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- StrongerThanIKnew
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Re: Hypothetical Situations Perspective
Oh man..... don't get me started on the whole "no fault" thing. My state is a no fault state. Because we have minor children, we had to take the parenting class, and the first thing the instructor talks about is how whenever we start to cast blame or fault for the break-up of the marriage, we need to remember to look in the mirror and think about the role we played as well. Then she asks, "What else could you have done to make your marriage work?" I was hoping she would call on people to answer out loud because I swear I would have said, "Well, I guess I could have changed my sexual orientation. Oh wait. That isn't something you can just change because you feel like it. Maybe I could have grown a dick. Wait.... no. Can't do that either. I guess that just leaves engaging in sexual acts that I am uncomfortable with and living the rest of my life in misery. Wait. That really isn't an option." Because while it does take 2 people to make a marriage work, sometimes it really does take just 1 person to break it up.
Seriously, the whole premise of the class was messed up. In fact, I would go so far as to say it could be damaging to people leaving abusive marriages. I mean imagine a woman who finally, after years of abuse (physical, emotional, verbal, etc) and the damage we know it does to her sense of self-worth, gets up the courage to leave her marriage and her abuser (who probably begged her to stay and promised that this time he really will change) and the instructor is asking if she could have done anything else to make her marriage work. The whole "no fault" thing is seriously messed up.
- walkbymyself
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Re: Hypothetical Situations Perspective
ThisSeason wrote:
It sucks that so many states now have "no-fault" divorce laws. I'm sure sometimes trying to prove fault would be messy, but in some cases it's very cut and dry. When someone violated their marriage vows and broke the covenant, they should not get the same rights as the other spouse during a divorce. And they definitely shouldn't be able to make a divorce drag on for months and years, contesting everything and continually negotiating for more.
I am SO in agreement with you. I understand the policy behind "no fault" divorce -- but for some of us, it would be so meaningful to have some kind of closure, even just a symbolic vindication. Right now, my husband is taking every possible opportunity to remind me of how devastating this divorce will be on me, in terms of finances (I'm 62, and yes, I'm going to spend my senior years eating catfood and living under a freeway overpass while he lives the high life). He wants to stay married, because he claims he loves me. But how can he love me and not care about my long term happiness? If he loves me, why would he want me to continue in a loveless marriage? Wouldn't he want me to find happiness, even if it's not with him?
When the divorce process focuses solely on who came into the marriage with more money and resources (he did) and who has a bigger social security payout (he does), and systematically stiffs me and punishes me, at every step of the way, for having sacrificed my own earning abilities in order to promote his career ... it would be nice to have a little more cash in my old age, in recognition of what a complete selfish monster my husband was to me.
Edited to add: StrongerThanIKnew, I think I would have lost my control if I'd had to endure the humiliation of a "class" like that.
Last edited by walkbymyself (December 28, 2018 12:24 pm)
Relinquere fraudator, vitam lucrari.
- Rob
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Re: Hypothetical Situations Perspective
"...we need to remember to look in the mirror and think about the role we played as well. Then she asks, "What else could you have done to make your marriage work?"
LOL.. I ceased my therapy when my last therapist blurted out something like that ; "you played a role in the divorce also".
These are naive, uninformed statements from people who have not gone through this. I'm no saint or perfect husband but it makes so much sense now....me turning my wheels and trying so hard to make her happy ...and she was never really happy... always needed more, more money, nothing I did was ever right.. I would have done anything for my GX... but there was nothing more I could do (short of grow different body parts). TGT explains so much and it really cuts to the core of the matter.. this is not us being bad spouses and hurting them.
NO... there is nothing we did that was so horrible... this is all them.
Do not get me started on the no-fault place where I live. It essentially means your spouse regardless of who is really at fault or earns more money can simply look at you and say "I hate you and want a divorce" and per the law they are entitled.. I think even if they are an axe-murderer and you divorce them, where I live , they are entitled by law to so much. We existed and participated in the marriage in good faith.. they did not not but the law says they did. In this life and the next I truly believe God is looking down and sees the difference between wrong and right.
Last edited by Rob (December 28, 2018 1:41 pm)
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- ThisSeason
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Re: Hypothetical Situations Perspective
Walkbymyself, I'm not sure what state you live in or what the laws are there, or other extenuating circumstances like how much actual money, home equity, retirement account balance, etc, but I don't think this should end up in a situation of you eating cat-food under a freeway overpass. He should have to give you half of everything (retirement accounts, home equity, savings) and also pay you alimony, I would hope. If you haven't consulted with an attorney, I hope and pray you get some more optimistic news when you do.
Rob, I've heard a lot of therapist, mediators, and just random advice-givers throwing out that "both of you share blame in why this marriage didn't work" and I think they're just going to the most generic advice they can give. Yes, in many circumstances, it may have been things that both people did to contribute to the fact their marriage isn't working and can't continue. But in regards to many other situations, including TGT and affairs, it is completely one person's fault. You would think professionals would know better than to throw out that sh*tty advice if they know more of the backstory. Even comedians are supposed to read the room.
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Thread Starter- HeyJupiter
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Re: Hypothetical Situations Perspective
Agree, it’s making it much more difficult at times since my husband is so nice, supportive, affectionate, etc. He is willing to talk, answer questions and give me space. He isn’t leaving me until I am ready, it’s what he says. We still go to couples counseling.
Rob,
I am glad you got away from your ex, from the sounds of it you are much better off alone than with someone would could be that horrible to you.
It seems that there are a lot of similarities and commonalities in our situations, however one major variable seems to be the individual gay spouses behavior. Some are relativity kind and compassionate and remain faithful until after a divorce/separation (or at least the claim to), some are cold and distant, and some are mean, angry, nasty, and vengeful.
I think the behavior and temperament of the gay spouse does a lot to shape the experience that we go through. Although my spouse is being mostly nice and affectionate, that almost makes it harder to want to decouple and begin the healing process and start the next chapter of my life.
At least mean and horrible would make it more clear that everything is over and help push me to the point of divorce.