Joan wrote:

Does it really have to be over?  Have any of you considered acceptance and trying to work out some sort of open relationship with your gay husband/wife.  We love each other and part of me wants to run but part of me wants to work it out no matter how difficult.  Maybe this forum isn't for me.  There seems to be a lot of anger, resentment, and frankly gay and partner bashing in these threads.  Is there any one out there that is making an open MOM work?311

The part of you wanting to run is your intuition and it's there for your survival.  There's no bashing going on-it's called honesty & not giving people in crisis lies to make them feel okay about an unacceptable situation.

I just exited a year and half of abuse and rage as we divorced. 

I knew it was over when I was shaking  trauma as she was out with her girlfriend...I realize the house, life we had, etc meant   nothing to her...she had no problem huring me.. I could take it anymore.

Over her...well I'm over her on many levels...but I can always look back in sadness and reverie.
But all I have to do is remember the abuse or her telling the court I couldn't care for my kid after I shared care for years. 

Over her..yeah I can do that.  I still love her on a conceptual level...but that person  she was is gone.  I have anger but being away from her I feel so lucky it usually squashes the anger. 

Will I be able to trust again and not fear...  Don't know.  She hurt me so much.. over and over.

Last edited by Rob (August 29, 2016 8:33 pm)

Joan, I think that sometimes too.  I have chosen divorce, but hope to have a cordial relationship with my now XGIDH.  No contact has helped me to get on a bit, but tbh I am feeling so bereft still.  I know I couldn't forget the past, the betrayals and yet moving on is proving very difficult for me.  I miss him dreadfully at times and it has now been a year post discovery.  I have been dating, but even that seems to just trigger a lot of sadness as everyone my age (52) has their divorce story, the guy I am dating is still not divorced, just separated recently and so it feels a bit raw to hear his story.  I guess I'm not ready, but then when will I ever be?

Someone said to me to have your heart broken is a rite of passage in life that makes you a grown up.  I feel a bit immature and weepy for a grown woman at times wailing at the loss and grief.  
 
Last night I rang GIDXH as I was feeling nostalgic and it often helps me to see how hopeless it is.   He has a new girlfriend, he has told 'everything' to.  She asked him on their third date if he had been with men as he is that gay in demeanor/looks. - or she has a sense of these things!   

I feel heavy hearted today.  It is starting to really sink in deeply now that this relationship is over.  We walked along life's paths together, but now it is time to walk separately.  I know this in my heart, but still I pine for the ease of relationship.  I feel like if he were single or with men I might feel better, but I think it really doesn't even matter what he is doing, it is just the split.  The gap in my life.  Children gone, it seems such a huge thing.  I'm not sure it is ever OVER....you just stop thinking about it everyday.  The triggers go.  At least that is what I am hoping.....

Hugs to all. 

 

My ex and I considered companionship, but I wasn't happy to accept the end of my sex life. Also we didn't have children, I wanted them and she wasn't sure. 

We did consider a MOM, but we couldn't work out a compromise we would both be happy with it. 

What it came down to for us was how long would we be happy with a compromise. For example, if we'd been effectively celibate for 5 years, and then someone made a pass at one of us - could we honestly say we wouldn't be interested? We both had fully functioning sexual urges, but hers was not aimed at my sex. To deny that would be to deny a critical part of the human experience, and that was the straw which ended the relationship. We had many other issues, but they weren't worth addressing if we couldn't resolve the sex one. 

We did consider an open marriage, but the idea never appealed to me, as we were both too jealous with our love for it to have worked for us. 


Going back to the original question - I don't think I'll ever let go of 'everything', as it's been an experience which is now part of who I am. The years I spent with my ex are part of my history, and can't be erased, so I've worked to come to terms with the past.

In terms of the pain, in my experience it goes in peaks and troughs. At first, I was up and down like a bloody yo-yo. As time has gone on, it has mellowed, and the pain has faded to the level that I don't feel it anymore. I know it's there, as I'll have the occasional thing which will pop up and surprise me, and that can feel like a punch to the gut - last time was just last week, when a song came on we used to sing together and it surprised me how much it affected me. 

I don't look back bitterly. At times during my grieving I was angry, but now that's passed I'm not bitter as I'm happier now, and my life is my own again. I was not happy with how things were, and I couldn't see how to fix them. I hope she is also happier now than she was.

In terms of what helped me most - getting myself out there, and building my new life. In my marriage I was very stuck in the mud, didn't really go anywhere or do anything. This was largely self-inflicted. After we split up, I made sure I got myself out there and started doing the things to get the life I wanted, making and reestablishing friendships. Redecorating my house also helped a great deal. 

Think about it what really helped me was simply doing things for me! I am prone to put others before myself, and did this worse with my ex. Now I have a much better balance of doing things for others and doing them for myself. I am a little paranoid about it (which sometimes irritates my GF) but it is important for me to maintain that balance to stop myself making the same mistakes. There is nothing wrong with saying or doing what you want to do, and you don't need to feel guilty if you do so. 

I'll pick the 2 most complex ones for me ;

""when I will be able to forget this happened?"
   Never,  it will always be with me the rest of my life now.   I gave true fierce love to someone, had kids with them and they turned around and basically said it/I was not good enough, that I am a horrible person.   Not true but it doesn't change what happened...wounds/doubt/fear/hurt will always be there now.

"when will I be ready to trust/meet someone new?"
 Never.  at least right now it feels that way.   I told my sister the other day the only reasons I trust her is we were raised by the same parents and she's done nothing to hurt me (yet).    How pathetic that I doubt even my own family now...that I doubt reality.    I do see  folks in the forum here to prove to me that there are trustworthy people out there. Still, if marrying and having kids with someone doesn't prove they are straight what does ?    If taking a vow before the person , God and family not to cheat or hurt each other doesn't count for anything what does?    If I meet someone even if they are the nicest person in the world how will I know they wont hurt me like my lezex did?    I know our spouses are not normal but they really destroyed my faith in humanity.   Live and learn sure.   I have more faith in God now for sure.   I have more faith in a lot of things now than I do in people..   I feel broken.