Honey, KitKat, do not give this a go.  
The only way you're going to get off the "awful roller coaster of emotions" is to stop engaging with him. He is playing the guilt card and manipulating you with his "I'm going to kill myself" drama.  But if things shift, and he either agrees, and you ask, that he NOT act the woman (I know, I know, he's not and never has or ever will be a woman), then he is going to guilt you with the threat of suicide because he can't be "himself" and be trans.  
   There is no therapist who can simultaneously affirm his feeling he is a woman and affirm the reality--the reality based world that you live in--that he is not one.  
   When my ex first declared to me that he believed he was a woman in a man's body (a logical impossibility) I told him I didn't want to be the wife of a transwoman, because I was not willing for my entire life to be dominated by trans-ness.  If you have made this determination for yourself, that you are unwilling to be the wife of a transwoman--a perfectly reasonable decision--then PLEASE spare yourself the additional agony and confusion of continuing to indulge him by going to counseling, where you may be guilted or gaslighted into re-engaging with him.  I say this as a person who in a weak moment agree to comfort my ex, which led to three more years of agony and torture and pain and emotional and psychological damage.  
   He is never going to go back to what you believed he was before; even if he ceases to talk about it he will continue to believe and think it, and little hints he will drop will confirm to you that indeed nothing has changed.  My ex, although in the closet and to all appearances is a normal male, is as disordered as he always has been, and continues to want to be a woman and to believe that if things had just been different--if society had been different, if he'd had a more androgynous body--he would now be living happily as a woman.  He may be living as the man he is, and to which to most people he appears, but inside he has not changed ONE WHIT from what he revealed to me he thinks.  He's just closeted. 
    TRUST YOUR INSTINCT that every time you talk to him you are entering the psych ward.  He is disordered.  And every minute you spend engaging with him is a minute in the disordered reality he inhabits. He may be playing the Christian card in order to guilt you into this, but you are not required as a Christian to give this a go! 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (December 21, 2018 9:21 pm)

KitKat wrote:

I would like off this awful roller coaster of emotions. I was doing fairly well until I spoke to my trans STBX a week ago. He cried talking about how lonely he is and he spends his days just trying not to off himself. He doesn’t want a divorce (who does?) but is unsure he can put the trans thing back in the box. He referred to himself as a “trans woman” which pisses me off as HE will NEVER be a woman in any shape or form! It’s just gross! It’s all about HIM!

He also stated after I agreed to see a therapist with him that it has to be someone who “affirms” his identity but also my stance. Does anyone like that really exist? I feel like it’s just going to be more emotional hell and spinning of wheels. I refuse to be the wife of a “trans woman” so I’m not sure we’ll go anywhere. He said he wants to see what we can work through and maybe one of us will get our “miracle”. Me getting my husband back or him getting me to stay married while he openly identifies as a woman! I feel like I’m running the head of the psych ward every time I talk to him.

Anyone else deal with the trans thing in such a way? I worry that if he goes back to being the man I knew and loved that 10 years from now he’ll say f$&@ it and I’ll be starting over at 50 instead of 40. As a Christian I feel compelled to give it a go but also feel like someone saying he’s Christian but twisting the Bible to fit himself isn’t worth my energy! Any advice appreciated as my anxiety has returned with all this crap!

If you want off the roller coaster, you absolutely need to disengage. 

I know that dealing with my STBX is definitely a trigger for me, and depending on the conversation, it can send me into a depressed state for days, weeks, or even months. It is a terrible thing. The best thing for me to do is to have as little contact as possible and then only about the kids.

I also think that claiming suicidal tendencies is just one more way for them to control and manipulate us. I know my spouse told me something similar, and I have heard of others saying the same. 

And why would he want to divorce? He's got it made. He gets everything he wants. It is his transition, but you are the one who really needs to transition to make the marriage work. He gets to be his "girly" self and doesn't need to deny himself anything. You, however, have to deny your "authentic" self and become one half of a same sex partnership. Not a big deal unless, of course, one of you isn't attracted to women (or men dressed as women). So, yeah, of course he wants to stay married.

And I felt the same way about getting my husband back. There came a point where I didn't want him back. Truth is I loved my husband but he was lying to me for the entirety of our marriage, and why would I want to go back to that. My husband also said he would stop if I wanted him to, but I knew he wouldn't be able to long term. And if by some miracle he could, I would always wonder when the other shoe would drop.

Finally, about the Christian thing.... fairly early on, I started praying for God to release me from my marriage, and eventually, He did. It was almost a year before I felt peace about ending things, but eventually I did. Don't let your spouse, or even your church leaders, talk you into staying in a marriage that is slowly destroying you. Twisting the Bible to suit one's own personal agenda is spiritual abuse, and not part of God's plan for marriage or His children.

I wish you peace.

Thank you to all of you.  I agree that it’s not right the decision and will let my STBX after the holidays.  The fact that he identifies himself as a “trans woman” tells me that he’s going to push his agenda harder than ever if I go to therapy.  My only identities lie in being a Christian and a mother, shows where his priorities lie and where mine are.

Merry Christmas to you all.  Hopefully we will all have peace this season!