourself at all times, make an effort not to be hard on yourself right now.
Your pillow is a good substitute when you're looking for that someone to cuddle, much like a teddybear worked when you were little.
At 36 you can feel you are on the edge of maturity but you have a lot of living to come. I know people who completely changed their lives in their 40's and had no problem doing it.
- gonzo2000
- Member
Offline
Re: What do you do with early morning thoughts and panic attacks?
I am so very sorry there are so many of us in this situation.
Feelings of inadequacy & loneliness? I listen to music. Discovered a CD by Shaina Noll, title: Songs For the Inner Child. In particular, the song, "How Could Anyone?"
I don't keep track of how often I listen to it. Suffice it to say, sometimes I need to hear the song numerous times. Sent for the CD via Amazon, it arrived within days. Have loaded it onto my cell-phone, ipod, & thumb-drive. Listen to it at night, when trying to sleep, whenever I am feeling lonely or inadequate, while doing the deep breathing exercises.
Even asked some caring friends to sing along to it with me and for a particular phrase (How deeply you're connected to my soul"), we lean in and we "lock" eyes...
And my therapist plays it during our session....
What you are going through does NOT have quick fix. It was 18 years ago that my GID told me that he "wanted to explore" his homosexual feelings. We had been married for 17.5 years and had 2 children (daughter 14 & son 10). Starting over has not been easy; I had already returned to school to upgrade my computer skills after being out of the paid work force for 14 years. By the time I graduated with the qualifications to work with children who have "special needs", I was 45. Though I had done extensive work as a volunteer in the school system during those 14 years, I was told that I was too old to be hired.
I had to cash in RRSPs in order to pay a lawyer to negotiate a "Settlement Agreement" because he claimed he didn't have any income as a self-employed businessman. But he had increased the mortgage on our home 4 years earlier to finance his new business.
I had no recourse but to accept employment in the "service & retail industries" which are part-time & minimum-wage ( with no medical benefits).
I too, had thoughts of suicide, but what about my children? Who would love them while their father was so self-obsessed?
I am now 61, and am hoping that 2019 will be better than 2018, when my daughter told me that her father was living with a man in another country. One thing I decided is that I no longer need to hang onto this house in which our son was born 28 years ago.
Gardening has helped during the past 18 years, but this past summer, I could not handle the back-pain anymore...
I hope this helps you, writing on this site has been helping me. I just wish I'd had this resource 18 years ago, when he first told me, I am sure it would have helped me then. But I guess it is better late than never...
Hugs to Mimi, and all those who visit this site... May 2019 have less "drama" than 2018 
- Rob
- Member
Offline
Re: What do you do with early morning thoughts and panic attacks?
Mimi,
I used to get up and follow a routine.. make coffee, get ready for work...even on weekends I would follow the routine. This would calm the panic and give me some purpose.
I would definitely take self care days (I still do ) where i would try to get my mind off things.
Give yourself a finite amount of time to think the thoughts and then move on with daily tasks and small positive things.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- Zoso
- Member
Offline
Re: What do you do with early morning thoughts and panic attacks?
Mimi,
I am about a month in to my wiife telling me she is gay. we still share a bed and I still cuddle up to her, it is a comfort to me. I still have the early morning thoughts and panic attacks, although they have been lessening lately. I am starting to understand that this is not my fault. We have been deceived by the person we loved the most, it has made us vulnerable, we question ourselves. The pain does get better, I did not believe it at first, but the support here has helped me through the early stages. Believe in yourself, you matter more than anyone. When you find love again, with a person who can love you back, you will look back on this as the path that led you to happinesses. I feel your pain more than you can realize, but please know that there is a future. One that will be as rewarding as you deserve.
- Mimi
- Member
Offline
Re: What do you do with early morning thoughts and panic attacks?
Thank you all so much! It really is a good feeling to know I’m not going through this alone. Thank you for sharing your stories with me.
Writing helps, I agree. What I tried doing today was to write down everything I want to tell my husband on paper. All my feelings. Then I threw it away. That way I don’t internalize. Like you said, I’ll try and give my thoughts a finite amount of time, then move on with my day. Wish you all the strength to let time heal.
- •
Thread Starter- gonzo2000
- Member
Offline
Re: What do you do with early morning thoughts and panic attacks?
Hi Mimi,
Writing has been helping me. I have lost track of how many letters to my GID I have written. Of course, I did not send them, even though it would have been very easy.
What helped me more, however, is including them during my therapy app't. Having a skilled professional has really helped me to recognize that my feelings have been valid as I have them. As I have progressed through the many stages of grief (and the ending of a deep relationship causes grieving), I have had mixed feelings. And I have revisited those stages numerous times, going deeper each time.
Mimi, (& all others) I am hoping you have a good therapist to help you rebuild your life to one that is more satisfying ,,,
- Leah
- Member
Offline
Re: What do you do with early morning thoughts and panic attacks?
Hi Mimi,
So much good advice here, and I too find that time of day is when I am most vulnerable. I used to journal in the mornings, but I find that the best thing (if I can manage it!) is to get showered and dressed and start my day. I wallowed in bed too long often because it was early, too early it seemed to start my day. But now in hindsight I see that staying in bed thinking was so unhealthy as my mind would just go to the pain of my being alone.
It is still so hard not to want to turn to my ex....after so long married and thinking him "my best friend" I still want to call and cry when I have to remember that he is so far from being a friend to me now. And that pain of betrayal comes up again. Seeing a therapist and having someone validate how really difficult this path is helps. I am now two years divorced and it is getting better slowly. I struggle to keep focused on the future as the past is so long and the questions feel so real.... I still can't believe that my GIDX could be so callous. And still is. So onwards and upwards.
Thanks for posting. and Lily and Rob and all the wise wounded are great resources here... ! x
Been here, wrote about it here
