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January 1, 2019 3:03 pm  #1


My mission is complete, I think.

My wife of 7 years has come out to me as a gay woman. This happened 2 days ago, and initially I was excited. My wife had hid her sexual orientation her entire life, and I was just so elated that she was being her true self, finally. And then it started to sink in, that this was the beginning of the end. I married her having a feeling that she only liked women, when I confronted her she told me no, she is pansexual. In my gut I knew she was lying, and I didnt care, I knew she needed my help.

We got married, and have 3 beautiful children together. We are the best of friends and do everything together. She also has an extremely rare sun allergy, which makes going outside painful if not impossible. And she has Borderline Personality Disorder, which comes with it's own list of problems. This combined with depression, anxiety, paranoia, and PTSD, on top of being closeted, makes for a very, very hurt and troubled human being. I have helped her through all of this, thrown my unrelenting support at her, and I don't regret any of my time and money that has gone towards her health.

And now she tells me she doesnt find men attractive. That she suffered through sex with me for my sake, for my happiness. She tells me she would imagine me as a woman, and that she likes the lights off to help her imagine this, instead of what she told me, which is she is insecure about her body. It makes me feel like I'm a terrible man, and a pretty amazing woman if I can get a lesbian to be with me.

I dont know what my identity is anymore, who I am or what I am, and if I even like myself. I am not upset with my wife, I am upset that we live in a world where men and women are put down, shamed, and disowned for liking members of the same sex. I am upset that this resulted in me being a part of a "lavender marriage" as it's been put. I chose this path....and now I dont know what to do.

My mission was to give this girl happiness, to help her feel safe, connected, and happy. To prevent her suicide and self harm practices. To give my life purpose as her protector, lover, and partner. She still needs all of this from me....and she says she wants everything to stay the same. I know things cant stay the same, our relationship will change. My mission is still the same, and I truly dont know how to go about it.

Thank you very much for taking the time to read my story.

 

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