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1 - JT
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Decreasing False Hope.
The posts and information on this forum are very helpful at decreasing false hope.
I feel like the passage of time helps to gain clarity, but reading the advice and stories of others here on SSN seems to exponentially accelerate reaching a point acceptance.
Sometimes the advice shared sounds harsh, and it might not be what a betrayed spouse clinging to hope wants to hear. But it seems the truth for the vast majority is that if your spouse comes out as gay the best thing to do is to move on. This is especially true if there was infidelity.
I wish that none of us had to go through this, but here we are. Advice from people like OutOfHisCloset (thanks for the Chump Lady recommendation), along with self-reflection, talking things over with my IRL friends, and some conversations with my spouse have definitely helped move me closer to acceptance about what this situation is and what the ultimate outcome will be.
- walkbymyself
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Re: Decreasing False Hope.
JT, I have times when I post here a lot, and other times when I need time away, and sometimes it's hard for us to come back and see people in so much pain -- it brings it all back. I know this happens to me, maybe others. When i first came here, I thought I was going to stay in my marriage, but I came to a slow and painful realization that it wasn't going to happen. It's hard to stay silent while other people talk about staying together ... but I also remind myself that people tried to tell me to divorce before I was ready to hear it, and it only turned me away.
Relinquere fraudator, vitam lucrari.
- butterfly
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Re: Decreasing False Hope.
This is a site and place that I believe none of us wanted and wish to be in. We find ourselves in this situation ususally blindsighted and it takes a while to wrap our heads around it. We take 1 step forward and 2 steps back for a while. I know I'm still in that state. It's hard to let go of something that for the most part we thought was good and going well. It's hard for us to accept our reality when we had been living in someones else lies for so long and that seemed real. I think we all have to be patient with oursleves and allow ourselves to grief the losses in our lives and it will become clear what direction we need to take and how we should best handle things. I think the fact that we are here and seeking input and advise and trying to deal with all that has happened says a lot and shows that we are making progress. Some may move faster than others, it's not a race it's trying to regain who we are and trying to create a new life and navagate new territory that we are so unfamiliar with and didn't want to be in. Go slow, listen to your gut, keep talking, eventually we will all begin to see our way out.
- JT
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Re: Decreasing False Hope.
I agree that everyone has to move at their own pace I do think it helps us the more support and information we can consume from counselors, friends, online groups like SSN. Arming ourselves with this support and the perspectives it provides, the quicker it will help us see the situation from a less.... clouded viewpoint.
Speaking for myself, getting lost in my own thoughts and emotions can be less than helpful sometimes.
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Thread Starter- Zoso
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Re: Decreasing False Hope.
Getting lost in your thoughts is the difficult part to overcome. The “whit if”, “ if I just”, “maybe we can”, “one day we”. These are that thoughts I am sure many of us have. I still have thoughts of reconnecting, although they are diminishing a little each day. I am not saying “I love you” as often. This is difficult and I have to force my self to try to begin to let go.
Sometimes I wish I had a choice to take the “blue pill”
- JT
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Re: Decreasing False Hope.
Zoso, this process is unreal. Just when you think you have clarity, you take certain words and actions as cause to rethink things. Perhaps in hindsight the best choices will be obvious and simple, but while you are going through the process it feels very complicated and messy.
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Thread Starter- Mimi
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Re: Decreasing False Hope.
JT,
It is truly unreal. One minute I wish that I can erase my memory and we go back to “normal” lives, then a minute after I’m grieving my loss, the life I thought I had planned for the rest of my life. Getting lost in my thoughts is what’s making me exhausted all the time. The “what if’s” and “why didn’t I see it”.
I try to keep myself busy by meditating, yoga, holiday parties. When I get false hopes, I remind myself that yes I still love him and I loved the life we had, but I need to start detaching with love. That’s the only way to be able to heal and move forward.
- ThisSeason
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Re: Decreasing False Hope.
I don't think instant, or quick, forgiveness should be expected when someone commits such a deep betrayal such as infidelity on a spouse of many years. Especially when it comes to TGT many spouses do not seem to be that remorseful.
- Estella Oculus
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Re: Decreasing False Hope.
Lanky, I'm in complete agreement, and function much as you describe. I think Chump Lady is wise on forgiveness--it may look quite different from what you might have otherwise expected. Perhaps it only looks like forgetting, acceptance, and peace.
- ThisSeason
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Re: Decreasing False Hope.
Many of the people pushing for forgiveness have not been on the receiving end of something like this. I think even for the most well-adjusted and mentally strong people, the trauma from a spouse coming out and being unfaithful will take many months for them to be able to handle it .